The New LifeWreck Blog

Exploring Southern CA - In My Own Little Way

2011-10-02T10:43:00.000-07:00

Greetings All

Been here in Arcadia/Pasadena (Live/Work) for just over a month, so high time it was last weekend that I did a little exploring with a camera (as I'd promised you die-hard readers I would). What I decided would be an easy and photogenic trip by bus/foot turned out to be not so much the former, but very much the latter - The Huntington Library, Art Collection, and Botanical Gardens in San Marino (just South of Pasadena). Herewith is the photographic evidence that "I've been there and done that!"

Being ever too trustful of Google Maps, I set out on the Metro 79, which actually starts a couple blocks from my Extended Stay abode, and runs all the way (through several communities) to downtown L.A. (that's a future adventure). Hopping off at Huntington Blvd. (an inter-city route I take all the time from Arcadia) and San Marino Ave, I was presented with what has to be the most "ghetto fabulous" bus stop I've ever seen (and I've seen a lot of 'em!):

Yes, Virginia, that's really the bus stop - it has cozy benches inside, and there's positively no other excuse for it to be where it is.

This should be a clue (if I hadn't already suspected), that I was NOT entering a "low rent" (or even middle-class) district. In recent times I've learned that I can fit in anywhere - from a homeless shelter to the Ritz (whether or not anybody else - say, a security guard - agrees) so long as I behave appropriately to the venue. So no silly posh bus stop is going to daunt this explorer!

What follows is a photo-montage of my expedition up (and I do mean UP - all the way - though only at a mild grade) San Marino Ave, where Google Maps promised me (heh) I'd find the entrance to The Huntington about 1 mile North. I include a few look-backs at the major intersections (including Huntington & San Marino). The picture names are actually short captions (you can see them by hovering the mouse on most browsers), though I'll comment where appropriate. About half of my photos are from the walk BEFORE I got to The Huntington - you'll likely understand why when you see them - I need some friends in THIS neighborhood, oh yes, I do.

Above is actually somebody's house (like many near it) whom I'd forgive of many a sin were they to befriend me for a weekend. :)

Corner lots are always so under-rated. :)

Gosh I just can't decide - could you show me something in a ranch style?

Ok, I see the sign! But Google Maps said a different street! Adventure-bound, I continued on up San Marino...

Wow, this looks adventurous - I wonder where it ends up?

Oh, I see. :)

Right about here, I saw California Street (Pasadena!) was ahead of me - I'd I'm already well-enough versed in the area to know I'm way too far North! Ok, ladies, you win. :)

My camera battery was starting to spook me, so I laid off the photos while I was headed back down to the sign...

And followed it here.

One thing noteworthy about this adventure is that in the 3-4 hours I spent at this place, I barely scratched the surface - it's HUGE! I managed to see maybe 1/10 of it, if that, and the only building I went into for about 1/2 hour was the Huntington Art Gallery (one of several). This is definitely one of those "must go back" venues, and I plan to!

This is the Huntington Art Gallery, full of large paintings and sculptures from the periods the Huntingtons collected. This building was actually their residence, and many rooms include furniture/settings from the Huntingtons' lifestyle. I didn't get pictures inside, as a flash isn't allowed (they have pretty high security, and a black-tie "host" in every room), and I didn't feel like fiddling with the low-light settings on my camera with the spooky battery.

This is the entrance to the Children’s Garden, a very serene place I think I'll eat my lunch at next time. :)

Perfect spot for a bag lunch - I saw one of the staff doing that (elsewhere).

One of many signs directing visitors around the multi-acre site. They also give you a pretty good 3d style map in their visitor handout.

The North Vista Lawn - I wonder what these guys do at night; maybe I don't want to know. :)

This is the greenhouse and botanical display that I didn't have time to go in. Betting it's incredible, so it'll be on my list when I go back.

This is (I believe) looking toward the Chinese Tea Garden, where I took most of my pics to follow.

This is one entrance to another garden (can't remember which), very well guarded. :)

This is the Zen (Japanese) garden, which is under expansion/renovation at picture time (couldn't enter). I'm looking through a chain-link fence at the construction site, which to me is pretty anyway, but will no doubt get prettier. Blast those dad-gum aliens who landed their star-cruiser right next to me as I was taking the photo (that's their landing strut you see in the foreground). :)

I also blame the aliens for my camera battery wimping out on me right about then - so I knew it was time to bug out (anyway) and plan my future return. Here are a few previously taken "parting shots"...

Latest from Arcadia!

2011-09-10T18:40:00.000-07:00

Saturday, 9/10/2011 - Arcadia, CA

Time I updated all those interested. It's been quite the couple weeks since I landed (well, rolled, really) down here in the Pasadena area. Sorry no photo updates as I write this - I still plan to get myself out as a tourist, and will bring the trusty digital when I do.

For those who read my last post, I'm still at an extended stay hotel in Arcadia (a few miles East of Pasadena, where I'm working). I've spent a lot of my free time in the last couple weeks exploring the local shopping geography while picking up (with a space-and-weight-critical eye) a lot of little things that make this a pretty functional home base. Much of it has to do with kitchen operations, so I don't have to eat out. In fact, I've made myself quite comfortable here. What with the good location (easy transit connections) and my own light living style (I occupied a bedroom at my sister's home for over a year - so I'm good at living small), I like this place so much I'm actually somewhat put off from leaving in any hurry - still want more permanent digs, but I can definitely take my time about it with no stress. The price per month is the same as I'd be paying for any reasonable apartment that met my transit access requirements.

The job is also most excellent (so far, anyway) - even though at this writing, after two weeks on, I have none of: cubicle, computer, phone of my own. I'm sharing a cube (a large one, fortunately) with the guy I'm essentially replacing while automating much of his current workload - he's a former contract worker like me who got hired permanent so he's ready for bigger things, but has a HUGE workload to get off his plate - and that's where I come in, to both assist directly and streamline that work. Challenging, but fun, and I'm happy (aside from being temporarily "homeless" at my job) with the environment and the people.

They are starting up a new program where they intend to have about half their workforce (in this office) telecommute 2 or 3 days a week and switch off office days to share cubes - space is that tight. I'll almost certainly be one of those after a 60 day "get acquainted with the office" wait. If I'm still in the extended stay place when that happens, that's a bit of a wrinkle, as the Internet here (unsurprisingly) isn't likely fast enough to fill that bill - if I stayed here I'd have to con the hotel into letting me get a faster setup in my room - not sure that would fly, but hopefully I can get a better arrangement before then.

Most of my social life so far is through my recovery (and other) connections both up there (aka some of you readers) and those I'm quite purposely making down here. That's going very well also, so I usually have pretty full days, even on weekends, between that and running the business of living in general. It's actually rare that I have the time I'm using now to write, and that, for me, is a good thing. :)

So keep reading, and by all means comment with your thoughts & questions!

Pasadena/Arcadia - The First 24

2011-08-27T16:41:00.000-07:00

Greetings Folks,

So many of you to update, much easier for me to write once here and post the link.

As some of you know, after a long employment hiatus (since 3/31/2011), I've secured a new contract job in Pasadena - I start this Monday, 8/29/11.

Quite the relocation from Richmond to Pasadena, and one fraught with difficulties due to financial status/background - so while I'm working through it, in order to work, so I can work through working it out :), I've taken up temporary residence at an extended stay hotel in Arcadia (a few miles East of Pasadena - easy bus ride). I landed here late yesterday afternoon, so this post marks about 24 hours.

As part of my own initiation (complete neophyte) to the L.A. area, I've promised myself to go scouting and take lots of pictures, and in that spirit, I'm starting close to "home" - here are some pics of the actual hotel and room I'm calling my "residence" for at least a few weeks while I look for more permanent digs.

This is a view of the hotel from its own parking lot - early morning (about 7:00) - note the sun is up on the mountains to the North (I believe the "San Gabriel" range) in the background. It's also about 75 degrees F, by the way - predicted high today 98:

Here's a pic of the same hotel right just before dawn (too lazy right now to crop or balance these, BTW):

Here we are walking into my room's front (only) door:

Here's a view of the kitchenette from the middle of the room - full size fridge! Yay! Mini-microwave and 2 burner stove, sink, and counter space not bad for a tiny studio. The toaster & coffee maker are both provided, as are enough plates, bowls, cups and flatware for exactly 2 people:

This is looking from the middle of the room toward the bath (kitchen out of view to the left). Nice little desk but no drawers (fortunately there's an ample chest of drawers you'll see further on):

Mid-room again looking toward the corner opposite the kitchenette - the curtained window provides a stunning view of the parking lot (meh). Note the armchair and divan (or whatever Martha Stuart calls those) - quite comfy, and for someone who is capable of sleeping on trains, and even buses, a probable occasional alternative to the bed:

Here's a shot of the clothing rack area opposite corner from the bath - looking along the wall (left) that has the window. One item worth noting is the air conditioner in the foreground - a truly essential piece of equipment here. Also notice the chest with the TV (sadly) BOLTED to it - I'd remove it and stick it in a corner out of the way otherwise. They do have "Showtime", so maybe I'll watch a movie sometime (or maybe not). They do allow pets here, but you have to register them and they can't be too big - I don't think my fuzzy snake (I could never think of a good name for him - want to help?), Sparkle, my pony on the TV, or Blue (the little eh "pink" dog on the right below Sparkle - nobody believes me - he got washed!) count. I'll be getting more clothes (and hangers!!!) in a UPS box promised Monday:

Here's a better shot of the chest, with Sparkle and Blue - also a small table & chair (kitchenette on the right) where I put my laptop and - oh look - it's my fuzzy snake coiled up there! Well, what can we expect from a snake?:

Here's my actual view (see my stylish slippers?) of the whole arrangement from the cushy chair by the window. I didn't take any pics in the bath, as it's not very exciting - it does does have all the essentials, including a tub/shower combo, and pretty roomy full-wall vanity.

That's it - those are my digs for now, anyway. I did check the most important feature the moment I arrived here - the WiFi (which is free) - not super fast, but faster than some, and seems reliable so far. Biggest deal is Skype likes it so I can make phone calls with my Bluetooth and be dirt cheap. :)

The most major event today (Saturday) was tackling my first grocery shopping expedition (remember, I don't drive). I asked the front desk where the nearest big grocery chain store was, and they gave me some Google map directions (driving, of course) - I got the address off that and Googled it myself for BUS directions, and found the already familiar 187 goes straight there (well, as straight as buses go) - so I grabbed my traveling satchel (you can see it on the floor in the clothing area above) and my rather lengthy list of bare bones essentials for a week of living in and packing a lunch to work, and headed for the bus stop. It was already quite warm at about 9:00, and quite the task to keep my weight and space count down so I could carry that thing back! I managed it though, and just managed to miss the first bus back, so had to wait 1/2 hour in the (ahem) nice warm sunshine (I'd say it was 90F or better), for the very happily air-conditioned bus. After a very warm walk home from the bus I began my recuperation. :)

I'll try to post more pics of the area as I get them. I'm told these high temps are "rare" for this (Pasadena) area, so if it cools off, I'll definitely be out more.

Oakland...

2011-05-08T16:24:00.000-07:00

Just the other day

I noticed,

Was a tiny bit dimmer

Since a certain light

Shifted Southeast.

Happily though

The larger scene

Has an aire of lightness

And serene balance -

The master has painted

On the canvas of Love.

Life in the Recovery Lane

2011-01-17T18:58:00.000-08:00

Here it is, MLK Day, 2011 (U.S.: Martin Luther King Jr. Day - a national holiday). Not that I have any profundities to pontificate on this day more than any other - I just haven't posted here in a very long while, and being a holiday, here I am with time and some inclination. With a nod to Dr. King, a hero to many including me, I accept this opportunity to update the readers who haven't wandered off to more interesting venues like watching paint dry. :)

Recently (specifically, 12/12/2010), I hit 2 years of sobriety, and celebrated it (I'm pleased to report) by *not* having a drink. I also celebrated Christmas and New Years that way, and will celebrate this holiday likewise. Recovery has been *very* good to me, and continues, to my amazement, to be better to me every day. Hence my distinct and ever more present aversion to the very idea of trashing the peace and serenity I've found by drinking. As the book that is the heart of my spiritual program says, I haven't even sworn off - the problem has been removed (actually, a whole lot of them have).

Today I can honestly say that the most serious problem I have is balancing my time among all the joys (aka: people) I have the opportunity to experience in my life. If you're reading this, you're probably one of them. That this may be the first you've heard from me in many weeks (even months) is *not* a joy to me, but at least I have this chance to tell you that I love you and would fold you into my crazy life if I knew how; I'd be writing more, and all I can do today is pray that balance will come.

Today I'm still very happily and productively employed as a contractor for a major bank, doing security data analysis for their fraud prevention organization; helping them figure out the best ways to intercept and prevent fraudsters from attacking their commercial clients through their web portal. It's challenging, exciting, very fast-paced, and in some ways, utterly insane - if you knew the kind of political nonsense that goes on behind the scenes at a bank - I didn't - you'd more easily understand the overall character of such organizations. Case in point is early December, when the VP who hired me in the first place pulls me and my team leader aside and informs us that though he'd love to keep us (contract), the budgets for us don't seem to be funded, so "If I were you, I'd go ahead and start looking." Naturally, we both did. It *might* have been a whole week later when he came around and told us that not only had the budgets been funded, but our contract had been extended through the end of 2012 - unheard of contract length at this bank - 24 months extension of a 6 month contract (30 total). Merry Christmas indeed! :) Will I be working there a month from now? Who knows? I'm really grateful to be doing a job I love today, and that's the beginning and end of my business. Huge difference in my ability to deal with uncertainty, brought about by none other than my spiritual program of living.

Good segway: Every morning, I'm up at 4:00 a.m. (that includes weekends and holidays like today). The very first thing I do is make my bed. This is the first step in my spiritual program of action. It's actually a vital piece of my life structure, and a gratitude prayer; I have a bed to sleep in. Then I quietly wander into the kitchen to make my coffee, and if it's a (working) weekday, a sandwich for my lunch. Back to my bedroom I go, to sit down and do the more customary reading, prayer, and meditation that starts my day off on the right track for someone who has learned that their day goes so much better with a solid, structured foundation at its start. On certain days (3 of them: two weekend days, and one variable weekday), I'm out the door at 5 (after performing quick ablutions), to catch a bus to a 6:30 a.m. meeting, another key part of my structure on those days. On the weekday in question, I'll hop a BART train near the meeting (our local commuter rapid transit system) to my job in the financial district of San Francisco - same place I go all the other weekdays from home, only actually slightly later due to the meeting.

