Something to Protect

This morning I was offered an opportunity to become a mugging victim - an opportunity I politely declined, by running away. I'd been doing the same thing I've been doing at least once a week for many months (well over a year); power-walking in downtown Oakland at about 6:15 a.m. on a Saturday, to catch the 6:30 a.m. meeting that is, for all practical and spiritual purposes, my home group. The would-be mugger, a young black man, approached me from ahead, and at first I thought he might be one of my many recovery acquaintances, so my my guard was down when he surprised me by asking me to drop my wallet. He indicated he had a weapon in his coat pocket, but never showed it to me, and quite frankly, he didn't look like someone who could do me much harm without putting his own well-being in serious jeopardy. I mention all of this in "secondary elaboration" as none of it was going through my (conscious) mind at the time. I can only honestly say that I saw myself in an untenable situation, and responded to my first instinct - flee. He didn't follow (far, anyway - I didn't look back, and didn't run more than 50 yards or so). I actually gave him some parting words: "Nope." and "See ya later!"

I made my 6:30 meeting and felt (as I always do, maybe a little deeper today) warm, loved, and protected. I realize quite profoundly that I was being watched over by a loving higher power from the moment I got off the bus (OK, really, non-stop, and still). I realize that a lot of people might consider what I did "stupid" (I do - had he a gun, I could have a bullet in my back now). A million times before this occurred (my first ever "mugging") I would have predicted (and still, even now, fantasize) radically different behavior on my part. Letting him have my wallet would have been a statistically safer behavior. I'm unsure why I didn't. I like to believe I don't care much about money these days (and those who are closest to me know I'm not very much deluded on that one). I didn't have enough money on me to cry over ever, and I don't carry credit or ATM cards in my paper wallet (yes, you read that right - paper wallet - worthless!) He'd have gotten my transit pass (about $50) and my Starbucks card (about $30) - so he could have had a ride and a cup of coffee before I eventually got home (plenty enough people love me) and canceled them.

But - and it's the reason I'm writing this - I clearly had (have?) Something to Protect.

Since it's not about money, and it certainly isn't about my silly paper wallet (I get about a month out of them when I use the good 100% cotton paper - I love them because I can write on my wallet, see?), it's tricky for me to ferret out (with my broken alcoholic brain, anyway) what drove my choice. Things like ego, pride, self-centeredness, shame (avoidance?) - all of these and more of my known character defects are strong candidates. I'm already beginning to come around to forgiving the poor (probably) tweaker "left over" (as a friend put it) from Friday night's usual downtown Oakland "party". And yes, Virginia, though unharmed, I can have the loveliest vengeful fantasies (aka resentment) - for the mere act of attempting to get my stuff. What the hell is so important about my stuff???

I'm reminded of the first significant earthquake I experienced. I was about 22ish, in a college class, when the whole place started rocking & rolling (pretty gently, really - not much damage anywhere). Different people are affected by these things differently, I'm sure. How I was affected was by a sudden and profoundly unpleasant realization that something I had utterly taken for granted as being stable and reliable all my life (aka the ground under my feet) was actually a fluid which could mindlessly and without malice destroy everything that mattered to me - including my life, and the lives of others. That same realization is buried somewhere in my fascination with tornadoes and other wild weather and geological events. And no, this (failed mugging) isn't precisely the same (no harm, no foul), but the feeling (though not as profound) is the same one. Dare I say it? It's the feeling of profound powerlessness.

You see, though if I had a picture of my would-be mugger, I'd get myself a stamp with the words "EPIC FAIL" and publish it here (and maybe on DIGG), I know that's just false bravado in the face of my helplessness to control what other people will do to me, themselves, or each other. I put myself at risk every day, wherever I go, to a million ways of getting clobbered. Back when I was actively being a gutter drunk (still - just not active today), I really would never have asked myself these questions. I didn't care. I didn't care about myself at all. How could I? How could I care about you? Between then and now, something very strange has happened. I have to check this for ego at every turn, but I think the God Of My Understanding actually doesn't want me to surrender to fear, nor to abide fools, no matter how risky that may seem (note that "not abiding fools" doesn't mean harming them - avoiding them (e.g. running away) can be effective.

