Life, The Universe, and Everything

Greetings All,

High time I updated you on what's going on with me, so here's the latest.

On October 21st, I graduated from Phase II of the Salvation Army Oakland Adult Rehabilitation Program (I now have a "prestigious plaque" stating same). I am, however, still a resident/beneficiary for a few weeks (at my own request) while I conduct my job and housing search. Said job search is going moderately well, given that as a resident, I'm still required to participate in program activities here, including "work therapy". Today I'm on a pass, and waiting (as I write) for things here in downtown Oakland to open up so I can continue my search.

I also have an appointment next week (finally) with a counselor at the California Department of Rehabilitation to discuss ways/options to manage my search and ultimately employment on the bases of my dual (but related) disabilities (HOH and Vertigo - Meniere's). I've already encountered in my job search some rather nonsensical (unrelated to job descriptions) requirements for "valid CA driver's license and a vehicle" (I have neither, nor do I intend to drive again). I'll be pressing my counselor for how to handle such situations when I'm obviously otherwise qualified.

While I haven't had any interviews yet, I've got several irons in the fire (applications in, and contacts made, followed up) that look very promising - but I'm not resting on these; continuing to flood the market with "me" as best I can. Meanwhile, of course, being on Monster.com and other job search engines with my resume, I'm getting plenty of "noise" from the aggressive insurance sales industry, etc. - I have neither the interest nor the qualifications to be an insurance agent, but having "reviewed" my resume (sure, ha ha), I'm a "perfect candidate" for same. I also got an interesting e-mail from a "company" whose "esteem client" is seeking (and this is the entirety of the "job description") a data analyst (I do possess such label on my resume). Being ever the diligent job seeker, I replied with minimal information myself. I suspect an information gathering scam (they wanted reference contact information before even providing a detailed job description, let alone offering an application). The sharks are out there, circling for easy prey (the hungry fish).

What follows, for posterity's sake, is an edited version of my "testimony" speech that I delivered at my graduation on October 21st, 2009. I've omitted a fairly large section of personal thanks to people most of you wouldn't know. The remainder of my testimony expresses pretty well how I feel about a program and a process that has very literally saved my life...


Testimony
Paul Schneider
October 21, 2009

My name is Paul, and I'm an alcoholic of the hopeless variety.

I categorize myself that way, because hard experience has shown me that I am incapable of managing my life on my own self-will and thinking. My attempts to do that are what brought me to the Salvation Army - with no home, no job, a failed marriage, and no power to recover any of these. I was broken and desperate, and I had little will to live. I could see no hope for my future. When I came to this program, I was just over 30 days from my last drink, and I was very sure that my abstinence couldn't possibly survive another 30 - since I was constantly obsessed with the idea of drinking, and had nearly succumbed several times. Alcohol was my master. I was hopeless against its fury.

I am not going to tell you that this program is easy, because it definitely wasn't easy for me, especially in the first few months. I struggled painfully with the structure and rules of the program, many of which I could make no sense of. Many of my run-ins with those rules, and the consequences I faced from them, brought me frustration, and thoughts of leaving to escape what I saw as unjust punishments. But amid that struggle, there was one thing I couldn't escape, and that was the hopeless state I was in when I came to the program. As frustrated as I was, I knew that I was unqualified to judge anything or anyone - because without help, I was lost to my addiction, and would certainly only face the three well known options every alcoholic/addict ultimately faces - jails, institutions, and death.

I thank God for one feature of this program that, when I embraced it fully, began to effect a change in me that over the long term has replaced my hopelessness with a real hope, and a real serenity. That feature is the emphasis this program places on the 12 steps of AA and NA. I was no stranger to Alcoholics Anonymous, having attended many meetings in the years prior to my arrival here. What I hadn't done, though, was work those 12 steps in earnest. I had never had a sponsor, nor had I ever even tried to work any of the steps beyond step 3 - and today I know that I really hadn't worked even the first three steps honestly. What little wise mind I had left decided that I would throw myself full-force into the 12 steps while I was living in this sanctuary where I was both required and encouraged to do so.

One of the biggest spiritual changes that happened for me was when I actually took steps 4 and 5 with my sponsor. I was able to make a thorough and honest 4th step inventory, and shared the details with my sponsor in my 5th step. My spiritual experience didn't happen all at once, but I gradually began learning - down in my bones - acceptance; the acceptance of life on life's terms. That spiritual gift, which I didn't earn, but which was given to me through this process, has made a huge difference in my level of frustration with the program and changes that I've gone through since. I still ran up against rules and structure sometimes, but I now had a powerful connection with the God of my understanding, and a willingness to turn my frustrations at the things I can't control over to Him.

Having done so now, time and time again, it becomes easier every time, and I now have a new voice in my head to challenge the twisted thinking that sometimes still crops up - it's a quiet voice of peace and serenity which simply tells me to relax and let go of outcomes - I need only do the next right thing, and let God handle all the outcomes. I recently had a powerful test of this new serenity when I did a 9th step amends with my former employer and some co-workers at the work site. I still stand amazed at the serenity I carried into and throughout that process - knowing that it was the right thing to do, and no matter what the outcome, I could have peace with it, because the outcome wasn't mine to control.

To you, my brothers in this program, I can only state honestly, that this serenity I've experienced is far better and more powerful than any feeling I've chased in my alcoholic addiction. This serenity lasts, never produces a hangover, and spurs me forward to greater health; physical, emotional, and spiritual. Get this serenity yourselves, by working this program - as I have - as though your life depends on it. You'll be rewarded with amazing changes from the inside out.

It occurs to me as I write this testimony, that it is pitifully easy for this alcoholic to take for granted the real compassion that I've received from all of my friends, family, staff, and others in the fellowship of the AA program.
I have so many people to thank for this process that has brought me a new hope. If I omit anyone, please know that it's because of the frailty of my broken alcoholic brain - and that I daily stand in awe of the true friends that God has placed in my life.

My first thanks, of course, is to that God of my understanding, who, though he may not look exactly like anyone else's, is a God of love and forgiveness. I thank him for leading me into the safety and sanctuary of this Salvation Army ARC - and for the staff here who clearly have a deep concern for the physical, emotional, and spiritual well being of all of the beneficiaries.

...

To my Phase I brothers, thank you for the friendship and the laughter you've shared with me every day. I stand before you today as an example of what you can do if you stick and stay, one more day. This recovery program really works, and the daily struggles are worth the effort - expect to be changed from the inside out.

To my Phase II brothers, thank you also for your friendship and encouragement. Remember that your Phase I brothers are watching you for signs of hope. Your leadership can demonstrate to them that change really is possible if we work for it.

I want to close with something very familiar to most of you, but I want you in this moment to understand that it's not just a bunch of words we read at meetings. I testify here and now that this is actually happening for me, even as I speak.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.*

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.*

I'm Paul, and I'm an alcoholic.


* Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th ed., pp. 83, 84