My Tornadoes

My Tornado Dream - 4/24/2010 (Sat early a.m.)

I am at "home" - a composite residence of past/present - vague notion of family present at this point. I somehow become aware there's a tornado approaching - then I look out a large window toward the back of the home and see it's very close. I try to gauge its movement, toward or away from us - it seems to be passing "harmlessly" to our right. Now a sound of emergency alert sirens, and I look out the window to see another HUGE tornado - an obvious "killer", and it's headed straight for us, very near. I call out to people (my sister?) in the house and try to figure out what to do. We have no basement or other storm shelter (real life), and I feel a growing sense of dread and helplessness. I try to think of the best advice I've heard, bathroom, bathtub, next to (or under?) a large heavy desk or table. None of this seems relevant, as this tornado is so huge and powerful it will destroy all in its wake. I look out the window again at it, drawing ever closer - but with the scene jerking like a series of still-frames. I am terrified. I awake.

This dream is a member of a large set of tornado-themed dreams I've had sporadically over many decades (probably 10 or 12 total dreams recalled). In real life, I'm awed by the power and (strange) beauty of tornadoes I've seen photos and video clips of. This is a force of nature utterly uncontrollable - though neither malevolent nor benevolent (mindless, incapable of either), randomly destructive to human life and endeavors.

In recovery today, I realize quite easily that a dream like the above is "speaking to me" of the issue of powerlessness - for that is the real psychic experience; there is absolutely nothing I can do for myself in the situation. It is, of course, a central theme of Step 1, and I believe this dream has (and theme always had) the role of reminding me - particularly if I'm starting to lose focus - of my true position in terms of power. What's been going on for me in the few weeks before this dream is that I've started a new job which has taken up enormous energy (physical, spiritual, emotional) that used to be in ready supply while I was unemployed, that has now been run up against my natural limits - in other words, I could be easily headed for a "burnout" if I don't take proactive steps to manage my load and the associated stress levels.

Both the worst and best things about this process of becoming aware - I was reminded (in real life) the other day that I still have a disability that has nothing to do with alcohol or my recovery. On one of my most stressful days (crazy schedule between paid work and volunteer work), I was failing to take care of myself well by eating on time ("...my schedule won't allow it...") and my Meniere's (not surprisingly) decided to get my attention by filling both ears with a roaring tinnitus of the likes I haven't experienced for over a year. Fortunately for me, I know my own (Meniere's) pattern well, and understand that this tinnitus episode was a precursor (warning, if you will) of much more "interesting fun" to come. I'm also fortunate that I recognized immediately why this was happening - I hadn't eaten, was stressed to the max, and already exhausted. I had 3 of the 4 "HALT" factors (a popular recovery term - avoid being Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired) - I wasn't angry, but I definitely had the other 3 in spades - and my ears were roaring because of that.

Being warned is one thing, of course, heeding it quite another. I'm at a point now where I must decide - taking into full account my disability and natural limits, what I need to do with my current schedule (work, volunteer, recovery) to accomplish several things.

First, I must be very sure that any changes I make to my schedule do not have the effect of isolating me (in both the specific and general sense) - because for me, personally, isolation is actually in the "number-one offender" slot along with "resentment". I can literally die of isolation (and it wouldn't take that much). That's why I'll have attended two meetings today (a Saturday), and two more (including a secretary stint) tomorrow. These don't seem optional to me (but I'll have to keep them in the "stress resolution" queue at this point anyway - I may be able to "pay" for a reduction here with an easier meeting somewhere else).

Likewise, my volunteer commitments are very important parts of my spiritual program, and "cost" a lot to reduce - but I do see some leverage here in terms of taking care of myself (aka eating) - I could push one of my two Thursday night activities (back to back, same place) by 1/2 hour and still be effective - and eat.

There are other things I can look at as well, to manage my time so that I have adequate time and energy to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. One very key point is that I need to (for awhile anyway) avoid saying yes to any time commitments before I carefully examine how they impact my schedule and my serenity. For example, there's a future commitment I've been offered regarding a regular meeting on Monday nights - but rather far away, meaning rather late getting home - and I'm very probably going to need to say no to it for now - even though I'd like to be there, and even though it's a plus for my recovery (service). The hours just won't work for my weekday sleep schedule, which - I have to face the reality of - matters both in terms of my Meniere's and my recovery.

All of this in response to those tornadoes - the power of a disability (and of life on life's terms) that I have no ability to control; I can risk burnout - with potentially deadly consequences - or get humble and operate within my own limits. I know I have a higher power who would never push me as hard as I push myself.