And I still don't know why I ran. I still don't know if I'd do the same again. I do know I'm going to my meeting tomorrow (Sunday) like I always do. REAL: I'll be paying more attention to how/where I walk and who I allow to approach unchallenged (or avoided). That sucks. Life on life's terms - life on the street. I'm blessed coming and going (no matter what transpires) IF I follow the lead of my Higher Power and make it about him (her, it, them, whatever) and YOU - but not ME. My deal with my HP (I made it in Step 3) - I do your will, you take care of me and all outcomes - it's still working; best deal I ever made.

Service, Serenity, and Purpose

Again and again I find the ever deepening lesson of serenity in service. When my sober feet do their thing (e.g. get me to that meeting), and my increasingly sane voice issues the word "yes" in response to a service request (regardless of the service requested, my own will to do it, etc.), I get the unfathomable (because I can't fully understand it) gift of serenity, and additional gifts in terms of the people I get to share the former with.

I've just about given up the urge to figure out the how and why of it - I only know the more I apply the principle of rigorous honesty in my dealings with others, the more my reality (e.g., their actions and reactions to me) improves beyond anything I could imagine with my broken alcoholic brain (and boy can it imagine some crazy stuff).

To any regular readers I (might) have, I apologize for the hiatus in my blog posting (and elsewhere) while I've been adjusting my lifestyle from "unemployed" to "crazy busy". Today, the 4th of July, I actually have a coincidence of time and energy (a few hours and motivation) to write about what's been going on since April 24, the last time I posted. Reality check: I'm finished promising when my next post will be, regardless of when I'd like it to be - life just doesn't run that way for me lately. If you're reading this (at my prodding anyway, and probably even if not; what the hell, even if not) I love you, and thank you, and thank the God of my understanding (GOMU) for you.

Work: I've said it here and elswhere before, but it just becomes more apparent all the time - I'm blessed to be in a working position/environment/team/activity stream that I am utterly undeserving of by any rational analysis of my past; so the "irrational" analysis that the reason I'm there is entirely at the will and direction of said GOMU is the only appropriate one. I'm a fully functional (while incomprehensibly dysfunctional) member of a crack, real-time (post-hoc, ad-hoc, crazy-hoc) fraud analysis/intervention/prevention team at a major banking institution. I love my job (the one I'm clueless at), I love my team-mates, I love the fact that this past week we've literally been under siege by fraudsters who've been plying a chink in the corporate anti-fraud armor - one we're (the team) tasked to close - and the organization I'm contracted to work with is "nuts in transition to more nuts". So I'm a nut in a bag of mixed nuts, the nuts are attacking the nuts, and I love the whole nutty affair! Nuts!!!

As it turns out, the centerpiece of both the serenity and love (hmmm - synonyms?) I'm experiencing with work and other areas of my life as well, is that principle of service. In literal terms, the priciple is to be "of maximum service to others" - regardless of circumstance. So it doesn't matter what I know/don't know, skills or experience I do/don't possess, station I occupy or anything else. If I can recognize an opportunity to help someone (noting that not everything that looks like help is), and step outside of myself to act on said opportunity, I can have the gift of knowing that I'm doing the will of my GOMU - and the certainty of that knowledge is my personal definition of serenity.

As for my life in general, I'm finding a lot of joy in the everyday experience of living and moving about in my ever expanding personal world. Even the bizarre stuff that might send others reeling seems to be little more than fodder for my personal growth.

I still don't drive (probably never will), so as always, I get around by bus and train (rapid transit). Yesterday while waiting at a bus stop, I had the strange experience of encountering some folks who reminded me of just where I could be today had I not thrown myself into recovery with complete abandon. Sitting on the bench at one of the lesser desirable bus stops, I noticed a lady meandering on the median in the street, apparently looking for someone. As she approached the bus stop, I was surpised by a voice right next to me saying "Hi there!" (to me, or her, or perhaps the world in general). The voice belonged to a middle aged man who was clearly drunk, and had some association (marriage, I would later learn) with this woman. The "happy" couple parked themselves (literally) around me, and did what people (GOMU only knows why) most especially like to do in my presece (as if I don't exist, or maybe because I do) - they conducted the business of their choppy relationship right in front of me. The lady was clearly an experienced and committed "enabler" for the guy's alcoholic madness. She was "fed up" with buying him stuff he wouldn't take care of (he was missing apparently his third pair of sunglasses in two days). His response, of course, was typical of most men in his condition. This went on for about 15 minutes until the bus came. Being somewhat uncomfortable around these folks, I let them get on first and took my seat well away in the back of the bus (which ironically seemed more pleasant and safe).