What's the point of the "segway" above? Again, we're talking about a person who, for reasons that remain a complete mystery to science, is incapable of directing his own life to any good end. The structure described above (and yes, I'm a "morning person" - so it's relatively easy for me to do the 4:00 a.m. thing), is grounded in the principle of the small things that make a huge difference. By giving myself this structured approach to my mornings (my evenings are rather similar, though somewhat more flexible), I find I can actually do this thing called life effectively, and be of service to others, including (certainly) my employer. The gifts that have come to me from this approach (and are still coming), are simply amazing. I spend very little time or energy these days worrying about anything - in fact, I've found to my surprise that when others around me are in turmoil, I'm able (more and more) to supply the calming voice of reason and serenity. Not that I'm by nature reasonable and serene - I'm not - I have the gift of a connection to a power greater than me (GOMU - God Of My Understanding), who is bigger than any of the problems I or those others in turmoil could have. Does life hit me with problems and issues and catastrophes? You bet! Do I get bent and/or emotional sometimes? Of course! It's just that today, when I'm feeling that crazy stuff, I have a better thing to do (than, for instance, drink); I let go - of control, outcomes, future anxiety - and let that GOMU have the whole thing. If I have it in my wits to know the difference between right and wrong, then my action is simple; lean right. Everything else is out of my hands.

And that approach is bringing some pretty profound benefits in another area of my life - one I've just recently decided I'm ready to step into again. Shortly after I "turned 2", I made the decision to jump on to an online dating site (Chemistry.com). So far (a few weeks at this writing) I've been "presented" with about 75 people (their "formula" typically hits on 5 or 6 "matches" a day), interacted (lightly) with about 5 or 6, dated (coffee) one, and am currently in pretty regular email/IM conversation with one (other). All of that mystery, uncertainty, risk of rejection (used to be *huge* anxiety for me), and some emotional turmoil that even the opening volleys of relating can trigger (from my past) - and though I've had my moments, they've been just that: moments. I've been able to approach this new growth phase with a serenity, honesty, sense of humor, humility, and patience that are quite foreign to my past experiences in this area. In short, I'm actually having fun (at what is still a serious business - I'm seeking a long-term relationship). Some of my struggles have been finding a balance between being judgmental (I do have tastes, and essential requirements, and limits), and completely open to talking to anybody. A new astrologist friend of mine says my emotional balancing act has to do with my sun/moon positioning - I'm inclined to believe her. :) I'm also aware that I need to be careful in a very dangerous and cynical world - in the past, I've found myself very close to becoming a victim of a creative scammer on another singles network. The sea is full of fish, some of them sharks. The good news is I can pay attention better (because I'm not so anxious, not in a hurry), and hopefully spot trouble before it bites me in the butt.

Hearing/Balance: My Meniere's Syndrome (left ear, "we" think) seems to be taking the slow, endgame of the natural course that I've read and "heard" about from various sources. Crazy vertigo attacks rare (I haven't had a bad one in over a year), but positional vertigo is still ever present to remind me it's a part of my life. My hearing (left) is in slow decline (gone is the raging tinitus), my right (something else, "we" think) pretty much dead to the world, but both still benefit from the hearing aids I use sporadically (I still do pretty well unaided one on one/quiet with most folks).

All told, life in the recovery lane is great, and getting better. I'm deeply grateful for all the help I've been given - in many cases by those who may be reading this post. Please feel free to reply here, or contact me by the many methods you'll find on the left.

- Paul S
AKA: Lifewrecked

Something to Protect

2010-08-28T15:38:00.000-07:00

This morning I was offered an opportunity to become a mugging victim - an opportunity I politely declined, by running away. I'd been doing the same thing I've been doing at least once a week for many months (well over a year); power-walking in downtown Oakland at about 6:15 a.m. on a Saturday, to catch the 6:30 a.m. meeting that is, for all practical and spiritual purposes, my home group. The would-be mugger, a young black man, approached me from ahead, and at first I thought he might be one of my many recovery acquaintances, so my my guard was down when he surprised me by asking me to drop my wallet. He indicated he had a weapon in his coat pocket, but never showed it to me, and quite frankly, he didn't look like someone who could do me much harm without putting his own well-being in serious jeopardy. I mention all of this in "secondary elaboration" as none of it was going through my (conscious) mind at the time. I can only honestly say that I saw myself in an untenable situation, and responded to my first instinct - flee. He didn't follow (far, anyway - I didn't look back, and didn't run more than 50 yards or so). I actually gave him some parting words: "Nope." and "See ya later!"

I made my 6:30 meeting and felt (as I always do, maybe a little deeper today) warm, loved, and protected. I realize quite profoundly that I was being watched over by a loving higher power from the moment I got off the bus (OK, really, non-stop, and still). I realize that a lot of people might consider what I did "stupid" (I do - had he a gun, I could have a bullet in my back now). A million times before this occurred (my first ever "mugging") I would have predicted (and still, even now, fantasize) radically different behavior on my part. Letting him have my wallet would have been a statistically safer behavior. I'm unsure why I didn't. I like to believe I don't care much about money these days (and those who are closest to me know I'm not very much deluded on that one). I didn't have enough money on me to cry over ever, and I don't carry credit or ATM cards in my paper wallet (yes, you read that right - paper wallet - worthless!) He'd have gotten my transit pass (about $50) and my Starbucks card (about $30) - so he could have had a ride and a cup of coffee before I eventually got home (plenty enough people love me) and canceled them.

But - and it's the reason I'm writing this - I clearly had (have?) Something to Protect.

Since it's not about money, and it certainly isn't about my silly paper wallet (I get about a month out of them when I use the good 100% cotton paper - I love them because I can write on my wallet, see?), it's tricky for me to ferret out (with my broken alcoholic brain, anyway) what drove my choice. Things like ego, pride, self-centeredness, shame (avoidance?) - all of these and more of my known character defects are strong candidates. I'm already beginning to come around to forgiving the poor (probably) tweaker "left over" (as a friend put it) from Friday night's usual downtown Oakland "party". And yes, Virginia, though unharmed, I can have the loveliest vengeful fantasies (aka resentment) - for the mere act of attempting to get my stuff. What the hell is so important about my stuff???

I'm reminded of the first significant earthquake I experienced. I was about 22ish, in a college class, when the whole place started rocking & rolling (pretty gently, really - not much damage anywhere). Different people are affected by these things differently, I'm sure. How I was affected was by a sudden and profoundly unpleasant realization that something I had utterly taken for granted as being stable and reliable all my life (aka the ground under my feet) was actually a fluid which could mindlessly and without malice destroy everything that mattered to me - including my life, and the lives of others. That same realization is buried somewhere in my fascination with tornadoes and other wild weather and geological events. And no, this (failed mugging) isn't precisely the same (no harm, no foul), but the feeling (though not as profound) is the same one. Dare I say it? It's the feeling of profound powerlessness.

You see, though if I had a picture of my would-be mugger, I'd get myself a stamp with the words "EPIC FAIL" and publish it here (and maybe on DIGG), I know that's just false bravado in the face of my helplessness to control what other people will do to me, themselves, or each other. I put myself at risk every day, wherever I go, to a million ways of getting clobbered. Back when I was actively being a gutter drunk (still - just not active today), I really would never have asked myself these questions. I didn't care. I didn't care about myself at all. How could I? How could I care about you? Between then and now, something very strange has happened. I have to check this for ego at every turn, but I think the God Of My Understanding actually doesn't want me to surrender to fear, nor to abide fools, no matter how risky that may seem (note that "not abiding fools" doesn't mean harming them - avoiding them (e.g. running away) can be effective.

And I still don't know why I ran. I still don't know if I'd do the same again. I do know I'm going to my meeting tomorrow (Sunday) like I always do. REAL: I'll be paying more attention to how/where I walk and who I allow to approach unchallenged (or avoided). That sucks. Life on life's terms - life on the street. I'm blessed coming and going (no matter what transpires) IF I follow the lead of my Higher Power and make it about him (her, it, them, whatever) and YOU - but not ME. My deal with my HP (I made it in Step 3) - I do your will, you take care of me and all outcomes - it's still working; best deal I ever made.

Service, Serenity, and Purpose

2010-07-04T13:58:00.000-07:00

Again and again I find the ever deepening lesson of serenity in service. When my sober feet do their thing (e.g. get me to that meeting), and my increasingly sane voice issues the word "yes" in response to a service request (regardless of the service requested, my own will to do it, etc.), I get the unfathomable (because I can't fully understand it) gift of serenity, and additional gifts in terms of the people I get to share the former with.

I've just about given up the urge to figure out the how and why of it - I only know the more I apply the principle of rigorous honesty in my dealings with others, the more my reality (e.g., their actions and reactions to me) improves beyond anything I could imagine with my broken alcoholic brain (and boy can it imagine some crazy stuff).

To any regular readers I (might) have, I apologize for the hiatus in my blog posting (and elsewhere) while I've been adjusting my lifestyle from "unemployed" to "crazy busy". Today, the 4th of July, I actually have a coincidence of time and energy (a few hours and motivation) to write about what's been going on since April 24, the last time I posted. Reality check: I'm finished promising when my next post will be, regardless of when I'd like it to be - life just doesn't run that way for me lately. If you're reading this (at my prodding anyway, and probably even if not; what the hell, even if not) I love you, and thank you, and thank the God of my understanding (GOMU) for you.

Work: I've said it here and elswhere before, but it just becomes more apparent all the time - I'm blessed to be in a working position/environment/team/activity stream that I am utterly undeserving of by any rational analysis of my past; so the "irrational" analysis that the reason I'm there is entirely at the will and direction of said GOMU is the only appropriate one. I'm a fully functional (while incomprehensibly dysfunctional) member of a crack, real-time (post-hoc, ad-hoc, crazy-hoc) fraud analysis/intervention/prevention team at a major banking institution. I love my job (the one I'm clueless at), I love my team-mates, I love the fact that this past week we've literally been under siege by fraudsters who've been plying a chink in the corporate anti-fraud armor - one we're (the team) tasked to close - and the organization I'm contracted to work with is "nuts in transition to more nuts". So I'm a nut in a bag of mixed nuts, the nuts are attacking the nuts, and I love the whole nutty affair! Nuts!!!

As it turns out, the centerpiece of both the serenity and love (hmmm - synonyms?) I'm experiencing with work and other areas of my life as well, is that principle of service. In literal terms, the priciple is to be "of maximum service to others" - regardless of circumstance. So it doesn't matter what I know/don't know, skills or experience I do/don't possess, station I occupy or anything else. If I can recognize an opportunity to help someone (noting that not everything that looks like help is), and step outside of myself to act on said opportunity, I can have the gift of knowing that I'm doing the will of my GOMU - and the certainty of that knowledge is my personal definition of serenity.

As for my life in general, I'm finding a lot of joy in the everyday experience of living and moving about in my ever expanding personal world. Even the bizarre stuff that might send others reeling seems to be little more than fodder for my personal growth.

I still don't drive (probably never will), so as always, I get around by bus and train (rapid transit). Yesterday while waiting at a bus stop, I had the strange experience of encountering some folks who reminded me of just where I could be today had I not thrown myself into recovery with complete abandon. Sitting on the bench at one of the lesser desirable bus stops, I noticed a lady meandering on the median in the street, apparently looking for someone. As she approached the bus stop, I was surpised by a voice right next to me saying "Hi there!" (to me, or her, or perhaps the world in general). The voice belonged to a middle aged man who was clearly drunk, and had some association (marriage, I would later learn) with this woman. The "happy" couple parked themselves (literally) around me, and did what people (GOMU only knows why) most especially like to do in my presece (as if I don't exist, or maybe because I do) - they conducted the business of their choppy relationship right in front of me. The lady was clearly an experienced and committed "enabler" for the guy's alcoholic madness. She was "fed up" with buying him stuff he wouldn't take care of (he was missing apparently his third pair of sunglasses in two days). His response, of course, was typical of most men in his condition. This went on for about 15 minutes until the bus came. Being somewhat uncomfortable around these folks, I let them get on first and took my seat well away in the back of the bus (which ironically seemed more pleasant and safe).

The compelling question for me in that encounter was whether I was really that bad in my alcoholic nightmare. The compelling answer was that although I was different (typically non-beligerant), I was:

that bad in my own special way
on my way to becoming that bad

All that needed to happen was for me to keep spiraling (and living) long enough to slide into that same indigent lifestyle I encountered in the homeless shelter before I got into to the Salvation Army ARC. In other words, I wasn't any "better" than these folks - but today I'm blessed to be in better circumstances because I surrendered and became willing to take the suggestions of people who were clearly doing better than I was, no matter that I thought they were nuts. My version of "sanity" wasn't working, so "insanity" (by my then definition) coudln't hurt to try. Today, I'm an acknowledged "bat-shit crazy" alcoholic in recovery and so long as I stay sober, and stay connected with all my bat-shit crazy recovered friends, working my bat-shit crazy program, I can count on more serenity and a better life than I could even dream of in my previous "sanity".

Hopefully, the above gives the curious reader a snapshot of my general state today; yes, I have ongoing health issues, including hearing loss and vertigo from time to time; no, my "life" hasn't gotten magically stupdendous (or even stress-free). But I'm living my life with a new sense of purpose and direction, with my main focus still on my recovery and living one day at a time. As mentioned, I love all of you who've supported me and my recovery and I love hearing from you.

My Tornadoes

2010-04-24T14:05:00.000-07:00

My Tornado Dream - 4/24/2010 (Sat early a.m.)

I am at "home" - a composite residence of past/present - vague notion of family present at this point. I somehow become aware there's a tornado approaching - then I look out a large window toward the back of the home and see it's very close. I try to gauge its movement, toward or away from us - it seems to be passing "harmlessly" to our right. Now a sound of emergency alert sirens, and I look out the window to see another HUGE tornado - an obvious "killer", and it's headed straight for us, very near. I call out to people (my sister?) in the house and try to figure out what to do. We have no basement or other storm shelter (real life), and I feel a growing sense of dread and helplessness. I try to think of the best advice I've heard, bathroom, bathtub, next to (or under?) a large heavy desk or table. None of this seems relevant, as this tornado is so huge and powerful it will destroy all in its wake. I look out the window again at it, drawing ever closer - but with the scene jerking like a series of still-frames. I am terrified. I awake.

