I've just about given up the urge to figure out the how and why of it - I only know the more I apply the principle of rigorous honesty in my dealings with others, the more my reality (e.g., their actions and reactions to me) improves beyond anything I could imagine with my broken alcoholic brain (and boy can it imagine some crazy stuff).
To any regular readers I (might) have, I apologize for the hiatus in my blog posting (and elsewhere) while I've been adjusting my lifestyle from "unemployed" to "crazy busy". Today, the 4th of July, I actually have a coincidence of time and energy (a few hours and motivation) to write about what's been going on since April 24, the last time I posted. Reality check: I'm finished promising when my next post will be, regardless of when I'd like it to be - life just doesn't run that way for me lately. If you're reading this (at my prodding anyway, and probably even if not; what the hell, even if not) I love you, and thank you, and thank the God of my understanding (GOMU) for you.
Work: I've said it here and elswhere before, but it just becomes more apparent all the time - I'm blessed to be in a working position/environment/team/activity stream that I am utterly undeserving of by any rational analysis of my past; so the "irrational" analysis that the reason I'm there is entirely at the will and direction of said GOMU is the only appropriate one. I'm a fully functional (while incomprehensibly dysfunctional) member of a crack, real-time (post-hoc, ad-hoc, crazy-hoc) fraud analysis/intervention/prevention team at a major banking institution. I love my job (the one I'm clueless at), I love my team-mates, I love the fact that this past week we've literally been under siege by fraudsters who've been plying a chink in the corporate anti-fraud armor - one we're (the team) tasked to close - and the organization I'm contracted to work with is "nuts in transition to more nuts". So I'm a nut in a bag of mixed nuts, the nuts are attacking the nuts, and I love the whole nutty affair! Nuts!!!
As it turns out, the centerpiece of both the serenity and love (hmmm - synonyms?) I'm experiencing with work and other areas of my life as well, is that principle of service. In literal terms, the priciple is to be "of maximum service to others" - regardless of circumstance. So it doesn't matter what I know/don't know, skills or experience I do/don't possess, station I occupy or anything else. If I can recognize an opportunity to help someone (noting that not everything that looks like help is), and step outside of myself to act on said opportunity, I can have the gift of knowing that I'm doing the will of my GOMU - and the certainty of that knowledge is my personal definition of serenity.
As for my life in general, I'm finding a lot of joy in the everyday experience of living and moving about in my ever expanding personal world. Even the bizarre stuff that might send others reeling seems to be little more than fodder for my personal growth.
I still don't drive (probably never will), so as always, I get around by bus and train (rapid transit). Yesterday while waiting at a bus stop, I had the strange experience of encountering some folks who reminded me of just where I could be today had I not thrown myself into recovery with complete abandon. Sitting on the bench at one of the lesser desirable bus stops, I noticed a lady meandering on the median in the street, apparently looking for someone. As she approached the bus stop, I was surpised by a voice right next to me saying "Hi there!" (to me, or her, or perhaps the world in general). The voice belonged to a middle aged man who was clearly drunk, and had some association (marriage, I would later learn) with this woman. The "happy" couple parked themselves (literally) around me, and did what people (GOMU only knows why) most especially like to do in my presece (as if I don't exist, or maybe because I do) - they conducted the business of their choppy relationship right in front of me. The lady was clearly an experienced and committed "enabler" for the guy's alcoholic madness. She was "fed up" with buying him stuff he wouldn't take care of (he was missing apparently his third pair of sunglasses in two days). His response, of course, was typical of most men in his condition. This went on for about 15 minutes until the bus came. Being somewhat uncomfortable around these folks, I let them get on first and took my seat well away in the back of the bus (which ironically seemed more pleasant and safe).
The compelling question for me in that encounter was whether I was really that bad in my alcoholic nightmare. The compelling answer was that although I was different (typically non-beligerant), I was:
- that bad in my own special way
- on my way to becoming that bad
All that needed to happen was for me to keep spiraling (and living) long enough to slide into that same indigent lifestyle I encountered in the homeless shelter before I got into to the Salvation Army ARC. In other words, I wasn't any "better" than these folks - but today I'm blessed to be in better circumstances because I surrendered and became willing to take the suggestions of people who were clearly doing better than I was, no matter that I thought they were nuts. My version of "sanity" wasn't working, so "insanity" (by my then definition) coudln't hurt to try. Today, I'm an acknowledged "bat-shit crazy" alcoholic in recovery and so long as I stay sober, and stay connected with all my bat-shit crazy recovered friends, working my bat-shit crazy program, I can count on more serenity and a better life than I could even dream of in my previous "sanity".
Hopefully, the above gives the curious reader a snapshot of my general state today; yes, I have ongoing health issues, including hearing loss and vertigo from time to time; no, my "life" hasn't gotten magically stupdendous (or even stress-free). But I'm living my life with a new sense of purpose and direction, with my main focus still on my recovery and living one day at a time. As mentioned, I love all of you who've supported me and my recovery and I love hearing from you.
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