The compelling question for me in that encounter was whether I was really that bad in my alcoholic nightmare. The compelling answer was that although I was different (typically non-beligerant), I was:

• that bad in my own special way
• on my way to becoming that bad

All that needed to happen was for me to keep spiraling (and living) long enough to slide into that same indigent lifestyle I encountered in the homeless shelter before I got into to the Salvation Army ARC. In other words, I wasn't any "better" than these folks - but today I'm blessed to be in better circumstances because I surrendered and became willing to take the suggestions of people who were clearly doing better than I was, no matter that I thought they were nuts. My version of "sanity" wasn't working, so "insanity" (by my then definition) coudln't hurt to try. Today, I'm an acknowledged "bat-shit crazy" alcoholic in recovery and so long as I stay sober, and stay connected with all my bat-shit crazy recovered friends, working my bat-shit crazy program, I can count on more serenity and a better life than I could even dream of in my previous "sanity".

Hopefully, the above gives the curious reader a snapshot of my general state today; yes, I have ongoing health issues, including hearing loss and vertigo from time to time; no, my "life" hasn't gotten magically stupdendous (or even stress-free). But I'm living my life with a new sense of purpose and direction, with my main focus still on my recovery and living one day at a time. As mentioned, I love all of you who've supported me and my recovery and I love hearing from you.

My Tornadoes

My Tornado Dream - 4/24/2010 (Sat early a.m.)

I am at "home" - a composite residence of past/present - vague notion of family present at this point. I somehow become aware there's a tornado approaching - then I look out a large window toward the back of the home and see it's very close. I try to gauge its movement, toward or away from us - it seems to be passing "harmlessly" to our right. Now a sound of emergency alert sirens, and I look out the window to see another HUGE tornado - an obvious "killer", and it's headed straight for us, very near. I call out to people (my sister?) in the house and try to figure out what to do. We have no basement or other storm shelter (real life), and I feel a growing sense of dread and helplessness. I try to think of the best advice I've heard, bathroom, bathtub, next to (or under?) a large heavy desk or table. None of this seems relevant, as this tornado is so huge and powerful it will destroy all in its wake. I look out the window again at it, drawing ever closer - but with the scene jerking like a series of still-frames. I am terrified. I awake.

This dream is a member of a large set of tornado-themed dreams I've had sporadically over many decades (probably 10 or 12 total dreams recalled). In real life, I'm awed by the power and (strange) beauty of tornadoes I've seen photos and video clips of. This is a force of nature utterly uncontrollable - though neither malevolent nor benevolent (mindless, incapable of either), randomly destructive to human life and endeavors.

In recovery today, I realize quite easily that a dream like the above is "speaking to me" of the issue of powerlessness - for that is the real psychic experience; there is absolutely nothing I can do for myself in the situation. It is, of course, a central theme of Step 1, and I believe this dream has (and theme always had) the role of reminding me - particularly if I'm starting to lose focus - of my true position in terms of power. What's been going on for me in the few weeks before this dream is that I've started a new job which has taken up enormous energy (physical, spiritual, emotional) that used to be in ready supply while I was unemployed, that has now been run up against my natural limits - in other words, I could be easily headed for a "burnout" if I don't take proactive steps to manage my load and the associated stress levels.