This dream is a member of a large set of tornado-themed dreams I've had sporadically over many decades (probably 10 or 12 total dreams recalled). In real life, I'm awed by the power and (strange) beauty of tornadoes I've seen photos and video clips of. This is a force of nature utterly uncontrollable - though neither malevolent nor benevolent (mindless, incapable of either), randomly destructive to human life and endeavors.

In recovery today, I realize quite easily that a dream like the above is "speaking to me" of the issue of powerlessness - for that is the real psychic experience; there is absolutely nothing I can do for myself in the situation. It is, of course, a central theme of Step 1, and I believe this dream has (and theme always had) the role of reminding me - particularly if I'm starting to lose focus - of my true position in terms of power. What's been going on for me in the few weeks before this dream is that I've started a new job which has taken up enormous energy (physical, spiritual, emotional) that used to be in ready supply while I was unemployed, that has now been run up against my natural limits - in other words, I could be easily headed for a "burnout" if I don't take proactive steps to manage my load and the associated stress levels.

Both the worst and best things about this process of becoming aware - I was reminded (in real life) the other day that I still have a disability that has nothing to do with alcohol or my recovery. On one of my most stressful days (crazy schedule between paid work and volunteer work), I was failing to take care of myself well by eating on time ("...my schedule won't allow it...") and my Meniere's (not surprisingly) decided to get my attention by filling both ears with a roaring tinnitus of the likes I haven't experienced for over a year. Fortunately for me, I know my own (Meniere's) pattern well, and understand that this tinnitus episode was a precursor (warning, if you will) of much more "interesting fun" to come. I'm also fortunate that I recognized immediately why this was happening - I hadn't eaten, was stressed to the max, and already exhausted. I had 3 of the 4 "HALT" factors (a popular recovery term - avoid being Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired) - I wasn't angry, but I definitely had the other 3 in spades - and my ears were roaring because of that.

Being warned is one thing, of course, heeding it quite another. I'm at a point now where I must decide - taking into full account my disability and natural limits, what I need to do with my current schedule (work, volunteer, recovery) to accomplish several things.

First, I must be very sure that any changes I make to my schedule do not have the effect of isolating me (in both the specific and general sense) - because for me, personally, isolation is actually in the "number-one offender" slot along with "resentment". I can literally die of isolation (and it wouldn't take that much). That's why I'll have attended two meetings today (a Saturday), and two more (including a secretary stint) tomorrow. These don't seem optional to me (but I'll have to keep them in the "stress resolution" queue at this point anyway - I may be able to "pay" for a reduction here with an easier meeting somewhere else).

Likewise, my volunteer commitments are very important parts of my spiritual program, and "cost" a lot to reduce - but I do see some leverage here in terms of taking care of myself (aka eating) - I could push one of my two Thursday night activities (back to back, same place) by 1/2 hour and still be effective - and eat.

There are other things I can look at as well, to manage my time so that I have adequate time and energy to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. One very key point is that I need to (for awhile anyway) avoid saying yes to any time commitments before I carefully examine how they impact my schedule and my serenity. For example, there's a future commitment I've been offered regarding a regular meeting on Monday nights - but rather far away, meaning rather late getting home - and I'm very probably going to need to say no to it for now - even though I'd like to be there, and even though it's a plus for my recovery (service). The hours just won't work for my weekday sleep schedule, which - I have to face the reality of - matters both in terms of my Meniere's and my recovery.

All of this in response to those tornadoes - the power of a disability (and of life on life's terms) that I have no ability to control; I can risk burnout - with potentially deadly consequences - or get humble and operate within my own limits. I know I have a higher power who would never push me as hard as I push myself.

The Goofy Scams Keep Coming

2010-04-05T13:28:00.001-07:00

A Great Birthday Present

2010-04-04T12:15:00.000-07:00

Wednesday (3/31) was my natal birthday - 51 years old – celebrated with a Saturday party hosted by my sisters...

I've already received the best birthday present I could possibly ask for - I start my new job as a contract employee at a major bank in San Francisco on Thursday April 8. The position, the process of acquiring it, and the assistance I've received throughout are so amazing to me, that although they've been documented in prior posts, I'm moved by gratitude to post the whole story right here.

I'd been actively engaged in my job search since last October (2009), when I exited the Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center - graduated September 2009 - having stayed on for a few weeks to commence what I'd hoped would be a quick job search process for an experienced IT (Information Technology) data analyst. Needless to say, six months later, with the ugly economy/job market, I'd had to seriously revise my assessment of my "easy" employ-ability (notwithstanding background issues detailed below).

When I try to think of where/when my higher power (HP, God if you like) stepped into my process to intervene in simply miraculous ways, I'm stymied - "speechless" even in this writing medium. Was it when I'd hit bottom in a homeless shelter in Richmond, way back in January 2009, and a new acquaintance there directed me to a nearby "day program" whose administrator hooked me up with a bed at the Salvation Army (SA - I'd been trying on my own for weeks)? Or perhaps it was when the head counselor at SA (Director of Rehabilitation Services) recommended I try the California Department of Rehabilitation (DOR) to get assistance with my hearing and balance issues? Perhaps it was when my DOR counselor recommended Abilicorp - a disability employment recruiting company - as one of my (many) job search contacts. I'm not even finished with this train of events - but clearly, my HP was operating on my behalf in all of them - and many more times (I can see now) before and after.

So before going on, let's rewind the tape a bit, and freeze-frame to examine the "status of Paul" on December 12, 2008 (my sobriety date). This bears doing because said status has repercussions that echo all the way into today (an alternate description: the "wreckage of my past" that I still have much work ahead to clean up).

On the date mentioned above, Paul had recently:

Lost his job as a Sr. Analytic Consultant due to alcoholism.
Spent a "pleasant" afternoon as a guest of the San Joaquin County (California) Sherrif's Department in their rubberized "observation" cell after calling himself in as a suicidal public drunk (an interesting story in itself).
Attended the scheduled court hearing for above, to find a "no complaint" status (the DA didn't press charges, most likely due to my self-report and no prior incidents - they certainly have bigger fish to fry).
Completely defaulted (and been sued - to no obvious effect - by a bank I won't name, but whose name figures rather prominently (an understatement) in Paul's current outlook, on something in the neighborhood (I'm still not sure) of $50,000 (total) in consumer debt to numerous creditors. Said debt is still unresolved at this writing (there hasn't been a "bankruptcy" - yet).
Had divorce papers filed (and seen an attorney) by his alcohol/crack cocaine addict wife (who subsequently died on March 1, 2009 - of (perhaps?) related causes).
Lost his place to live ("homeless") - related to the job loss; related to alcoholism.

While the above status cannot realistically be called that of a "criminal", it also rests quite a distance from many people's concept (mine included) of "employ-ability" - and the term "professional" wouldn't withstand much scrutiny either, in spite of the Bachelor's Degree in Information Systems Management. Actually, the best operative summation I can imagine for this combination of stellar success and egregious failure would be "A Job Recruiter's Worst Nightmare" - and so it has seemed to play out - until very recently.

Some other (then and current) status information relevant to this case of resurrection (yes - that's the right word! - and here comes Easter!):

"Disabled" (1) by moderate/severe hearing loss (I have hearing aids I haven't fully paid for), (2) by sporadic bouts of mild to fully incapacitating vertigo - both related to what's been diagnosed as Meniere's Syndrome. Noteworthy is that my alcoholism certainly exacerbated , but (apparently) didn't cause this condition, as I first experienced it during a protracted (7 years) total abstinence from alcohol and still have it (though thankfully in several months remission from the vertigo presently).
Non-driver (I surrendered my license several years ago) - due to the severity and unpredictability of my vertigo attacks (they include "nystagmus" - involuntary eye movements that make me functionally blind).

The Blessings/Miracles (that I can remember right now), in This Process, More or Less in Order of Receipt

A sister and sister-in-law (S/SIL) who rescued me from my self-made morass in December '08, and provided me with a sober living home for a month while I searched for a program (I then went to a homeless shelter for about 10 days as a counselor-recommended fast-track to a residential treatment program).
The acquaintance in the homeless shelter (I can't even recall the name) who directed me to the nearby ANKR day program facility as a source for finding a longer-term residential program.
The administrator/counselor at the ANKR program who found me a bed at the Salvation Army.
The Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center in Oakland, CA - the people who, for 10 months, gave me food, shelter, education, spiritual guidance*, meaningful work, discipline, and the structure to begin in earnest my working of the 12 steps of my recovery program.
My sponsor, Sam, and all my friends in recovery who helped me (and continue to do so) work the 12 steps of my recovery program.
The recovery program which has literally saved my life (obvious, but anonymous).
My S/SIL (again) who have provided me with room and board at a deep discount in their home (sober environment) while I've continue to work my recovery and my job search.
My DOR counselor, who has assisted me in my job search, and has found/qualified me for payment for online classes at a local college to upgrade my skill set - part of an employment development plan we set up together. This person also had (unknowingly, perhaps) a miracle role in suggesting I include Abilicorp in my job search process.
The counselor at the California Employment Development Department (EDD) who found a way to qualify me for an Unemployment Insurance extension even though I was unqualified (timed out) for the initial claim. Consequently, I'm not broke today.
My Abilicorp recruitment counselors/agents (2), who found the job opportunity for me at the bank, and went absolutely nuts on my behalf to work on getting me this position - through (no doubt) wooing the employer on the disability angle and my qualifications, and coaching me through process of tailoring my resume and interviewing for the position. One of these folks actually met me at a coffee shop prior to my interview for last minute coaching and assistance with the high-tech building elevator system.
My countless (really!) friends around the world(!) who have been my support and inspiration for my recovery. I consider it a miracle today that I have friends at all, since I had thrown friendship and love out the window at my bottom.

So here I am, about to embark on the next phase of a life worth living (who knew?). As long as this post is, there's no way I got everything or everyone that helped me listed. The works of the God of my understanding are just too buried in a thousand every-days. If you're reading this, it's almost certain that you have a place in my gratitude list. And every day now I wake up and see miracles. Somebody in a meeting somewhere put it beautifully for me once:

"Every day, as I walk around, I see little miracle flowers, and I pluck them (gratitude) as I go along - and when I get to the end of my day, I have a whole gratitude bouquet!"

* The Salvation Army is a Christian church which (in my words) spreads the gospel of Jesus Christ by providing services, shelter, and spiritual guidance to the needy in communities throughout the world, and has been doing so for well over a century (in other words, they're pretty darned good at it). I don't count myself as a Christian, but I can find in my heart nothing but profound gratitude to the Salvation Army and their Oakland Adult Rehabilitation Center - I am their champion and cheerleader, and will testify firsthand to the value of the work they are doing. I don't consider my position (as a non-Christian supporter of a Christian enterprise) the least bit hypocritical - in my recovery, I don't argue against anything or anyone who is doing good. Nor do I require anyone to agree with my beliefs about God or anything else. I support all people who meet suffering with compassion - regardless of their religion, philosophy, or beliefs. The Salvation Army (regardless of any human failings it may suffer) fits that bill (compassion) perfectly.

An Offer I Can't Refuse

2010-03-29T11:50:00.001-07:00

After almost exactly 6 months of job search, it's finally happened!

This morning I received an email from Abilicorp with an attached offer letter for employment (and associated new hire paperwork) at a major banking institution in San Francisco. The actual gig has been described in earlier posts, but suffice it to say here it's a perfect fit (with growth room), and the pay offered is on the high end (reasonable) of my career expectation - and may include (as yet unspecified) benefits.

I'll start on the 5th of April (next Monday at this writing). The job is a 3 month temp position but an open-ended opportunity as the team I'll join is for the purpose of concept validation for a process that will be ongoing if successful (and you can bet I'll be driving for success - and to become indispensable to my employer). Employment (continuation) is still dependent on a (still pending) background check, but the signs there are good (if not perfect).

Needless to say all the paperwork and supporting documentation has already been faxed back. Also needless to say is I'm thrilled with the opportunity, and grateful to all who have kept me in their prayers and helped me up to this point. My "excitement" is tempered (in a serene way) by the full knowledge that this is but another step in a long process of rebuilding a "wrecked" life (hence my moniker), making amends as needed, and clearing up the wreckage of my past. The difference today is that I have a hope that is unshakable so long as I continue on the spiritual journey of recovery and maintain my connection with the (utterly mind-blowing) higher power I've come to know.

As always, gratitude is the attitude, and serenity is the state.

Movement - A Free Throw at the Line

2010-03-24T14:02:00.001-07:00

This morning the employment ball got tossed to me - a rep at AbiliCorp e-mailed me the authorization forms for my background check (a requirement of the employer). I just got back from faxing the completed forms back to her, and now it's another waiting game; I'm told there's a backlog with the background research company, but in any case, the employer would want me to start on 4/5 if I'm hired, so no big issues for me with the wait. My AbiliCorp recruiter has told me things look quite good for my application - and any issues (there are a few potentials) with the background check (financial woes), we'll take them as they come.

So as it's been throughout this process, it's me doing that next right thing as I'm presented with it, and give all the rest (worries, outcomes) to my higher power, who's infinitely better able to handle all of this than I am. As complicated as things look on the surface, I've got a really strong sense that this is going to represent a watershed in my recovery - the God of my understanding leading me through the process of clearing away some of the major wreckage of my past, so I can be the more unburdened, and free to be a living example of the power to be had through the spiritual way of life given to me by my recovery program.

All good here!

Reconnecting in Recovery

2010-03-19T08:54:00.001-07:00

Quick Update:

Had a wisdom tooth removed yesterday - local anesthetic and nitrous only. A pretty (amazingly) painless procedure overall, and doing well today.

Still in a holding pattern re when my 2nd interview will be scheduled, and still waiting to receive the authorization form for a background check - meanwhile, I've passed along to my AbiliCorp rep an updated references list, which brings me to the point of this post...

Re-creating and updating my references list for this promising job application process, I've had, in the past couple days, the opportunity to experience (again) what is probably one of the most profound and beautiful gifts (promises) of recovery; reconnecting and renewing my relationships with people from my past. From the standpoint of humility, some of these folks have every reasonable justification for wanting nothing to do with me ever again (whether I made amends to them or not).

