One Year

Yesterday, I celebrated one year of sobriety from my last dry date of 12/12/2008. And what a year it has been!

First, an inscription from a gift my sister gave me to mark this milestone:

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Press on: Nothing in the world can take the place of perseverance.
Talent will not: Nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not: Unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education will not: The world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
Press on!
- Calvin Coolidge
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I like to assume that the genotype is the obvious explanation for the appreciation of values my eldest sister and I share. The best science says that plays a big part, but isn't everything. Perhaps because over the years we've swapped roles as anchors in our various life storms; perhaps the vision wrought by hard experience is indistinguishable from person to person (acknowledging cynicism as the counterpoint view).

Whatever the reason, my sister (as so frequently happens) nailed it.

The key gift that brought me to this point in my recovery was the persistence embodied in the (short form) Serenity Prayer - "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." In my struggle to explain the reason I'm sober today when so many of my peers in "recovery" are not; indeed, in comparing my own failed attempts (relapses) prior to this "...phase of my development...", the only words that come to mind are persistence and dogged determination - not of my own making, but consistent gifts of a Higher Power I neither fully understand nor need to. And that speaks sharply to the intellect that failed me.

Make no mistake - I'm grateful for that intellect that lets me plumb the depths of both the real and the imaginary worlds. But it's a tool - not a god - and therein lies my failure, because I made it the latter. Coolidge could so easily point to me and my life so far as his template for the quote above. I fully believed that my talents, "genius" (intellect), and education made me invincible - with them, I'd solve any problem that cropped up (even alcoholism). But I forgot there is one problem these things couldn't solve - that problem is me. Left to my own devices, I drink, or find myriad other ways to avoid my reality - and in so doing, destroy all hope for my own happiness.

So it is that a year ago yesterday I was hopeless, and finally able to surrender control of my life to an unknown power - with the certitude that no matter the outcome of doing so, it couldn't be worse than my situation at that time. This is the "bottom" that many recovering addicts/alcoholics refer to - the place of complete surrender - and it's different for everyone; some need to be far worse off (materially) than others - but it always represents a complete failure of self-will. We give up, we just can't figure life out.

Today, I still can't figure life out - but I know I no longer need to. I have ever growing faith in a power, far greater than my own talents, intellect, or education that can "figure my life out" for me - and guide me, when I have the humility to ask for guidance, to solutions that give me serenity and peace with the world as it is, and with my fellows. For that, and for them, I am grateful as I begin this, my second year of sobriety - one day at a time.