Both the worst and best things about this process of becoming aware - I was reminded (in real life) the other day that I still have a disability that has nothing to do with alcohol or my recovery. On one of my most stressful days (crazy schedule between paid work and volunteer work), I was failing to take care of myself well by eating on time ("...my schedule won't allow it...") and my Meniere's (not surprisingly) decided to get my attention by filling both ears with a roaring tinnitus of the likes I haven't experienced for over a year. Fortunately for me, I know my own (Meniere's) pattern well, and understand that this tinnitus episode was a precursor (warning, if you will) of much more "interesting fun" to come. I'm also fortunate that I recognized immediately why this was happening - I hadn't eaten, was stressed to the max, and already exhausted. I had 3 of the 4 "HALT" factors (a popular recovery term - avoid being Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired) - I wasn't angry, but I definitely had the other 3 in spades - and my ears were roaring because of that.

Being warned is one thing, of course, heeding it quite another. I'm at a point now where I must decide - taking into full account my disability and natural limits, what I need to do with my current schedule (work, volunteer, recovery) to accomplish several things.

First, I must be very sure that any changes I make to my schedule do not have the effect of isolating me (in both the specific and general sense) - because for me, personally, isolation is actually in the "number-one offender" slot along with "resentment". I can literally die of isolation (and it wouldn't take that much). That's why I'll have attended two meetings today (a Saturday), and two more (including a secretary stint) tomorrow. These don't seem optional to me (but I'll have to keep them in the "stress resolution" queue at this point anyway - I may be able to "pay" for a reduction here with an easier meeting somewhere else).

Likewise, my volunteer commitments are very important parts of my spiritual program, and "cost" a lot to reduce - but I do see some leverage here in terms of taking care of myself (aka eating) - I could push one of my two Thursday night activities (back to back, same place) by 1/2 hour and still be effective - and eat.

There are other things I can look at as well, to manage my time so that I have adequate time and energy to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. One very key point is that I need to (for awhile anyway) avoid saying yes to any time commitments before I carefully examine how they impact my schedule and my serenity. For example, there's a future commitment I've been offered regarding a regular meeting on Monday nights - but rather far away, meaning rather late getting home - and I'm very probably going to need to say no to it for now - even though I'd like to be there, and even though it's a plus for my recovery (service). The hours just won't work for my weekday sleep schedule, which - I have to face the reality of - matters both in terms of my Meniere's and my recovery.

All of this in response to those tornadoes - the power of a disability (and of life on life's terms) that I have no ability to control; I can risk burnout - with potentially deadly consequences - or get humble and operate within my own limits. I know I have a higher power who would never push me as hard as I push myself.

The Goofy Scams Keep Coming

A Great Birthday Present

Wednesday (3/31) was my natal birthday - 51 years old – celebrated with a Saturday party hosted by my sisters...

I've already received the best birthday present I could possibly ask for - I start my new job as a contract employee at a major bank in San Francisco on Thursday April 8. The position, the process of acquiring it, and the assistance I've received throughout are so amazing to me, that although they've been documented in prior posts, I'm moved by gratitude to post the whole story right here.

I'd been actively engaged in my job search since last October (2009), when I exited the Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center - graduated September 2009 - having stayed on for a few weeks to commence what I'd hoped would be a quick job search process for an experienced IT (Information Technology) data analyst. Needless to say, six months later, with the ugly economy/job market, I'd had to seriously revise my assessment of my "easy" employ-ability (notwithstanding background issues detailed below).

When I try to think of where/when my higher power (HP, God if you like) stepped into my process to intervene in simply miraculous ways, I'm stymied - "speechless" even in this writing medium. Was it when I'd hit bottom in a homeless shelter in Richmond, way back in January 2009, and a new acquaintance there directed me to a nearby "day program" whose administrator hooked me up with a bed at the Salvation Army (SA - I'd been trying on my own for weeks)? Or perhaps it was when the head counselor at SA (Director of Rehabilitation Services) recommended I try the California Department of Rehabilitation (DOR) to get assistance with my hearing and balance issues? Perhaps it was when my DOR counselor recommended Abilicorp - a disability employment recruiting company - as one of my (many) job search contacts. I'm not even finished with this train of events - but clearly, my HP was operating on my behalf in all of them - and many more times (I can see now) before and after.