Yet, thanks to a higher power (HP) whose mysterious ways I can't fathom, not only have *every one* of these people forgiven me, and spoken kindly to me when I called them to ask for reference permission - they've jumped enthusiastically at the chance to help me. In some ways, this isn't the least bit surprising, as the particular folks I'm interested in using for this purpose really are the "cream of the crop" - very good people whose kindness, patience, and tolerance I took extreme advantage of in my addiction. So, you see, my higher power was watching over me and caring for me even then - when I was oblivious, even militantly resistant to acknowledging his existence.

Where this puts me today is in a position of deep gratitude - for the amazing things my HP is doing for me today, and the ever expanding (and re-awakening) circle of friends growing up around me (another promise of the program). Crazy old alcoholic me gets to have the finest friends and colleagues anyone could ask for.

Recovery is good indeed.

Moving Forward!

2010-03-15T18:27:00.001-07:00

I just got a call from my AbiliCorp contact indicating he'd spoken with the hiring manager (see previous post) and same wants to move forward with the preliminaries of getting me on board within the next two weeks!

Said preliminaries involve a background check (somewhat tricky on the financial side - again, see prior posts) which I must authorize (form being sent to me), a references check (I'll be providing some updates to AbiliCorp) and another interview with a counterpart of the hiring manager.

Needless to say, my AbiliCorp rep is quite confident that I'll secure this position; nothing carved in stone yet though, and unless/until I have an offer in hand, I keep guarded optimism - and gratitude that the process is still alive and certainly trending my way.

More to come as more happens!

Serenity Baby B-Day

2010-03-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

I'm 15 months "old" today - "birthday" Dec 12, 2008.

Noteworthy, of course, on this birthday is the serenity attendant to my job interview yesterday. Details to follow, but first my profound gratitude and amazement at my acceptance today of uncertainty. Yes, I want this job - it really is a perfect mix of capability and challenges for me - a real opportunity for personal and professional growth. And no, of course, I don't know if I'll get it yet - and likely won't know until late next week when final decisions are made. The real difference my spiritual program makes for me today is that I'm perfectly OK with not knowing; whether I get the job or not, I can look forward to more growth and a better life than I can imagine - so long as I stay in fit spiritual condition by staying connected and working my program.

My personal experience of the interview yesterday and its result: awesome! Again, that's my perspective, and I can't account for anyone else's (including my interviewer - the hiring manager). And that's OK. What's awesome about my experience is that I really did go into the process with a deep serenity and conviction that I was putting my best foot forward, and offering myself up in service - just as my HP wants. What feedback I did get from my interviewer was largely positive; I was only once "sideswiped" by a question I didn't have the best answer for, and most of the process involved the manager explaining what he needed, and me explaining what I had to bring to the table to help him achieve those goals. Rigorous honesty was maintained, and at the end of an interview that took slightly longer than scheduled (good!), I was shown around where I might be working, and informed that I may have another interview (with a different person) before a final decision is made (also good!)

Another awesome thing about this process was that my AbiliCorp recruiter met me in a coffee shop just prior to the interview, for a last-minute prep talk that (he and I were both pleased) was barely needed, but much appreciated nonetheless.

The job in question is actually one position of several in a new project team the manager has received funding for to literally test the viability of (his) conceptual framework for managing security against cyber-attacks on a real-time basis. The data analysis piece I would be doing is to ferret out anomalies in event tracking data that could indicate malicious activity, and recommend approaches to dealing with same. The idea is to stay one (or more) step ahead of the "bad guys" before they can do actual damage. The challenge for me based on my experience is the "real time" quick-turnaround aspect; it's also the most exciting part of jumping on board with a new team. Teamwork is the emphasis, which fits in perfectly with the new "design for living" I've been given through my spiritual program. It's no longer about "I" and "me", it's about "us" and "we".

So today, it's guarded optimism, and no letting up on anything relating to my spiritual program or my job search process (including my DOR development plan!).

Banking on Amends

2010-03-10T11:35:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow (3/11), I have my very first in-person job interview since I launched my job search last October. More on this below, but first...

One of the major financial amends I still need to make, is to the major banking institution that served me for many years (personal banking & credit services) before and during my alcoholic decline. These folks fronted me a great deal of money over that time; one perspective I've had was that they "gave me the rope to hang myself with" - and while that might be the case, I know today it wasn't their fault I chose to do so - winding up in serious default, teetering on bankruptcy (which could still happen, eventually). When I finally lost my job in late 2008, any chance of making good (as if I would have, in my then state), evaporated with it. Not surprisingly, I am now (probably via this institution filing) on the national "financial services bad list" - unqualified to hold any bank account at all (at major institutions anyway). As I continue to seek employment, the making of this (and other financial amends) starts to loom large on my horizon - something I'm actually grateful for today, as I do want to begin to clear up this self-inflicted damage as soon as possible.

Warning: The last sentence above is a bit of (literary) magician's sleight-of-hand - meant to lead you, the reader, down the merry path of dismissive assumptions, to the zinger coming below.

Back on the job search front, enter AbiliCorp - a disability-focused employment recruiting company, who got me the "hook-up" for the job interview tomorrow. I met with two AbiliCorp recruiting counselors on Monday - for the dual purpose of "interviewing" with them (I'd be an AbiliCorp contract employee for the first 90 days), and to prep me for the job interview at their client's office in San Francisco. These folks have "gone to bat" for me in no small terms, and they are convinced that I'm an excellent fit for a deep analytic consulting job on a short-term project the client is engaging to help them determine whether a longer-term project is viable. In other words, I'd be jumping in on the ground floor of a project that could literally take off for the sky...

The client? Well, it's inappropriate for me to name names here, but if you take into account my teaser above, you might have already guessed that the company I'm interviewing with tomorrow (hiring manager!) is none other than that very same major financial institution to whom I owe a ton of money. That's right, kids, I'm going into the lion's den and asking the lion if he can spare a pork chop. Surprisingly, even to me, the AbiliCorp folks (and yes, I'm practicing rigorous honesty here) think the issue won't be seriously relevant - and I shouldn't bring it up unless asked. Being as it's a major bank, a background check is a certainty - but the AbiliCorp folks believe (as I'm hopeful of) that given my good fit for the work, and assuming I interview well, my financial problems are pretty "typical" of this current economy, and the employer will probably disregard it as an employment issue.

Now enter my Higher Power (HP) - the reason I'm writing this post in the first place. I would guess that a lot of folks might think I'm a nut-case to waltz into the offices of a company I owe huge amends to and ask for a job. Maybe even the hiring manager would think that. But none of these (imagined) people know my HP the way I'm getting to. If there's one quality I can unquestioningly pin on my HP, it's a wild-ass sense of humor that ROCKS. The favorite thing my HP loves to do is shove my issues/defects in front of my face repeatedly in creative ways that I simply cannot miss - until I finally throw up my hands and say, "OK, I get it! I'll do it your way!" Case in point: this specific financial institution has been showing up in my job search (with near-perfect matching positions) over and over and over again, through online search engines, and numerous (same and different) recruiter calls. Up till now, I've been responsive, but lukewarm - but no more. This one is hot!

Here's the deal for tomorrow: I go in with no outcome assumptions at all. I might get a job, I might not. If I don't get a job, nothing bad has happened - I just keep rolling along with my job search, as I've been doing for months now. My job is to hunt for jobs. But tomorrow, with a fully prayed and meditated and "meetinged" (I'm able to attend one prior to my interview - thanks HP!) and therefor hopefully fit spiritual condition, I go, dressed to the nines, suit up and show up, to put my very best foot forward and explain to these folks how I might help them if they help me. Professionalism, humility, gratitude, and a willingness to be rigourously honest - because that's what my HP wants from me, no other reason - are my watchwords for the day. And there's the payoff, whether I get the job or not - I'll get the serenity of knowing I did the will of my HP, not my own (at least not my old will - the best result of which is a homeless shelter) - better than any prize I could hope to win. I do the footwork - my HP takes care of outcomes, and of me. That's the new deal in recovery, and it's a sweet deal indeed.

When it Rains

2010-02-12T08:29:00.001-08:00

There's both a beauty and a sadness in rain. Actually, it's the beauty of sadness. Sadness in a quiet place, with the sky working to wring it's grayness out in the form of rain - rain that will clear the way for the sun to shine again, perhaps today, perhaps tomorrow - maybe next week - it doesn't matter, for today is about stillness.

I've heard people tell of sadness that doesn't have a reason (they call it depression). I know this well. Feelings are like that - they don't follow the logic of the neocortex; they have their own internal logic. Rain reminds me (when I pay attention) of the times when manic life is suspended for a pause in the eternal; the bigger thing on which all the crazy little things in life depend. If you think "God", you get my point. It cam seem invisible until it rains.

And that's what it's for, this sadness - this rain. To draw attention to the difference between doing and being. Certainly in the act of doing, we are being - but we'll never know that unless we pause and let the rain in. To be sad is surely to Be, and that in itself is a good thing. One beauty I have today is that I can actually accept, even embrace, my feelings for what they are. Rain and all. In so doing, my feelings can feed my spirit, and my spirit can thrive.

One Month In (2010)

2010-01-29T12:01:00.000-08:00

Wow, here it is Jan 29, and I haven't done a (major) posting since December!

I'm still in the midst of my job search, with increasing assistance from my DOR (State Department of Rehabilitation) counselor - we're in the process this week of creating an Employment Development Plan, and she's located several openings and related information meetings / job fairs for me to attend in the coming weeks. Meanwhile, I'm still hacking away daily at online job applications through all the major job search engines, and looking at creative (and dynamic) ways to tweak my resume. I've also gotten myself a professional business card, and come up with a short but pointed "elevator speech" (suggestion of a friend in recovery who happens to be an employment counselor) - what I say to people when I give them the card ("them" being anyone and everyone whose attention I get for 30 seconds).

I'm still collecting unemployment checks (see earlier posts), and am participating financially in my own upkeep - which makes me happy for the moment, but doesn't last forever, of course - living with my sister and her partner and two dogs (also introduced in a prior post) who I'm "dog sitting" as I write.

Every Thursday afternoon I take a bus ride (about 40 minutes) to Oakland and the Salvation Army ARC, where once, not yet long ago, I was a beneficiary in residence. Nowadays, I go there in the service mode, to tutor current beneficiaries in computer skills - particularly those around resume creation and job search. I'm also staying after my one-hour computer session to assist the GED class instructor as a tutor. One of the best aspects of doing this volunteer service is that I (currently) know most of the beneficiaries (and all of the staff) quite well, and it's good to stay connected with folks who were together with me in the trenches. At this point in my own journey, I'm an unwaverable believer in service to others (particularly other addicts/alcoholics) as a major cornerstone of my recovery.

I'm also heavily involved in service with my 12-step program and several fellowships thereof; I'm motivated to become even more involved as time permits. Again, it's the connections I have, through service, with people in recovery, and the spiritual program, that keeps my recovery (and my whole life, I believe) on track.

On the hearing front, I'm using my recently "repaired" (once again, a prior post) aids quite often these days, though I don't wear them all the time - only when I know I'm going into situations where I'll benefit from using them. I don't have to tell my HOH friends that even the best hearing aids (and these pretty much are) aren't a perfect solution to hearing issues. I'll still very likely need some accommodations from whatever employer I wind up with - and I'm somewhat limited in terms of the specific roles I can accept (phone work with the general public, for example, is pretty much out of the question).

The vertigo aspect of my Meniere's is another story, and the biggest driver of my seeking help from the DOR. Though I've been blessed lately with several months of no major attacks (I still get my little reminders), my friends with Meniere's or other balance affecting disorders will appreciate my continued angst, and my insistence that this issue be addressed in my employment search as a "disability". I don't (and won't) drive because of the severity and unpredictable nature of my attacks - and because I know that stress (in general) is one of my huge triggers (no accounting for others), I know that part of my current "remission" can be attributed to the (remarkable) low stress level I've been living with since I've been home from the SA (and even for the last couple months as a beneficiary). Remarkable because I know a lot of (normal) folks in my current situation (unemployed, burdened with huge debt, uncertain future) would be stressed in the extreme - but I'm getting the full (spiritual) benefits of my recovery every day - and the biggest benefit is the matching of my "stressors" with a serenity and confidence that if I just do my best to meet my challenges each day, the God of my understanding will take care of the outcomes; it's been proven to me again and again now. So my "job" on this front ("disability") is to accept and participate fully in the help (DOR) that I'm offered - I'm listening to my counselor, and doing the things she suggests. I expect nothing less than success in the long run, though I must continue to practice patience in the short term.

Recovery notwithstanding, my general stress level can be expected to increase as I continue to expand my social networks, and eventually move into employment (information services, my general employment category, is a high-stress field). Though again, I have a much better approach now, than in the past, for dealing with my "stressors", I know that as I get busier, I'm at greater risk for developing my own symptoms of stress, which can include vertigo attacks (historically). So like all of life, it's a balancing act, with my best prevention plan involving foreknowledge and observation - paying attention to what's going on with me, and making sure I take care of myself before I go off the deep end trying to save the world (an MO of mine that almost killed me).

All things considered, life for me is good, and getting better. I'm hoping, dear reader, that the same can be said for you.

Talking

2010-01-29T11:59:00.000-08:00

Time again for an update for all my friends & colleagues (thanks, those of you who've asked recently).

One thing worth mentioning at the outset is the various ways you can currently follow me (though I know I'm remiss in updating sometimes). All are invited to use any of these methods, and I'll try here to list them in top-down order by "hottest" (for example, on YM I'm literally live (chat) daily).

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Yahoo Messenger (YM):
My ID: ps4ss4841
Direct (IM) text chat
Available: Most weekdays, between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. U.S. Pacific Time Zone

Email:
pschneiderarc@live.com
Checked at least twice daily

Twitter:
http://twitter.com/lifewrecked/
One-line updates ("tweets")
Become a follower and I'll update daily.
I'll follow you too.

