Life in the Recovery Lane

Here it is, MLK Day, 2011 (U.S.: Martin Luther King Jr. Day - a national holiday). Not that I have any profundities to pontificate on this day more than any other - I just haven't posted here in a very long while, and being a holiday, here I am with time and some inclination. With a nod to Dr. King, a hero to many including me, I accept this opportunity to update the readers who haven't wandered off to more interesting venues like watching paint dry. :)

Recently (specifically, 12/12/2010), I hit 2 years of sobriety, and celebrated it (I'm pleased to report) by *not* having a drink. I also celebrated Christmas and New Years that way, and will celebrate this holiday likewise. Recovery has been *very* good to me, and continues, to my amazement, to be better to me every day. Hence my distinct and ever more present aversion to the very idea of trashing the peace and serenity I've found by drinking. As the book that is the heart of my spiritual program says, I haven't even sworn off - the problem has been removed (actually, a whole lot of them have).

Today I can honestly say that the most serious problem I have is balancing my time among all the joys (aka: people) I have the opportunity to experience in my life. If you're reading this, you're probably one of them. That this may be the first you've heard from me in many weeks (even months) is *not* a joy to me, but at least I have this chance to tell you that I love you and would fold you into my crazy life if I knew how; I'd be writing more, and all I can do today is pray that balance will come.

Today I'm still very happily and productively employed as a contractor for a major bank, doing security data analysis for their fraud prevention organization; helping them figure out the best ways to intercept and prevent fraudsters from attacking their commercial clients through their web portal. It's challenging, exciting, very fast-paced, and in some ways, utterly insane - if you knew the kind of political nonsense that goes on behind the scenes at a bank - I didn't - you'd more easily understand the overall character of such organizations. Case in point is early December, when the VP who hired me in the first place pulls me and my team leader aside and informs us that though he'd love to keep us (contract), the budgets for us don't seem to be funded, so "If I were you, I'd go ahead and start looking." Naturally, we both did. It *might* have been a whole week later when he came around and told us that not only had the budgets been funded, but our contract had been extended through the end of 2012 - unheard of contract length at this bank - 24 months extension of a 6 month contract (30 total). Merry Christmas indeed! :) Will I be working there a month from now? Who knows? I'm really grateful to be doing a job I love today, and that's the beginning and end of my business. Huge difference in my ability to deal with uncertainty, brought about by none other than my spiritual program of living.

Good segway: Every morning, I'm up at 4:00 a.m. (that includes weekends and holidays like today). The very first thing I do is make my bed. This is the first step in my spiritual program of action. It's actually a vital piece of my life structure, and a gratitude prayer; I have a bed to sleep in. Then I quietly wander into the kitchen to make my coffee, and if it's a (working) weekday, a sandwich for my lunch. Back to my bedroom I go, to sit down and do the more customary reading, prayer, and meditation that starts my day off on the right track for someone who has learned that their day goes so much better with a solid, structured foundation at its start. On certain days (3 of them: two weekend days, and one variable weekday), I'm out the door at 5 (after performing quick ablutions), to catch a bus to a 6:30 a.m. meeting, another key part of my structure on those days. On the weekday in question, I'll hop a BART train near the meeting (our local commuter rapid transit system) to my job in the financial district of San Francisco - same place I go all the other weekdays from home, only actually slightly later due to the meeting.

What's the point of the "segway" above? Again, we're talking about a person who, for reasons that remain a complete mystery to science, is incapable of directing his own life to any good end. The structure described above (and yes, I'm a "morning person" - so it's relatively easy for me to do the 4:00 a.m. thing), is grounded in the principle of the small things that make a huge difference. By giving myself this structured approach to my mornings (my evenings are rather similar, though somewhat more flexible), I find I can actually do this thing called life effectively, and be of service to others, including (certainly) my employer. The gifts that have come to me from this approach (and are still coming), are simply amazing. I spend very little time or energy these days worrying about anything - in fact, I've found to my surprise that when others around me are in turmoil, I'm able (more and more) to supply the calming voice of reason and serenity. Not that I'm by nature reasonable and serene - I'm not - I have the gift of a connection to a power greater than me (GOMU - God Of My Understanding), who is bigger than any of the problems I or those others in turmoil could have. Does life hit me with problems and issues and catastrophes? You bet! Do I get bent and/or emotional sometimes? Of course! It's just that today, when I'm feeling that crazy stuff, I have a better thing to do (than, for instance, drink); I let go - of control, outcomes, future anxiety - and let that GOMU have the whole thing. If I have it in my wits to know the difference between right and wrong, then my action is simple; lean right. Everything else is out of my hands.

And that approach is bringing some pretty profound benefits in another area of my life - one I've just recently decided I'm ready to step into again. Shortly after I "turned 2", I made the decision to jump on to an online dating site (Chemistry.com). So far (a few weeks at this writing) I've been "presented" with about 75 people (their "formula" typically hits on 5 or 6 "matches" a day), interacted (lightly) with about 5 or 6, dated (coffee) one, and am currently in pretty regular email/IM conversation with one (other). All of that mystery, uncertainty, risk of rejection (used to be *huge* anxiety for me), and some emotional turmoil that even the opening volleys of relating can trigger (from my past) - and though I've had my moments, they've been just that: moments. I've been able to approach this new growth phase with a serenity, honesty, sense of humor, humility, and patience that are quite foreign to my past experiences in this area. In short, I'm actually having fun (at what is still a serious business - I'm seeking a long-term relationship). Some of my struggles have been finding a balance between being judgmental (I do have tastes, and essential requirements, and limits), and completely open to talking to anybody. A new astrologist friend of mine says my emotional balancing act has to do with my sun/moon positioning - I'm inclined to believe her. :) I'm also aware that I need to be careful in a very dangerous and cynical world - in the past, I've found myself very close to becoming a victim of a creative scammer on another singles network. The sea is full of fish, some of them sharks. The good news is I can pay attention better (because I'm not so anxious, not in a hurry), and hopefully spot trouble before it bites me in the butt.

Hearing/Balance: My Meniere's Syndrome (left ear, "we" think) seems to be taking the slow, endgame of the natural course that I've read and "heard" about from various sources. Crazy vertigo attacks rare (I haven't had a bad one in over a year), but positional vertigo is still ever present to remind me it's a part of my life. My hearing (left) is in slow decline (gone is the raging tinitus), my right (something else, "we" think) pretty much dead to the world, but both still benefit from the hearing aids I use sporadically (I still do pretty well unaided one on one/quiet with most folks).

All told, life in the recovery lane is great, and getting better. I'm deeply grateful for all the help I've been given - in many cases by those who may be reading this post. Please feel free to reply here, or contact me by the many methods you'll find on the left.

- Paul S
AKA: Lifewrecked