So before going on, let's rewind the tape a bit, and freeze-frame to examine the "status of Paul" on December 12, 2008 (my sobriety date). This bears doing because said status has repercussions that echo all the way into today (an alternate description: the "wreckage of my past" that I still have much work ahead to clean up).

On the date mentioned above, Paul had recently:

• Lost his job as a Sr. Analytic Consultant due to alcoholism.
• Spent a "pleasant" afternoon as a guest of the San Joaquin County (California) Sherrif's Department in their rubberized "observation" cell after calling himself in as a suicidal public drunk (an interesting story in itself).
• Attended the scheduled court hearing for above, to find a "no complaint" status (the DA didn't press charges, most likely due to my self-report and no prior incidents - they certainly have bigger fish to fry).
• Completely defaulted (and been sued - to no obvious effect - by a bank I won't name, but whose name figures rather prominently (an understatement) in Paul's current outlook, on something in the neighborhood (I'm still not sure) of $50,000 (total) in consumer debt to numerous creditors. Said debt is still unresolved at this writing (there hasn't been a "bankruptcy" - yet).
• Had divorce papers filed (and seen an attorney) by his alcohol/crack cocaine addict wife (who subsequently died on March 1, 2009 - of (perhaps?) related causes).
• Lost his place to live ("homeless") - related to the job loss; related to alcoholism.

While the above status cannot realistically be called that of a "criminal", it also rests quite a distance from many people's concept (mine included) of "employ-ability" - and the term "professional" wouldn't withstand much scrutiny either, in spite of the Bachelor's Degree in Information Systems Management. Actually, the best operative summation I can imagine for this combination of stellar success and egregious failure would be "A Job Recruiter's Worst Nightmare" - and so it has seemed to play out - until very recently.

Some other (then and current) status information relevant to this case of resurrection (yes - that's the right word! - and here comes Easter!):

• "Disabled" (1) by moderate/severe hearing loss (I have hearing aids I haven't fully paid for), (2) by sporadic bouts of mild to fully incapacitating vertigo - both related to what's been diagnosed as Meniere's Syndrome. Noteworthy is that my alcoholism certainly exacerbated , but (apparently) didn't cause this condition, as I first experienced it during a protracted (7 years) total abstinence from alcohol and still have it (though thankfully in several months remission from the vertigo presently).
• Non-driver (I surrendered my license several years ago) - due to the severity and unpredictability of my vertigo attacks (they include "nystagmus" - involuntary eye movements that make me functionally blind). 

The Blessings/Miracles (that I can remember right now), in This Process, More or Less in Order of Receipt

• A sister and sister-in-law (S/SIL) who rescued me from my self-made morass in December '08, and provided me with a sober living home for a month while I searched for a program (I then went to a homeless shelter for about 10 days as a counselor-recommended fast-track to a residential treatment program).
• The acquaintance in the homeless shelter (I can't even recall the name) who directed me to the nearby ANKR day program facility as a source for finding a longer-term residential program.
• The administrator/counselor at the ANKR program who found me a bed at the Salvation Army.
• The Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center in Oakland, CA - the people who, for 10 months, gave me food, shelter, education, spiritual guidance*, meaningful work, discipline, and the structure to begin in earnest my working of the 12 steps of my recovery program.
• My sponsor, Sam, and all my friends in recovery who helped me (and continue to do so) work the 12 steps of my recovery program.
• The recovery program which has literally saved my life (obvious, but anonymous).
• My S/SIL (again) who have provided me with room and board at a deep discount in their home (sober environment) while I've continue to work my recovery and my job search.
• My DOR counselor, who has assisted me in my job search, and has found/qualified me for payment for online classes at a local college to upgrade my skill set - part of an employment development plan we set up together. This person also had (unknowingly, perhaps) a miracle role in suggesting I include Abilicorp in my job search process.
• The counselor at the California Employment Development Department (EDD) who found a way to qualify me for an Unemployment Insurance extension even though I was unqualified (timed out) for the initial claim. Consequently, I'm not broke today.
• My Abilicorp recruitment counselors/agents (2), who found the job opportunity for me at the bank, and went absolutely nuts on my behalf to work on getting me this position - through (no doubt) wooing the employer on the disability angle and my qualifications, and coaching me through process of tailoring my resume and interviewing for the position. One of these folks actually met me at a coffee shop prior to my interview for last minute coaching and assistance with the high-tech building elevator system.
• My countless (really!) friends around the world(!) who have been my support and inspiration for my recovery. I consider it a miracle today that I have friends at all, since I had thrown friendship and love out the window at my bottom. 