IRC (Internet Relay Chat):
Nick: LifeWrecked
Nets: UnderNet, DALNet
Lately, you can actually find me nearly every day (late in the day, many evenings) on UnderNet in the #41plustrivia channel. I've become something of a trivia (chat) addict - to the point where I'm top dog (score) this month, and the existing channel OPerators invited me into that (OP) role. IRC (in general) is the Wild West of the chat universe. You can get a popular client (software for using IRC) at: http://www.mirc.com/

Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/LifeWrecked
I'm very gradually ramping up as a Facebook user - I manage to check in most days at least once a day, and have a gaggle more friends than I can keep up with, but that's life on social networks. Feel free to "friend" me, and if I have a clue who you are (personal notes help), I'll accept.

This Blog:
http://newlifewreckblog.blogspot.com/
The good, the bad, and the just plain nuts - my ramble and rant forum
Updated sporadically - again, become a follower (click the link on the left), and I'll probably post more often. BTW, for those of you with old links, this above link is to this new version as of late 2008 (the old one is still up, but I don't update it).

Not a direct contact, but well worth mentioning:

SWC (Say What Club):
My friends with hearing loss!
http://www.saywhatclub.com/ (click for more info)
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=109929742027 (Facebook)
I'm actually a bit of a "lurker" these days on the SWC email list (World); I read the digest daily, and do reply to posts occasionally (enough to stay activated). This will probably change (more activity) as the Mini-Con date (summer 2010) draws near, as I fully intend to make it to Denver for this one! I miss being as active with SWC as I once was; I'm still "reconstructing" a life here. I love you folks!
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Above wound up being big enough for one post, so I'll post another one for the actual skinny on my latest doings...

Funny Resume Posting Response Scammers

2010-01-16T13:28:00.000-08:00

The Last Post of 2009

2009-12-31T09:59:00.000-08:00

While I'm at it:

Is your cell phone secure?

Latest Activities/Musings

I've actually received my first unemployment check from EDD! It was a long time coming, and a lot of bureaucratic effort, but it paid off. CASHING said checks is quite another story for yours truly - due to my being blacklisted from normal banking services. So far, holding my breath on a two-party check ATM deposit at my sister's bank.

I've so far had two telephone job interviews - a week apart; one for the company I'd worked for previously, one for another large healthcare organization - both for quite reasonable positions, and both with moderately promising results. No resting on the daily push though - I'm still responding to unrelated posts as they come in from the many job search engines I'm subscribed to. I'm also ramping up on a free 3 month trial of UpMo - a rather unique "Intelligent Job Hunt" and networking site. It's a bit of a learning curve to use their unique style of explicitly networked job seeking, but it does look quite interesting and rich in helpful info. With that in mind...

The Job is Networking (Writing)

Landing squarely on the last day of 2009, it occurs to me that my primary job for at least the first few days of 2010 (I can always hope for less "free" time) is Networking - the traditional meaning of that word, not specifically the technical; though for me, of course, the primary medium is the via the latter. Going a bit deeper still, it seems my focus needs to shift slightly from my prior technically oriented career pursuits to the related pursuit of my first passion - the very activity I'm engaged in - writing (any and every mode).

Look for increasing activity on this blog, and hopefully some of my other social networking domains as well.

A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!

Old Tech

2009-12-22T06:34:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, digging through some of my old stuff that my sister stashed for me, I encountered a gadget (I never owned - some of their stuff is mixed in with mine) that rather fascinated me; an old (but new looking) Psion PDA. Being always the techno-curious sort, I plumbed the thing together with its battery charger, and fooled around with it this morning to see what tricks it could do. I also downloaded a PDF user manual for it - noting that the manufacturer (Psion) is now defunct.

Silly thing actually works fine, and noting that its original retail price was probably in excess of $100 (way back when non-cellular PDAs were "nifty"), I did my very best to try to figure out what this gizmo might add to my life/routine. Sadly, the answer, after much fiddling, was zilch. My current (near bottom of the line) cell phone is more capable overall in terms of life management (it has many PDA style organizer functions embedded). Between that and the notebook PC I'm writing this on, the (then) snazzy little PDA is 100% obsolete. I'll be putting it in the donations bag along with all the other electronic "junk" we've come across.

Those of you who know me can likely predict where this leads me - to the philosophical (yet strangely practical) issue of "whither thou goest, latest and greatest technology - aye, to the junk heap!"

Certainly, the junking of old technology is nothing new in itself - no doubt the very first plough got tossed into the then equivalent of the backyard junk pile when a new and better version came along. What's astounding to me today is the exponentially accelerating pace of this process I've seen in my own lifetime. Witness the very cell phone that trumped the PDA above; guess how many "junk" cell phones go through the Salvation Army electronics section in a week? I can tell you from my stint there, it's a literal pile - we counted them into boxes of 50 or so, and they got shipped to an (unknown to me) cell phone recycler (one can only hope/imagine what that "recycling" process looks like). For something like cell phones, it's sales shelf to junk bin in far less than a year on average. And how many people in our society carry cell phones?

I'm a trend-bucker, to some degree, in that process. My current cell phone is actually several years old, and rather "minimalist" in terms of features - and it suits me just fine with the new SIM card I bought for it so I could have the pay-as-you-go plan I need currently (at zero income without help, I can't afford to pay for even one minute I don't use). I'll probably keep that phone until it breaks (or I do, or it becomes useless on the latest wireless network) - because I've never had much use for tiny objects that pretense to run my life for me.

Same thing with this notebook - it's a refurbished machine (a pretty decent one even for today), shipped to me with Vista on it (which I hate with a passion - apparently not alone), and outside of upgrading the OS with a "downgrade" to XP if I can ever afford it, I'm not liable to change a thing or want anything new for quite awhile - as long as it still works.

I'm also a "late adopter" of technology, as the OS enlightened realized in reading the paragraph above - yes, I've heard of Windows 7. No, you won't see me going near that one (unless it's dumped on me, like Vista was) until it has a track record of stability equaling or rivaling XP. Meanwhile, here comes (maybe) Google Chrome, and a whole new paradigm of network embedded computing - which likewise will prove itself to me when it does. Am I stodgy? Probably. Then again, everything "new and improved" (Google "oxymoron") has a cost - and personally, I'm broke, and even though that will no doubt change radically in the future, I've meanwhile gotten a hold of some pretty deep values in terms of personal economics. I need what I need, and that can be very different from eye candy (technical or otherwise).

Joy of Text

2009-12-19T11:40:00.001-08:00

A personal blessing that occurred to me recently is that I swim freely through a world that few of my peers know, except in passing. It's a world I dived into decades ago, when most of our society was oblivious to its existence; many thought the whole concept (and probably me) nuts. It's a world that's since been molded into the very fabric of our modern culture, in the very specific ways that suit the current generation. It's a world that has been superseded by technology enhancements like the World Wide Web, camera phones, and video on demand - yet carries on as if nothing happened. It's a world that comes naturally to writers (avocation) like me. It's the world of electronic plain text communication (I'll shorten it to "text" for this post), in its various forms.

In recent times, the power I tap from my experience in this world has come home to me in a big way, due to my hearing loss. When one loses one's hearing (even partially), the most profound effect I've noticed is the social isolation it causes. Things like hearing aids and other assistive audio technologies help (though not the Deaf), but they can't fully replace a working pair of ears for the day to day social experience every person needs to thrive - and sure, there are lots of folks who are deprived said social experience for a variety of reasons, not just hearing issues. Naturally, those of us who are able turn to the next best thing - writing (text). The key issues there, of course, are ability and availability. And as I'm so frequently discovering for myself lately, the "next best thing" often turns out to be just that - better, in some ways, than the speech ability it replaces.

Ability as an issue reared its ugly head before me the other day when I was volunteer tutoring computer skills for a bunch of Salvation Army beneficiaries in an ad-hoc computer lab there. Though some of these folks have computer skills, most have relatively little knowledge or experience in this realm. What's worse for them, though, is that many of them also have quite limited literacy (reading and writing skills using English - or any language, for that matter). In helping them learn to do things like set up and use email accounts, create resumes, etc., I've had to check myself often that I'm not putting undue expectations of literacy on any given student. These students are highly motivated - they volunteer for this class (and many are also taking a GED course). They know that computer skills are an essential component of most jobs today; and also that said skills can greatly enhance their search for employment when they graduate the program.

I wrote the above paragraph because I want to point out my gratitude that I am both highly literate and live in an age when my literacy, combined with the available technologies, can enable me to thrive, even in the absence of good hearing. This wasn't always so (historically), and it certainly isn't so for those who have limited or no functional literacy. Hence I have also volunteered (yet to fulfill) to tutor literacy at the same facility (something I have prior experience in elsewhere) - for that very reason: gratitude.

What really drove me to this post today was my re-growing social experience through real-time text media; most specifically, my participation in chat rooms through Internet Relay Chat (IRC). IRC is a predominantly text based medium that's been around literally for decades (just like me), and is as crazy and full of mindless nonsense as it has always been. Mired in the process though, are real people who, for a variety of reasons, find this method of socializing to be ideal - either in tandem with more natural means, or as one of their primary social outlets. The power of text in this mode comes out for me in the "purity" of communication with others - I can't see them, and that's actually a good thing; I'm not distracted by visual cues. It's easier to be "real" and efficient when you're not so distracted - witness the (still) entrenchment of the voice telephone (for the hearing-abled) over (now easily available) video conferencing.

IRC is just one example of the power of text for me. Another is the availability of SMS (cell phone) text messaging - something I use many times a day to coordinate my activities in my local social circle. In many instances, a simple "dead-end" (no response required) text message can be more effective than a long, drawn out (and for me, sometimes difficult to understand) phone call. Ability, again, plays a major role - some of us are more skilled and patient with cell phone "keyboarding" than others; I'm not bad at it, but I'm still known to revert to a (happily available!) SMS via Internet service when I'm near my computer.

Text is a limited form of communication, certainly, but hidden in its limitations (for me, anyway) are freedom and power and depth of experience. It's the "power of the pen" literally accelerated by computer technology. This blog is one example. Text doesn't globally replace any other form of communication any more than computers have made printed books obsolete (they haven't come close). For those who have access to it, it's potentially world-expanding; for those who don't, it's another difference to challenge our compassion.

One Year

2009-12-13T12:04:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I celebrated one year of sobriety from my last dry date of 12/12/2008. And what a year it has been!

First, an inscription from a gift my sister gave me to mark this milestone:

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Press on: Nothing in the world can take the place of perseverance.
Talent will not: Nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not: Unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education will not: The world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
Press on!
- Calvin Coolidge
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I like to assume that the genotype is the obvious explanation for the appreciation of values my eldest sister and I share. The best science says that plays a big part, but isn't everything. Perhaps because over the years we've swapped roles as anchors in our various life storms; perhaps the vision wrought by hard experience is indistinguishable from person to person (acknowledging cynicism as the counterpoint view).

Whatever the reason, my sister (as so frequently happens) nailed it.

The key gift that brought me to this point in my recovery was the persistence embodied in the (short form) Serenity Prayer - "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." In my struggle to explain the reason I'm sober today when so many of my peers in "recovery" are not; indeed, in comparing my own failed attempts (relapses) prior to this "...phase of my development...", the only words that come to mind are persistence and dogged determination - not of my own making, but consistent gifts of a Higher Power I neither fully understand nor need to. And that speaks sharply to the intellect that failed me.

Make no mistake - I'm grateful for that intellect that lets me plumb the depths of both the real and the imaginary worlds. But it's a tool - not a god - and therein lies my failure, because I made it the latter. Coolidge could so easily point to me and my life so far as his template for the quote above. I fully believed that my talents, "genius" (intellect), and education made me invincible - with them, I'd solve any problem that cropped up (even alcoholism). But I forgot there is one problem these things couldn't solve - that problem is me. Left to my own devices, I drink, or find myriad other ways to avoid my reality - and in so doing, destroy all hope for my own happiness.

So it is that a year ago yesterday I was hopeless, and finally able to surrender control of my life to an unknown power - with the certitude that no matter the outcome of doing so, it couldn't be worse than my situation at that time. This is the "bottom" that many recovering addicts/alcoholics refer to - the place of complete surrender - and it's different for everyone; some need to be far worse off (materially) than others - but it always represents a complete failure of self-will. We give up, we just can't figure life out.

Today, I still can't figure life out - but I know I no longer need to. I have ever growing faith in a power, far greater than my own talents, intellect, or education that can "figure my life out" for me - and guide me, when I have the humility to ask for guidance, to solutions that give me serenity and peace with the world as it is, and with my fellows. For that, and for them, I am grateful as I begin this, my second year of sobriety - one day at a time.

Blessed Incompetence

2009-12-04T00:29:00.000-08:00

First, a short distraction, courtesy of my hero, Weird Al Yankovic:

The nightmare of every job seeker:
Skipper Dan

Above is not captioned (sorry, my HOH friends) - here are the lyrics:
Skipper Dan Lyrics

On another note, I had an appointment today with a hearing aid dispenser, courtesy the California Department of Rehabilitation - to get an updated hearing evaluation. My wizened HOH friends will smell something funny with that last statement, I know - but there's an amazing, blessed surprise in the story, and though the names must be changed to protect the guilty, innocent, and just plain crazy (me), the ending has me stoned on gratitude to/for everyone involved.

Bus person that I am, I walked an extra couple blocks to catch the "rapid" version of the bus that would take me most of the way to my appointment, leaving me with about a half-mile walk at the far end; easy for my well-toned walking legs. It took a little hunting through a boardwalk mall to find the actual office. I was almost exactly 1/2 hour early (the natural M/O of this experienced public transit user), and that turned out to be involved in the first big payoff that was cleverly disguised as ineptitude.

A sign on the door read (paraphrase)...

"We're remodeling, and our current location is now... [a backtrack location about 1.5 miles and 1/2 hour walk away]". This was an appointment I'd made by phone the day prior in response to a DOR letter that included the phone number and address (where I was) - and I racked my brain for any recollection of being told this new address on the phone. Either I had been in a flashback blackout (doubtful), or the receptionist/appointment person had forgotten to tell me (most likely). Humility alert!

I absolutely felt (heh) I had to call these folks on my cell phone to let them know I might be late. I know I was angry, but apparently (I'd be told later) I didn't let it show much; I was very sure to let the lady know I was walking. To her credit, she apologized profusely, both on the phone, and in person. Before she could get to the in-person part, I got to do my humility stint by being utterly unable to find the place without repeated guidance over the cell phone - she even had to go out front and wave me down. But I got there, and managed a good performance of humility with gratitude - which garnered me the comment that I was a lot better than some of the other folks she'd encountered (same problem! heh).

