My Tornadoes

My Tornado Dream - 4/24/2010 (Sat early a.m.)

I am at "home" - a composite residence of past/present - vague notion of family present at this point. I somehow become aware there's a tornado approaching - then I look out a large window toward the back of the home and see it's very close. I try to gauge its movement, toward or away from us - it seems to be passing "harmlessly" to our right. Now a sound of emergency alert sirens, and I look out the window to see another HUGE tornado - an obvious "killer", and it's headed straight for us, very near. I call out to people (my sister?) in the house and try to figure out what to do. We have no basement or other storm shelter (real life), and I feel a growing sense of dread and helplessness. I try to think of the best advice I've heard, bathroom, bathtub, next to (or under?) a large heavy desk or table. None of this seems relevant, as this tornado is so huge and powerful it will destroy all in its wake. I look out the window again at it, drawing ever closer - but with the scene jerking like a series of still-frames. I am terrified. I awake.

This dream is a member of a large set of tornado-themed dreams I've had sporadically over many decades (probably 10 or 12 total dreams recalled). In real life, I'm awed by the power and (strange) beauty of tornadoes I've seen photos and video clips of. This is a force of nature utterly uncontrollable - though neither malevolent nor benevolent (mindless, incapable of either), randomly destructive to human life and endeavors.

In recovery today, I realize quite easily that a dream like the above is "speaking to me" of the issue of powerlessness - for that is the real psychic experience; there is absolutely nothing I can do for myself in the situation. It is, of course, a central theme of Step 1, and I believe this dream has (and theme always had) the role of reminding me - particularly if I'm starting to lose focus - of my true position in terms of power. What's been going on for me in the few weeks before this dream is that I've started a new job which has taken up enormous energy (physical, spiritual, emotional) that used to be in ready supply while I was unemployed, that has now been run up against my natural limits - in other words, I could be easily headed for a "burnout" if I don't take proactive steps to manage my load and the associated stress levels.

Both the worst and best things about this process of becoming aware - I was reminded (in real life) the other day that I still have a disability that has nothing to do with alcohol or my recovery. On one of my most stressful days (crazy schedule between paid work and volunteer work), I was failing to take care of myself well by eating on time ("...my schedule won't allow it...") and my Meniere's (not surprisingly) decided to get my attention by filling both ears with a roaring tinnitus of the likes I haven't experienced for over a year. Fortunately for me, I know my own (Meniere's) pattern well, and understand that this tinnitus episode was a precursor (warning, if you will) of much more "interesting fun" to come. I'm also fortunate that I recognized immediately why this was happening - I hadn't eaten, was stressed to the max, and already exhausted. I had 3 of the 4 "HALT" factors (a popular recovery term - avoid being Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired) - I wasn't angry, but I definitely had the other 3 in spades - and my ears were roaring because of that.

Being warned is one thing, of course, heeding it quite another. I'm at a point now where I must decide - taking into full account my disability and natural limits, what I need to do with my current schedule (work, volunteer, recovery) to accomplish several things.

First, I must be very sure that any changes I make to my schedule do not have the effect of isolating me (in both the specific and general sense) - because for me, personally, isolation is actually in the "number-one offender" slot along with "resentment". I can literally die of isolation (and it wouldn't take that much). That's why I'll have attended two meetings today (a Saturday), and two more (including a secretary stint) tomorrow. These don't seem optional to me (but I'll have to keep them in the "stress resolution" queue at this point anyway - I may be able to "pay" for a reduction here with an easier meeting somewhere else).

Likewise, my volunteer commitments are very important parts of my spiritual program, and "cost" a lot to reduce - but I do see some leverage here in terms of taking care of myself (aka eating) - I could push one of my two Thursday night activities (back to back, same place) by 1/2 hour and still be effective - and eat.

There are other things I can look at as well, to manage my time so that I have adequate time and energy to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. One very key point is that I need to (for awhile anyway) avoid saying yes to any time commitments before I carefully examine how they impact my schedule and my serenity. For example, there's a future commitment I've been offered regarding a regular meeting on Monday nights - but rather far away, meaning rather late getting home - and I'm very probably going to need to say no to it for now - even though I'd like to be there, and even though it's a plus for my recovery (service). The hours just won't work for my weekday sleep schedule, which - I have to face the reality of - matters both in terms of my Meniere's and my recovery.