So here I am, about to embark on the next phase of a life worth living (who knew?). As long as this post is, there's no way I got everything or everyone that helped me listed. The works of the God of my understanding are just too buried in a thousand every-days. If you're reading this, it's almost certain that you have a place in my gratitude list. And every day now I wake up and see miracles. Somebody in a meeting somewhere put it beautifully for me once:

"Every day, as I walk around, I see little miracle flowers, and I pluck them (gratitude) as I go along - and when I get to the end of my day, I have a whole gratitude bouquet!"



* The Salvation Army is a Christian church which (in my words) spreads the gospel of Jesus Christ by providing services, shelter, and spiritual guidance to the needy in communities throughout the world, and has been doing so for well over a century (in other words, they're pretty darned good at it). I don't count myself as a Christian, but I can find in my heart nothing but profound gratitude to the Salvation Army and their Oakland Adult Rehabilitation Center - I am their champion and cheerleader, and will testify firsthand to the value of the work they are doing. I don't consider my position (as a non-Christian supporter of a Christian enterprise) the least bit hypocritical - in my recovery, I don't argue against anything or anyone who is doing good. Nor do I require anyone to agree with my beliefs about God or anything else. I support all people who meet suffering with compassion - regardless of their religion, philosophy, or beliefs. The Salvation Army (regardless of any human failings it may suffer) fits that bill (compassion) perfectly.

An Offer I Can't Refuse

After almost exactly 6 months of job search, it's finally happened!

This morning I received an email from Abilicorp with an attached offer letter for employment (and associated new hire paperwork) at a major banking institution in San Francisco. The actual gig has been described in earlier posts, but suffice it to say here it's a perfect fit (with growth room), and the pay offered is on the high end (reasonable) of my career expectation - and may include (as yet unspecified) benefits.

I'll start on the 5th of April (next Monday at this writing). The job is a 3 month temp position but an open-ended opportunity as the team I'll join is for the purpose of concept validation for a process that will be ongoing if successful (and you can bet I'll be driving for success - and to become indispensable to my employer). Employment (continuation) is still dependent on a (still pending) background check, but the signs there are good (if not perfect).

Needless to say all the paperwork and supporting documentation has already been faxed back. Also needless to say is I'm thrilled with the opportunity, and grateful to all who have kept me in their prayers and helped me up to this point. My "excitement" is tempered (in a serene way) by the full knowledge that this is but another step in a long process of rebuilding a "wrecked" life (hence my moniker), making amends as needed, and clearing up the wreckage of my past. The difference today is that I have a hope that is unshakable so long as I continue on the spiritual journey of recovery and maintain my connection with the (utterly mind-blowing) higher power I've come to know.

As always, gratitude is the attitude, and serenity is the state.

Movement - A Free Throw at the Line

This morning the employment ball got tossed to me - a rep at AbiliCorp e-mailed me the authorization forms for my background check (a requirement of the employer). I just got back from faxing the completed forms back to her, and now it's another waiting game; I'm told there's a backlog with the background research company, but in any case, the employer would want me to start on 4/5 if I'm hired, so no big issues for me with the wait. My AbiliCorp recruiter has told me things look quite good for my application - and any issues (there are a few potentials) with the background check (financial woes), we'll take them as they come.

So as it's been throughout this process, it's me doing that next right thing as I'm presented with it, and give all the rest (worries, outcomes) to my higher power, who's infinitely better able to handle all of this than I am. As complicated as things look on the surface, I've got a really strong sense that this is going to represent a watershed in my recovery - the God of my understanding leading me through the process of clearing away some of the major wreckage of my past, so I can be the more unburdened, and free to be a living example of the power to be had through the spiritual way of life given to me by my recovery program.

All good here!