Now to the actual "hearing test" - all told, the setup was about what I'd expect from a dispenser (not an audiologist office). I was actually resigned to my fate already, but the technician wasn't! She looked at the letter the DOR sent me and declared "[she] must have goofed - I'm pretty sure they want a state licensed audioligist - they weren't supposed to send you to us!" - I couldn't but agree in principle, but, you see, I had worked so very hard to get there! I must have looked something like the rabbit right before the fox pounces, because the technician decided to ask her supervisor (who figures more prominently later), and he OK'd the test anyway [lest the reader forget, I'm "indigent" and these people know it - they won't be getting a dime anytime soon that doesn't come from the DOR].

So into their portable soundproof booth I went, and did the beepy button thing. The tech lady tried to get fancy and do the bone conduction thing, but she was having trouble getting her (unfamiliar - recall they'd relocated - the office was a disaster) machine to do the requisite narrow-band masking noise for the non-test side [the experienced HOH people just got their revenge for my slights above]. So she called back her supervisor (fuzzy relationship detection) and he twaddled around with it a bit - then declared it functionally useless, along with the speech recognition test, which wasn't happening today. He let me know I needed to reschedule to get the complete test, because the equipment they needed was at their other office. I think I surprised him by being utterly tractable - I just wanted out of there, at that point. I remember thinking "this will make a long blog post" - so right I was.

In talking to me, this supervisor (I know his name, but I'll call him Bill), queried me about my hearing aids, which I'd mentioned on the intake form, and which, in fact, I had with me. I wound up telling Bill the summary version of my "story", and apparently I twanged a couple of his heart strings in the process. He had some trouble believing the reported behavior of my capricious left HA, and wanted a look at it, so I let him look and play with his stethoscope rig. My issue had been that the aid would "fade out to dead" after a few minutes of usage, battery be damned. He couldn't repeat that scenario on his rig, but I got the effect immediately upon mounting the aid in my ear. It was "intermittent". Bill's eyes lit up then - he was sure I had a "tube problem" - not a problem with the electronics. I let him fiddle with the tube, and then he cleaned it.

It had been at least 6 months, probably closer to 9, since I'd walked around "aided". Though my right (ear) aid was assistive in the pair, it was almost useless alone, so without a functional left, I'd never bothered. You've no doubt guessed my outcome above. Bill said he thought the tube probably had some water in it, and that didn't sound wrong to me, as I'd remembered a rainy day as one of the last good ones. I couldn't do anything but shake Bill's hand and thank him profusely before walking out into the world fully aided again.

Incompetence, ineptitude - this story is full of both, isn't it? Everyone else's - and mine. My whole point in writing about this is that those features of humanity have always driven me nuts, and still can, from time to time. But this time I came home from the circus with a grateful heart. Vive la difference? It's the promises, again. I was able to walk through my crazy world without panic or even any serious high blood pressure. And nobody (including me) needed to have a bad day. Life on life's terms - acceptance. It's a wonderful way to live.

Life in the Modern World - Job Applications Online

2009-12-01T11:24:00.001-08:00

For many weeks now, I've been seeking employment; in the process, submitting applications by what has become the most common method for most companies of significant size - and many smaller ones as well: online via a corporate website, or via email.

Let me say at the outset that this is quite a welcome change from past methods, with the huge advantage being that I can submit many applications in a single day - greatly improving my odds in the currently horrific job market.

Needless to say, submitting by email is by far the easiest method in general - assuming one has all the information the job posting requests (e.g., cover letter, resume, and other requested details in "electronic" format). Occasionally I've encountered limitations (like "text only" resume requests) that complicate matters somewhat, but with my personal (technology) background, said complications are minor nuisances rather than show-stoppers.

The real inspiration for this post is the online application process via corporate or institutional websites. Again, one is best off to be prepared with all the details in electronic form - and most (but not all!) company websites will accept uploads of resumes and (in some cases) cover letters, etc. Some really snazzy websites will even do a pretty good job of parsing an uploaded resume into an online application - (like the "real" world, both are normally required) filling out some of the application fields for you. Those, of course, are the "snazzy" ones - as you might guess, it's some of the not-so-snazzy ones that drive this applicant nuts.

Not very often, but too often for a dedicated job seeker, one of these "Webby Apps" (as I call them - computer programs run on a server, and presented via the Internet) fails miserably to complete the (employment) application process. Either the website will take a major "Internal Server Error" - shutting down the whole application process - or what I call the "play through" of the designed application procedure will be so fraught with glitches and limitations (e.g., maximum text lengths), that creating an effective application is virtually impossible. In these situations, I'm led to wonder if the company in question is serious about taking employment applications online at all.

I've even encountered a situation where I successfully submitted an application for a job I neither desired nor was qualified for - because the website had the job posting number cross-referenced with two entirely different positions! In other words, I applied for one job, and was congratulated for applying for the other. I may never find out which position I actually applied for in that case.

All told, it's a good thing I consider my daily online job search process as part of "my current job" - meaning I expect to work at it; meaning (like all work) there are challenges and frustrations as a matter of course, along with the successes. I also consider this process (along with my entire lifestyle right now) an adventure - turning over rocks (be they heavy or light) to see what wriggles out - knowing that eventually I'll get rewarded with a prize catch.

Ever hopeful, and still blessed...

HOH Awareness - Forgetting my Disability

2009-11-30T08:01:00.000-08:00

I've always resisted calling myself "disabled" (oh, I know all the culturally sensitive versions of that word - but they all amount to the same concept: the need to be either excluded or accommodated for an ability that most people take for granted). Now that I'm (technically) homeless and "unemployed" (meaning I don't currently get a paycheck), I've had to rethink my attitude about that - particularly since a disabled status (coupled with my zero income) can get me assistance that would be unavailable to me otherwise.

What's remarkable about the "disability" that I and a lot of you who read this share, is that in many situations, it's entirely (or nearly) invisible to others - since either "aided" or not, many of us can function effectively in many areas of our life. My vertigo symptoms (related) fall into that same category, since (again, like many) I'm not dizzy all the time (and I'm blessed lately with huge periods of remission), so nobody who isn't in constant contact with me is going to notice a thing. Strangely enough, neither will I.

That brings me to the point of this post - I often forget my personal limitations until they're thrust full-force into my face. Examples are conversing with a speed-talker, understanding across a big meeting room, and answering the inevitable question about why I don't drive. I cruise through most of my day and - surprise! - slam into my "disabled" wall. How I handle that speaks both to my overall serenity, and my experience/acceptance of my limitations.

First and foremost in that acceptance process is the understanding that I'm hardly unique - even among "normal" people (notwithstanding my dear friends who share my specific trials). I'm trying to remember a person I know or have known who doesn't have some limitation(s) that would count as disability if they were challenged to use that "feature" in their livelihood (larger meaning than "work") - and I can't. The reason is easy - the human condition applies to everybody (human).

So what drives the difference - because there is a difference - for those of us who by necessity must cross over the "disability" line? Looking at the way the public service sector (wherever you are) defines that line doesn't help answer that question. The range is too broad; I'm "mildly" disabled at worst (by local standards), and I (stand?) in the same line with people who need far greater accommodations than I. In fact, one of the issues I've struggled with most is in that comparison of limitations. It's pretty humbling to ask for help along with people I very well could be helping myself.

There's a divide (my perception) between overt standards of ability (e.g., a job description) and the routine assumptions we all make about the abilities of people we interact with daily. Hearing ability is an obvious example (I can do the job - but whoops! - I need accommodation to fully function at meetings - that question can't even be asked legally in the U.S.) I'm reminded of recent job applications I've submitted (for jobs that don't involve driving - for a large, "culturally sensitive" company) in which an actual requirement in the job description is "A valid California drivers license and a vehicle." Well, that's an overt standard, anyway.

"Why don't you wear a button?" ("Hard of Hearing...") - asked by a wise and well-meaning counselor at my (alcohol) recovery program. Well, why don't I? I probably will, at some point. Resistance? I hate reminding myself of my limitations, let alone reminding other people when my limitations don't even apply - again, the button is a shotgun where a scalpel is the preferred instrument. I just can't figure out where to find the scalpel. Or the scalpel is simply me saying "please... I'm hard of hearing... slow down." But I won't always say it - (got assertiveness?) - so the button is the thing.

So the whole thing, as always, boils down to my attitude. To the extent that I'm willing to assert the truth of who I am without shame or fear to the people who matter (that's everybody I meet or interact with), I will be effectively moving forward in a life worth living. Same as everyone else. Same as you.

With gratitude.

The Dog Disaster

2009-11-28T17:08:00.000-08:00

"You could just put them outside or in their kennels, but if you leave them in, be sure to close all the doors inside the house."

Dog sitting for only about half the day, these were the instructions given me by my sister regarding her two (very pampered) dogs under my care; Arti, a medium-big brown shepherd/lab/something mix, and Diego, a medium-tiny black chihuahua (see suspects photos below).

So off I went to a meeting, only to be gone for a couple hours, but remembering my instructions, I dutifully closed all inner doors, leaving the pups in their usual spot - the main living area - even checking for obvious dog-attractors (Diego has a known chewing addiction).

On return (great meeting), well, I'll let the photo tell the rest of the story:

Here are the suspects mug shots:

The Likely Culprit

The Silent Witness/Accomplice

Estimate of Items Destroyed/Eaten:

1 Box Kleenex Tissue
1 Roll Scotch Tape
1 Containment Box (holiday light strings - cardboard, fortunately, is a favorite)
1 Containment Bag (small wood kindling)

Other Notable Items (disarray):

1 Table Lamp (overturned)
1 Compact Fluorescent Bulb (not associated with previous - apparently undamaged)

All told, some rollicking good fun was had in my absence (I'm envious). Punishment (of pets) at that time being pointless, I simply took pictures, and cleaned up the mess (the house had been cleaned thoroughly only two days before).

I knew there's a reason I have a blog.

Got any of your own home pet disaster stories? Feel free to comment.

Moon Watcher Chronicles - The Old and the New

2009-11-28T02:04:00.000-08:00

Happily resigning myself to my chronomical fate, 12:40 a.m., I'm not still up, I'm 5 hours rested, and ready to write. The striking thing about this is the powerlessness of the (still present) voices of the committee - the ones that test and judge my every thought to see if it meets the stringent criteria of anxious conformance to a long dead standard of perfection. Chronomical probably isn't a word - see?

Their powerlessness is in direct contrast with the serene voice of that power I've connected with in my recovery - reference your God (the one that gives you serenity); you understand in principle if not particular.

The strangest place to find fear today is in the melding of my old patterns of thinking, feeling, relating, with the new ones. First, that somewhere in the echos of those old patterns lies a trap set by my enemy - the dark hole I fell into before (that hole - the trap; my enemy - me and the committee).

But there's joyous adventure in rediscovering my path around the fears - turns out the committee has a benign role in reminding me to pay attention where I walk; when adjudicated by my Higher Power, with calm acceptance of the good parts of the path - where friendship and love reside - the sharp, observant voices become a gift to share. I'm guessing that the the actual sentence above is before and after the two hyphens (but it's only a guess).

Since I can haz my own blog (I love lol cats), I can start posts with mind-numbing monologue like that above and get away with it (here).

I ran across an old friend (the friendship, not the person) on YM yesterday, and though I only had a few minutes, I was happy re-connecting after about a year. My old friends (the sober ones) are the jewels I'm finding in my adventure today - even as I'm making new friends in my recovery. And who knew, I have a past in recovery too - I ran into another old (this time the person qualifies, somewhat) friend yesterday as well. This person had known me in the earliest part of my nearly 12 months of sobriety, back in December/January - before I went into the Salvation Army ARC. Nice to reconnect all around.

My first few days out are a mix of reconnecting, connecting, staying connected, and doing job/housing search. I'm also beginning to put together the curriculum for a beginning computer class I've volunteered to teach at the SA-ARC. Part of giving back in gratitude. This weekend I'm keeping a new pattern, with lots of meetings planned - some back in Oakland (a reasonable transit ride from Richmond). All of this represents a momentum I don't want to lose in my recovery, and so far, so good.

Happy Black Friday! (USA)

2009-11-27T10:24:00.000-08:00

Greetings Shoppers! This is the annual day of your greatest influence on American society! While on other days you may be maligned, misunderstood, (taken to the cleaners), and called all manner of ugly names like "capitalist pawn", today (and only today) you are revered and worshiped by the mightiest leaders of American (and international!) business and finance. You are king/queen(/other) for the day! You alone (well, alone en masse) impact the profitability (for the whole year!) of businesses from the largest to the smallest. Even your tiniest contribution to this great commercial enterprise counts, so please do your part - for the good of merchandising everywhere!

Unfortunately, I, as your faithful cheerleader, can only stand on the sidelines today, and watch you perform your magic with pride and longing in my heart. If only I could stand with you, my heroes, on the sales floor, bustling and bargaining with plastic and paper - nay, even with bits and bytes, would I attack and slay the dragons of overpricing with online shopping! But alas, I have neither plastic, nor paper today, and all of my bits and bytes have leaked out of the holes I shamefully ignored for so long in my (now defunct) bank accounts and credit rating.

-----------------------------------------------------------

No, but really - it's quite the interesting perspective, to actually be unable to participate in America's favorite shopping day; given that I've always had a "philosophical" resistance to doing so (as evidenced in sarcasm above). I'd be hypocritical if I gloated from some "moral" hilltop, when I know perfectly well I'd be in the fray myself if I could - and I'm out of the fray by my own hand. What I recognize today is that - good or bad - I am, and have always been, a part of the process, and have reaped all of the benefits thereof. That (commercial/industrial/financial) process is one reason I can sit here online in comfort and rail against its excesses.

So once again, the watchword for today is gratitude. Appreciating the good things that life (even the rampant commercialism embedded in our holidays) brings me - my connections with other people, and with God, who calls me to accept, with serenity, the way life is, rather than how I would make it. Realizing that a world designed by Paul, though that control would please him for a bit, would most likely be a nightmare beyond all reckoning (for example, my self-designed alcoholic nightmare). And that this "two-sided" blog post represents a personal paradigm shift for my built-in cynicism; turns out my cynicism (a character defect when used unwisely) can be a valuable thing when I turn it over with humility. Who'da thunk?