All of this in response to those tornadoes - the power of a disability (and of life on life's terms) that I have no ability to control; I can risk burnout - with potentially deadly consequences - or get humble and operate within my own limits. I know I have a higher power who would never push me as hard as I push myself.

The Goofy Scams Keep Coming

A Great Birthday Present

Wednesday (3/31) was my natal birthday - 51 years old – celebrated with a Saturday party hosted by my sisters...

I've already received the best birthday present I could possibly ask for - I start my new job as a contract employee at a major bank in San Francisco on Thursday April 8. The position, the process of acquiring it, and the assistance I've received throughout are so amazing to me, that although they've been documented in prior posts, I'm moved by gratitude to post the whole story right here.

I'd been actively engaged in my job search since last October (2009), when I exited the Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center - graduated September 2009 - having stayed on for a few weeks to commence what I'd hoped would be a quick job search process for an experienced IT (Information Technology) data analyst. Needless to say, six months later, with the ugly economy/job market, I'd had to seriously revise my assessment of my "easy" employ-ability (notwithstanding background issues detailed below).

When I try to think of where/when my higher power (HP, God if you like) stepped into my process to intervene in simply miraculous ways, I'm stymied - "speechless" even in this writing medium. Was it when I'd hit bottom in a homeless shelter in Richmond, way back in January 2009, and a new acquaintance there directed me to a nearby "day program" whose administrator hooked me up with a bed at the Salvation Army (SA - I'd been trying on my own for weeks)? Or perhaps it was when the head counselor at SA (Director of Rehabilitation Services) recommended I try the California Department of Rehabilitation (DOR) to get assistance with my hearing and balance issues? Perhaps it was when my DOR counselor recommended Abilicorp - a disability employment recruiting company - as one of my (many) job search contacts. I'm not even finished with this train of events - but clearly, my HP was operating on my behalf in all of them - and many more times (I can see now) before and after.

So before going on, let's rewind the tape a bit, and freeze-frame to examine the "status of Paul" on December 12, 2008 (my sobriety date). This bears doing because said status has repercussions that echo all the way into today (an alternate description: the "wreckage of my past" that I still have much work ahead to clean up).

On the date mentioned above, Paul had recently:

• Lost his job as a Sr. Analytic Consultant due to alcoholism.
• Spent a "pleasant" afternoon as a guest of the San Joaquin County (California) Sherrif's Department in their rubberized "observation" cell after calling himself in as a suicidal public drunk (an interesting story in itself).
• Attended the scheduled court hearing for above, to find a "no complaint" status (the DA didn't press charges, most likely due to my self-report and no prior incidents - they certainly have bigger fish to fry).
• Completely defaulted (and been sued - to no obvious effect - by a bank I won't name, but whose name figures rather prominently (an understatement) in Paul's current outlook, on something in the neighborhood (I'm still not sure) of $50,000 (total) in consumer debt to numerous creditors. Said debt is still unresolved at this writing (there hasn't been a "bankruptcy" - yet).
• Had divorce papers filed (and seen an attorney) by his alcohol/crack cocaine addict wife (who subsequently died on March 1, 2009 - of (perhaps?) related causes).
• Lost his place to live ("homeless") - related to the job loss; related to alcoholism.

While the above status cannot realistically be called that of a "criminal", it also rests quite a distance from many people's concept (mine included) of "employ-ability" - and the term "professional" wouldn't withstand much scrutiny either, in spite of the Bachelor's Degree in Information Systems Management. Actually, the best operative summation I can imagine for this combination of stellar success and egregious failure would be "A Job Recruiter's Worst Nightmare" - and so it has seemed to play out - until very recently.