So shop if you will (and can), but do it with love and wisdom - I think that might just work.

Speaking of charities - Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T07:14:00.000-08:00

This is a response to a post on a favorite list of mine, that after I wrote it, really feel it belongs on my blog, because it speaks to the wider community of readers (I like to believe I have). The referenced story link (and thanks to the poster for this) is:

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/24/homeless-organization-called-fraud/?8au&emc=au

To all who celebrate it (and hey, to all that don't as well - it's a day, isn't it?) Happy Thanksgiving!

The subject of giving (or not) to the homeless (be it random or organized) is certainly near to me these days, as I'm TECHNICALLY homeless today, and lived in a homeless shelter for a couple weeks in January of this year (today I'm thankful to celebrate Thanksgiving while living temporarily in the home of my dear sister).

You might not believe this, but my adamant urging to anyone is do not give money to beggars or allegedly homeless people on the street! Regardless of the truth or falsehood of their status, you are not helping them (please don't buy their newspapers either).

You can absolutely give money, time, or anything else to the well known reputable organized charities that continuously (not just at holiday times) provide all manner of services to the homeless and indigent in your community (if it's of any notable size). The Salvation Army (dear to my heart now, of course) is an obvious example, and there are many, many others.

I write this from experience - having lived in a shelter myself and spoken with many people who've done the homeless gig (some for a very long time) for all manner of different reasons - some that would meet with "social approval" and some that would certainly not - all in the "same boat" together.

The reason you are not helping the homeless by giving money to them directly is because you are unintentionally supporting the indigent lifestyle - and no, it doesn't always involve substance abuse, but it does involve what I struggle to describe as the "attitude of indigence." Everyone's got their own story, complex or simple, and I've had mine too. When, for whatever reason, you don't have a place to stay/sleep/eat, etc., you go wherever you can and do whatever (and I mean whatever) you need to do to survive another day - and things like conscience, healthy shame, self-respect, all that stuff that knits our society together become secondary priorities, if even that. For myself, I actually turned down one offer by a new friend in the shelter to learn to "hustle" by joining them in front of a store, but I have to say it was it was tempting at that time.

And as for the organized evil described by the linked story, that's life on life's terms - the sharks are everywhere, and not just on the street, BTW (look at what's come to light recently in the name of the Deaf and HOH communities - nothing new under the sun).

This is NOT a cynical rant - I am utterly unable to express my gratitude for the people and organizations who have assisted me (and continue to do so) as I've struggled up from the pit of my self-made despair. And my hope for my future resides entirely in my giving back- time, service, skills, money, you name it - to my community. That is the real Thanksgiving, and it's not a holiday, it's every moment of every day.

Be blessed, all.

Remembering Freedom

2009-11-25T02:43:00.000-08:00

One o'clock in the morning, and I'm (more or less) wide awake.

Not a gripe, honestly, just a fact, and a flood of remembering/realizations.

This is called Freedom.

Two days ago, I was physically released from a (mental) prison. The Salvation Army ARC is not a prison - the door is always open (for exit), as they say. Addiction (alcoholism, etc.), and its consequences, are a prison, with chains and bars as strong as any physical cell.

Today, I am free to sit in a soft chair at 1 am, in a quiet, dark room, a computer on my lap; attempting to capture with words the gratitude I'm feeling for the seemingly smallest freedom (really, the most profound freedom there is). One of the 9th step promises (typically read to close AA meetings) says "That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear." It's really true. It really does disappear, replaced by a calm (serenity) realization that nothing is wrong or out of order in my life today - though "rational" judgment (old thinking pattern) would scream otherwise.

I'm reminded of a person I love who's clearly having a bad time of things, and can't help (and I understand the feeling) being bitter (and complaining). I really do understand, and there's something I really want to tell that person (who knows? perhaps it's you!) from where I'm sitting - outside the prison.

That thing is this: To get out of that prison, nothing has to change except your mind.

There aren't any words that describe adequately what serenity (gratitude - flip the coin) feels like. I notice people on the street (strangers) wanting to talk to me - we're all attracted by serenity (amid the gaggle of less productive attractions, admittedly).

I want to drive home that message (the one-liner above) with rational comparison (you do the math):

- hard of hearing
- sometimes (rarely, really) dizzy enough to barf
- unemployed
- homeless (technically - I love that word, spoken from the comfort of this rocker)
- 50 (by that I mean not 25 - the physical annoyances)
- alcoholic (an incurable, fatal illness)

Serene, grateful.

- I really appreciate what it means to listen
- with rare exceptions, I walk absolutely anywhere I need to be (and hardly ever barf)
- I have the opportunity to choose and do my real work thoughtfully
- I am home wherever I am (right here, right now)
- I know and understand so many (helpful) things today that I couldn't possibly understand at 25
- I have a daily reprieve based on the maintenance of my spiritual condition (12 steps) - and I have serenity

The first list is appearance - outside.
The second list is reality - inside.

The cynic (old me) will say I don't know their pain. You're right, I don't. I only know mine. Pain is fear distilled to its hopeless essence. Being drunk on pain is the loneliest place in the world. But no amount of pity (self or otherwise) can cure it - nor can cynicism (I tried that for most of my life).

What cures it is conscious contact with God (whatever that means to you) - something that replaces fear with serenity. That serenity isn't situational or circumstantial. It isn't found by thinking (and definitely not found by thinking with a broken alcoholic brain). Situations and circumstances are adventures now. Pain is still annoying, but that's life on life's terms. When I appreciate that, I can appreciate you. And appreciation (gratitude) is the opposite of loneliness.

I'm Paul, and I'm going back to bed. :)

Life Approaches...

2009-11-19T22:03:00.001-08:00

A Thursday evening here at "Sally" (Salvation Army Oakland ARC), and I have no (in-house) program activities scheduled (a busy night for most beneficiaries) - I'll likely catch an outside meeting later.

Today, I'd say I've officially begun the "wrap up" process before my final exit this coming Monday, the 23rd.

I started my day with a trip to the EDD (since I couldn't raise them on the phone) to try getting my unemployment insurance situation on track - successfully; it'll be a while before I see anything from it, but a coming phone interview will likely qualify me for payments within about 30 days - if I'm not actually working by then.

I'm still in active job & housing search, of course (and thanks to family, I don't expect to land on the street), but will be surprised if I see any serious movement on either before my exit from here on Monday. I spoke with Larry today on details of my exit plan - several documentation items I need for EDD, SS/GA, DOR, and various loose ends to tie up here. Nothing monumental, and it sounds like it will go smoothly.

I've been noting a number of "lasts" as they go by. I attended my last (required) Bible Study - Tuesday, and Wed Chapel service (there's one more Sunday service). I'll do my last "work therapy" stint tomorrow (Friday) afternoon (I'm taking the morning on pass, but want to be there for the closing buzzer in the afternoon) - and will receive my last "gratuity" allowance after work (I'll likely have some extra "canteen cards" to give away Sunday night - or keep for alumni visits).

My feelings right now are a combination of relief, excitement, and sadness (again, very little worry - an amazing gift of recovery). A fact I've learned (and accepted) about myself is that I'm one of those people who feel "leavings" pretty deeply - whether it's me or someone else doing the leaving - and it doesn't seem to matter much about "pros vs. cons" of same. No drama here, just a real feeling that I get to actually experience sober - and I'm grateful for that. Of course, I'm not breaking contact with this place or these people; I'll be back (when possible) as an alumnus (volunteer/participant), and I'll be leaving my contact info posted for both staff & beneficiaries who care to follow my exploits.

What better time to turn to poetry - something I penned on 10/20/2009, no doubt in response to my graduation one day hence (and yes, I forget the triggers behind many of my poetic endeavors)...

----------------------------------

Leaving Again

Tell me of tomorrow
Before I leave today
Tell me you remember well
A place we cannot stay

I could grieve the embers
The fire that stole my home
Home is but another place
Where embers die alone

The longer that I tarry
The more bereft it seems
Those travelers with smiling eyes
Sail by as in a dream

Now it's I who have to go
A space where once I stood
A silent voice, an empty chair
A hopeful thought for good

But we'll be there together
And time will gently ease
The sorrows of our parting
With memories like these

----------------------------------

Life approaches, and I await my next adventure with serenity and enthusiasm.

Current State of Affairs

2009-11-17T07:37:00.000-08:00

Monday, 11/16/2009

Per Larry/Priscilla (Reentry Coordinator/Director of Rehabilitation Services) I have permission to stay here at Salvation Army (SA) through the weekend of Nov 21,22. I am quite sure I must leave after that.

I have applied for General Assistance (GA, aka Welfare) a the Department of Social Services (SS). I saw an eligibility counselor today and qualified for the Welfare to Work program. They still need three documents from me (financial evidence), two of which I have as of today, one I'm still working on getting (below).

I spoke today to a man who is opening a transitional home in Oakland that sounds just perfect for me - however I don't qualify right now because I don't have a job; he says GA doesn't pay enough. The rent is only $450/mo with a $150 deposit for the smallest room he has - but they're single bed rooms, which is certainly appealing. I told him I'd check back with him when I do find employment (or get unemployment - again, below).

I tried to get a hold of EDD by phone today to find out how to handle the situation; I applied for unemployment back in November 2008, when I lost my job. I did qualify, but didn't collect any checks. The SS/GA folks think I can probably still get it, but may have to re-file. I lack a lot of information I need (my end) to do so. Their phone lines are nuts - due to some benefits extension legislation, they're flooded with calls, and only open the phones from 5 p.m. to 6 p.m. on weekdays. I tried calling for that whole hour today, and never got through. I'll be looking at alternatives (buried somewhere, I hope) on their web page. I also need evidence of application for the SS/GA folks (see above).

I got a very promising lead on a job in downtown San Francisco via e-mail today. I called immediately, and spoke to the tech recruiter. He seemed very convinced I'm a "good fit" (I agree), and he's passing my resume along.

Monday, November 23rd will be a very busy day for me. I have another GA/FSET (food stamps) information meeting (mandatory for GA participation) down at Social Services. My DOR (Department of Rehab - disability) contact has also e-mailed me requesting I call her on the 23rd to set up a meeting (she's out of office this week). This, of course, also happens to be the day I leave the SA.

I'm still applying for every posting/lead I get (from anywhere, anyone) that seems even near reasonable - and a few that are far fetched. Lots of hopeful signs - the movement today was good - but no interviews scheduled as yet.

I'm in a pretty serene place overall - thanks to the program & fellowship of AA and SA.

I did have a couple spiritual victories today, in addition to the good job lead. The first was an opportunity to share a testimony about the SA program with my very friendly eligibility counselor at SS. I told her of my situation, my alcoholism, my recovery, and my gratitude to SA. She said she'd heard it was a good program, though difficult, and I confirmed both. My second small victory was when I stopped at Wells Fargo Bank to get evidence of account closure or zero balance (I knew not which) for my (our) old account with them - unused and empty for almost a year. I found myself easily able to share information about my alcoholism and recovery program with the account representative (an honest explanation of the reason for account inactivity). Though the rep seemed to know little about the disease (she flashed on the passing of my wife - joint account, I had to tell - as a possible factor in my alcoholism - NOT - but I didn't press), she cheerfully got me what I needed, and it didn't cost a dime (which surprised me). She also swallowed without a burp the information I freely offered that I owe them one HOAL of money (though I couldn't say exactly). Dang, there might be something to this honesty stuff after all. It's still a huge future 9th step, but it's a lot less scary now.

As always, my watchwords, and prayers, are patience and perseverance. I'm really seeing the benefits of recovery ala the AA program, as I slog through the process of finding job and home, and though aware of the future, and planning as best I can, "worrying" these days only about doing the right things I can do today, and leaving the worries of tomorrow where they belong instead of inviting them over the time barrier for a visit. Not that I always get it perfect, but I do get it.

How Telling Your Product From Far Eastern

2009-11-10T08:06:00.000-08:00

Thank you for proudly puchase of RocketTech(tm) 600 Can Opener/Knife Sharpener.
Product design many years happy usage.

Operation Instruction
---------------------

Warning!!! Important Safety Instruction!

Mis-use of product not labeled death or serious injury.
Never frayed or broken power cord use.
Keep fingers from sharp edges.
Young children not use please - important supervise children.

Quick Instruction
-----------------

Choose can or knife sharpen function switch (top of unit).

Can

Press handle firmly down.Important: Hold down until cycle complete. Other hand catch can prevent spillage.

Careful lid - sharp edge!

Knife

No serrated!
Never children sharpen unsuperv.
Pull knife toward you - don't push.
3 or 4 times.
Only clean washed knive please.

Detail Instruction
------------------

Warranty Service
----------------

30 days - Return place of purchase along with receipt. Not responsible for mis-use.

Finding Gratitude

2009-11-08T17:12:00.000-08:00

Here it is, a Sunday afternoon off at the Salvation Army ARC. Little to do but meditate and write - both good things for the soul - at least for awhile. I've always had some difficulty with unstructured time (a favorite pastime, of course, being to drink). Funny thing, boredom - a wise person once told me that there's no such thing as "being bored" - only "being boring" - I cannot but agree).

I used to equate boredom with loneliness, and though they are certainly close bedfellows, I now know they're not the same - for my "boredom" today is merely circumstantial (and actually, rather appreciated, in a weary introvert sort of way). My life these days is (for the most part) filled with such structure, and ever-increasing "busy-ness" (including much valued socializing), that I could hardly categorize myself as lonely - my connections to numerous other people being quite strong, secure, safe, pleasant; all those loneliness banishing qualities felt even as I write this. This, a gift of my recovery, engenders a deep sense of gratitude for the people in my life, and for the removal of the social fears that my working those 12 steps has brought me so far.

I sit today in what I can only characterize as a strange "phase" of my ongoing life-transformation. I know, with a certainty that pervades my being, that I'm poised to dive into a quality of living (or will I just slowly glide into same?) that is profoundly better than anything I've experienced before. It's not that I expect to have money, a home, or any of my materialistic desires (I'm normal in that sense); rather, I expect my recent discovery of me - the person I am when I'm in "fit spiritual condition" - to increase in depth (so long as I continue my investment in my recovery), bringing me serenity in any circumstance. The promises of recovery occur on the inside - that the "outside promises" (material) should happen also as a result isn't surprising, but neither are they a given. They turn out to be somewhat irrelevant next to the internally felt gifts I've already received.

Case in point; I'm currently enmeshed in a job search which is definitely going slower than I'd like - both in terms of my ability to engage it (somewhat held back by my continued presence here at the SA-ARC), and the tenuous results of said engagement. Remarkably (for me, compared to my "old" thinking style and feelings), my only worries about my situation come in the form of being slightly annoyed with so many people asking me repeatedly "how's the job search going?" I usually tell them something to the effect that "It's going... the same... slow..." and that I'm not worried about the 'when' and 'what' of it. And that's true - because I'm really not - and that's as amazing to me as it might be to anyone.

And no, I haven't missed the point that my annoyance with the question, slight though it may be, is reflective of my own unfinished state of recovery - I know that everyone who asks me that question is well-meaning, and in reality, I wouldn't have them stop asking for the world, for it reflects their concern, identification, and compassion for me as a recovering alcoholic searching for employment. So my annoyance, like my trouble with alcohol, is of my own making. The cure for it is the same: the spiritual solution I've been given through my recovery program.

So my focus now is on gratitude for that program, and for all the people in my life who are encouraging me, supporting me and my recovery, and even working, in some cases, behind the scenes (think of L in my previous post) to help me in this process. Gratitude is something that, as an alcoholic, with a self-centered, egotistical ("...maladjusted to life, ...full flight from reality, ...outright mental defectives.") alcoholic brain, I must practice every day if I am to stay in fit spiritual condition and maintain my recovery. My natural reaction to life (and people) is the cynical one - where there's something wrong with you and your motives. That reaction is soundly grounded in fear. And fear is the opposite of faith - and is one of the character defects I've asked the God of my understanding to remove.

And the God of my understanding definitely wants me to concentrate on my gratitude today - he's got a good sense of humor - in both of the speaker meetings I attended yesterday, the speakers chose "gratitude" as the topic for discussion. And it was yesterday I realized that gratitude is indeed something I have to practice - it's a new style of thinking for this alcoholic, and since we've already established above that it isn't natural for me, I have to approach it as a structured mental activity, to be practice daily if I want it to stick (and I do, because I know it's a cornerstone of my continued recovery). Prayer and meditation are good for this, and so are lots of meetings - being regularly reminded of just how bad my condition was, and how much worse it could easily be (because it's so easy for my broken alcoholic brain to forget those things) is a key part of my gratitude: that I don't have to drink today.

If you, the reader, feel like commenting, please share what you're grateful for today - whether you're in recovery, or just plain grateful. I'm grateful in advance for your thoughts.

Paul S

And On It Goes...

2009-11-06T13:58:00.000-08:00

This past Tuesday, I had my long-awaited appointment with a counselor at the California Department of Rehabilitation (DOR). My purpose was to get advice on how to handle my dual disability (Meniere's) - sporadic vertigo and hard of hearing (HOH).

I'm happy to report a good experience with a very professional and knowledgeable counselor (L). L was very thorough in conducting our interview, and asking all the right questions about my disabilities - and also in figuring out which boxes to check on the standardized forms to shoehorn me into a good fit for the DOR services. To my slight surprise, she also categorized my alcoholism as a disability - honoring the "disease" model of alcoholism, which I hadn't really expected from a public agency. That being said, I still don't personally press that point in my own view of my limitations and needed accommodations - since my ongoing experiences of the promises from working the 12 steps of AA seem more like an empowerment to me than any sort of disability.

At the end of our interview, L informed me that I very likely qualify to receive DOR services, which could include things like transit passes, and certainly assistance in placement with an employer who will accommodate me - though, of course, my application is still being processed. To my question "How should I address my disabilities to prospective employers?", L gave a clear and firm answer - "YOU DON'T! - you'll just get yourself written off before you can even apply." Better, she told me, to apply and interview on my professional merits only, and deal with disability issues as they crop up once I'm hired.

One thing L did do for me that flies slightly in the face of that advice was to hook me up with a web-based staffing agency for the disabled called AbiliCorp. L even went so far as to e-mail me a job-posting list for my area of experience she'd recently gotten from them. I was then able to log into the AbiliCorp site, post my resume, and apply for several positions in the San Francisco Bay Area (where I am at present). As an addendum, today I visited the office of the Employment Development Department, who, among other services, are providing me with a message phone number (written message posted on the EDD bulletin board) to use on my resume/application. After only two days, I saw today a message posted for me from an AbiliCorp representative who'd found and spoken with a prospective employer who was impressed by my resume. Though I haven't got an interview yet, the representative says he's pressing for that - all good news.

In addition to that, I still have many other "irons in the fire" - and am consistently submitting applications as I almost daily receive relevant job listings through Monster and elsewhere. I'm still living (post graduate extension) at the Salvation Army ARC - my last day here will be Nov 17th. Though my housing situation after that is still uncertain, I've got leads I'm working there also.

As always, my thanks to all of you who have sent words of encouragement and good advice.

Paul S

PS: I now have a blog strictly dedicated to my resume and job search: Paul L Schneider - feel free to visit, and pass it along!

Life, The Universe, and Everything

2009-10-30T12:42:00.000-07:00

Greetings All,

High time I updated you on what's going on with me, so here's the latest.

On October 21st, I graduated from Phase II of the Salvation Army Oakland Adult Rehabilitation Program (I now have a "prestigious plaque" stating same). I am, however, still a resident/beneficiary for a few weeks (at my own request) while I conduct my job and housing search. Said job search is going moderately well, given that as a resident, I'm still required to participate in program activities here, including "work therapy". Today I'm on a pass, and waiting (as I write) for things here in downtown Oakland to open up so I can continue my search.

I also have an appointment next week (finally) with a counselor at the California Department of Rehabilitation to discuss ways/options to manage my search and ultimately employment on the bases of my dual (but related) disabilities (HOH and Vertigo - Meniere's). I've already encountered in my job search some rather nonsensical (unrelated to job descriptions) requirements for "valid CA driver's license and a vehicle" (I have neither, nor do I intend to drive again). I'll be pressing my counselor for how to handle such situations when I'm obviously otherwise qualified.

While I haven't had any interviews yet, I've got several irons in the fire (applications in, and contacts made, followed up) that look very promising - but I'm not resting on these; continuing to flood the market with "me" as best I can. Meanwhile, of course, being on Monster.com and other job search engines with my resume, I'm getting plenty of "noise" from the aggressive insurance sales industry, etc. - I have neither the interest nor the qualifications to be an insurance agent, but having "reviewed" my resume (sure, ha ha), I'm a "perfect candidate" for same. I also got an interesting e-mail from a "company" whose "esteem client" is seeking (and this is the entirety of the "job description") a data analyst (I do possess such label on my resume). Being ever the diligent job seeker, I replied with minimal information myself. I suspect an information gathering scam (they wanted reference contact information before even providing a detailed job description, let alone offering an application). The sharks are out there, circling for easy prey (the hungry fish).

What follows, for posterity's sake, is an edited version of my "testimony" speech that I delivered at my graduation on October 21st, 2009. I've omitted a fairly large section of personal thanks to people most of you wouldn't know. The remainder of my testimony expresses pretty well how I feel about a program and a process that has very literally saved my life...

Testimony
Paul Schneider
October 21, 2009

My name is Paul, and I'm an alcoholic of the hopeless variety.

I categorize myself that way, because hard experience has shown me that I am incapable of managing my life on my own self-will and thinking. My attempts to do that are what brought me to the Salvation Army - with no home, no job, a failed marriage, and no power to recover any of these. I was broken and desperate, and I had little will to live. I could see no hope for my future. When I came to this program, I was just over 30 days from my last drink, and I was very sure that my abstinence couldn't possibly survive another 30 - since I was constantly obsessed with the idea of drinking, and had nearly succumbed several times. Alcohol was my master. I was hopeless against its fury.

I am not going to tell you that this program is easy, because it definitely wasn't easy for me, especially in the first few months. I struggled painfully with the structure and rules of the program, many of which I could make no sense of. Many of my run-ins with those rules, and the consequences I faced from them, brought me frustration, and thoughts of leaving to escape what I saw as unjust punishments. But amid that struggle, there was one thing I couldn't escape, and that was the hopeless state I was in when I came to the program. As frustrated as I was, I knew that I was unqualified to judge anything or anyone - because without help, I was lost to my addiction, and would certainly only face the three well known options every alcoholic/addict ultimately faces - jails, institutions, and death.

I thank God for one feature of this program that, when I embraced it fully, began to effect a change in me that over the long term has replaced my hopelessness with a real hope, and a real serenity. That feature is the emphasis this program places on the 12 steps of AA and NA. I was no stranger to Alcoholics Anonymous, having attended many meetings in the years prior to my arrival here. What I hadn't done, though, was work those 12 steps in earnest. I had never had a sponsor, nor had I ever even tried to work any of the steps beyond step 3 - and today I know that I really hadn't worked even the first three steps honestly. What little wise mind I had left decided that I would throw myself full-force into the 12 steps while I was living in this sanctuary where I was both required and encouraged to do so.

One of the biggest spiritual changes that happened for me was when I actually took steps 4 and 5 with my sponsor. I was able to make a thorough and honest 4th step inventory, and shared the details with my sponsor in my 5th step. My spiritual experience didn't happen all at once, but I gradually began learning - down in my bones - acceptance; the acceptance of life on life's terms. That spiritual gift, which I didn't earn, but which was given to me through this process, has made a huge difference in my level of frustration with the program and changes that I've gone through since. I still ran up against rules and structure sometimes, but I now had a powerful connection with the God of my understanding, and a willingness to turn my frustrations at the things I can't control over to Him.

Having done so now, time and time again, it becomes easier every time, and I now have a new voice in my head to challenge the twisted thinking that sometimes still crops up - it's a quiet voice of peace and serenity which simply tells me to relax and let go of outcomes - I need only do the next right thing, and let God handle all the outcomes. I recently had a powerful test of this new serenity when I did a 9th step amends with my former employer and some co-workers at the work site. I still stand amazed at the serenity I carried into and throughout that process - knowing that it was the right thing to do, and no matter what the outcome, I could have peace with it, because the outcome wasn't mine to control.

To you, my brothers in this program, I can only state honestly, that this serenity I've experienced is far better and more powerful than any feeling I've chased in my alcoholic addiction. This serenity lasts, never produces a hangover, and spurs me forward to greater health; physical, emotional, and spiritual. Get this serenity yourselves, by working this program - as I have - as though your life depends on it. You'll be rewarded with amazing changes from the inside out.

It occurs to me as I write this testimony, that it is pitifully easy for this alcoholic to take for granted the real compassion that I've received from all of my friends, family, staff, and others in the fellowship of the AA program.
I have so many people to thank for this process that has brought me a new hope. If I omit anyone, please know that it's because of the frailty of my broken alcoholic brain - and that I daily stand in awe of the true friends that God has placed in my life.

My first thanks, of course, is to that God of my understanding, who, though he may not look exactly like anyone else's, is a God of love and forgiveness. I thank him for leading me into the safety and sanctuary of this Salvation Army ARC - and for the staff here who clearly have a deep concern for the physical, emotional, and spiritual well being of all of the beneficiaries.

...

To my Phase I brothers, thank you for the friendship and the laughter you've shared with me every day. I stand before you today as an example of what you can do if you stick and stay, one more day. This recovery program really works, and the daily struggles are worth the effort - expect to be changed from the inside out.

To my Phase II brothers, thank you also for your friendship and encouragement. Remember that your Phase I brothers are watching you for signs of hope. Your leadership can demonstrate to them that change really is possible if we work for it.

I want to close with something very familiar to most of you, but I want you in this moment to understand that it's not just a bunch of words we read at meetings. I testify here and now that this is actually happening for me, even as I speak.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.*

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.*

I'm Paul, and I'm an alcoholic.

* Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th ed., pp. 83, 84

Rescue and Recovery

2009-08-29T16:24:00.000-07:00

With the slow, groaning thunder of splintering wood and shearing metal, the ship struck ground on the rocks. With a final shudder, it listed about 45 degrees and came to rest. The crew that hadn't fallen into the sea jumped in, lest the heavy weight of the broken hull give way and swallow them or crush them.

The miracle to be known later was that no hands were lost - though many were battered and bruised. And if it were not apparent then, it would become known that a crew who'd weathered such a storm - and ultimate wreck - together, would remain a crew in spirit forever.

And so it was that a new ship would sail, with a crew seasoned by water and fire - ready to take on whatever new adventures beckoned on the horizon. The open seas would know the steadfast hope of sailors undaunted by calamity.

The voyage begins again...

To all my friends and colleagues, and especially to those of you who loved me when I could not love myself.

It is with humility, love, and joy that I make my first post to this blog since January of 2009 (somewhat amazed that it's still here (blog) and that I've been able to recall/regain my access to it).

I want to thank all of you who have been regular readers here, as well as the friends and colleagues who have helped me, for your patience and kindness, both before and during my long absence while I've been gaining recovery from my alcoholism.

I owe many of you significant amends - not least for my vanishing from and dismissal of your care and concern. This post can hardly be sufficient to the making of such amends. Within the next few months, I'm hopeful that I can talk with many of you (those who wish) more directly. I am doing very well in my my recovery program, and have great hope for a bright future in sobriety. This post is meant to re-open contact with those of you who wish to be in touch.

I am, at this writing, a beneficiary of The Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center (ARC) in Oakland, California. I have been in this residential treatment program for just over 7 months (entered on 1/16/09) - a graduate of their 6-month recovery program (7/19/09), now one month into their optional "Phase II" Life-Skills/Reentry program (90 days). I am writing this from my sister's home - I am on a 48 hour pass from the program for a visit to same.

I will not likely have the opportunity to post here again for at least several weeks. As a beneficiary, I am quite limited in terms of communication (a good program design, really - allowing focus on recovery) - though I do now have limited access to e-mail at:

pschneiderarc@live.com

Readers who wish to are welcome to contact me there.

I have missed all of you very much. One of my personal projects (as I have/had time) has been writing about the process I've gone through in my addiction and recovery at the ARC. My long-range goal is to compile this into a book. As I'm able, I'll post some of that material here as well. Eventually, this blog will take on a new look and "feel" - as it reflects the the history of my recovery, and the positive changes that have taken place in me.

Yours in gratitude,
Paul S
(AKA: LifeWrecked - in recovery)