Some other (then and current) status information relevant to this case of resurrection (yes - that's the right word! - and here comes Easter!):

• "Disabled" (1) by moderate/severe hearing loss (I have hearing aids I haven't fully paid for), (2) by sporadic bouts of mild to fully incapacitating vertigo - both related to what's been diagnosed as Meniere's Syndrome. Noteworthy is that my alcoholism certainly exacerbated , but (apparently) didn't cause this condition, as I first experienced it during a protracted (7 years) total abstinence from alcohol and still have it (though thankfully in several months remission from the vertigo presently).
• Non-driver (I surrendered my license several years ago) - due to the severity and unpredictability of my vertigo attacks (they include "nystagmus" - involuntary eye movements that make me functionally blind). 

The Blessings/Miracles (that I can remember right now), in This Process, More or Less in Order of Receipt

• A sister and sister-in-law (S/SIL) who rescued me from my self-made morass in December '08, and provided me with a sober living home for a month while I searched for a program (I then went to a homeless shelter for about 10 days as a counselor-recommended fast-track to a residential treatment program).
• The acquaintance in the homeless shelter (I can't even recall the name) who directed me to the nearby ANKR day program facility as a source for finding a longer-term residential program.
• The administrator/counselor at the ANKR program who found me a bed at the Salvation Army.
• The Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center in Oakland, CA - the people who, for 10 months, gave me food, shelter, education, spiritual guidance*, meaningful work, discipline, and the structure to begin in earnest my working of the 12 steps of my recovery program.
• My sponsor, Sam, and all my friends in recovery who helped me (and continue to do so) work the 12 steps of my recovery program.
• The recovery program which has literally saved my life (obvious, but anonymous).
• My S/SIL (again) who have provided me with room and board at a deep discount in their home (sober environment) while I've continue to work my recovery and my job search.
• My DOR counselor, who has assisted me in my job search, and has found/qualified me for payment for online classes at a local college to upgrade my skill set - part of an employment development plan we set up together. This person also had (unknowingly, perhaps) a miracle role in suggesting I include Abilicorp in my job search process.
• The counselor at the California Employment Development Department (EDD) who found a way to qualify me for an Unemployment Insurance extension even though I was unqualified (timed out) for the initial claim. Consequently, I'm not broke today.
• My Abilicorp recruitment counselors/agents (2), who found the job opportunity for me at the bank, and went absolutely nuts on my behalf to work on getting me this position - through (no doubt) wooing the employer on the disability angle and my qualifications, and coaching me through process of tailoring my resume and interviewing for the position. One of these folks actually met me at a coffee shop prior to my interview for last minute coaching and assistance with the high-tech building elevator system.
• My countless (really!) friends around the world(!) who have been my support and inspiration for my recovery. I consider it a miracle today that I have friends at all, since I had thrown friendship and love out the window at my bottom. 

So here I am, about to embark on the next phase of a life worth living (who knew?). As long as this post is, there's no way I got everything or everyone that helped me listed. The works of the God of my understanding are just too buried in a thousand every-days. If you're reading this, it's almost certain that you have a place in my gratitude list. And every day now I wake up and see miracles. Somebody in a meeting somewhere put it beautifully for me once:

"Every day, as I walk around, I see little miracle flowers, and I pluck them (gratitude) as I go along - and when I get to the end of my day, I have a whole gratitude bouquet!"



* The Salvation Army is a Christian church which (in my words) spreads the gospel of Jesus Christ by providing services, shelter, and spiritual guidance to the needy in communities throughout the world, and has been doing so for well over a century (in other words, they're pretty darned good at it). I don't count myself as a Christian, but I can find in my heart nothing but profound gratitude to the Salvation Army and their Oakland Adult Rehabilitation Center - I am their champion and cheerleader, and will testify firsthand to the value of the work they are doing. I don't consider my position (as a non-Christian supporter of a Christian enterprise) the least bit hypocritical - in my recovery, I don't argue against anything or anyone who is doing good. Nor do I require anyone to agree with my beliefs about God or anything else. I support all people who meet suffering with compassion - regardless of their religion, philosophy, or beliefs. The Salvation Army (regardless of any human failings it may suffer) fits that bill (compassion) perfectly.