HOH Awareness - Forgetting my Disability

I've always resisted calling myself "disabled" (oh, I know all the culturally sensitive versions of that word - but they all amount to the same concept: the need to be either excluded or accommodated for an ability that most people take for granted). Now that I'm (technically) homeless and "unemployed" (meaning I don't currently get a paycheck), I've had to rethink my attitude about that - particularly since a disabled status (coupled with my zero income) can get me assistance that would be unavailable to me otherwise.

What's remarkable about the "disability" that I and a lot of you who read this share, is that in many situations, it's entirely (or nearly) invisible to others - since either "aided" or not, many of us can function effectively in many areas of our life. My vertigo symptoms (related) fall into that same category, since (again, like many) I'm not dizzy all the time (and I'm blessed lately with huge periods of remission), so nobody who isn't in constant contact with me is going to notice a thing. Strangely enough, neither will I.

That brings me to the point of this post - I often forget my personal limitations until they're thrust full-force into my face. Examples are conversing with a speed-talker, understanding across a big meeting room, and answering the inevitable question about why I don't drive. I cruise through most of my day and - surprise! - slam into my "disabled" wall. How I handle that speaks both to my overall serenity, and my experience/acceptance of my limitations.

First and foremost in that acceptance process is the understanding that I'm hardly unique - even among "normal" people (notwithstanding my dear friends who share my specific trials). I'm trying to remember a person I know or have known who doesn't have some limitation(s) that would count as disability if they were challenged to use that "feature" in their livelihood (larger meaning than "work") - and I can't. The reason is easy - the human condition applies to everybody (human).

So what drives the difference - because there is a difference - for those of us who by necessity must cross over the "disability" line? Looking at the way the public service sector (wherever you are) defines that line doesn't help answer that question. The range is too broad; I'm "mildly" disabled at worst (by local standards), and I (stand?) in the same line with people who need far greater accommodations than I. In fact, one of the issues I've struggled with most is in that comparison of limitations. It's pretty humbling to ask for help along with people I very well could be helping myself.

There's a divide (my perception) between overt standards of ability (e.g., a job description) and the routine assumptions we all make about the abilities of people we interact with daily. Hearing ability is an obvious example (I can do the job - but whoops! - I need accommodation to fully function at meetings - that question can't even be asked legally in the U.S.) I'm reminded of recent job applications I've submitted (for jobs that don't involve driving - for a large, "culturally sensitive" company) in which an actual requirement in the job description is "A valid California drivers license and a vehicle." Well, that's an overt standard, anyway.

"Why don't you wear a button?" ("Hard of Hearing...") - asked by a wise and well-meaning counselor at my (alcohol) recovery program. Well, why don't I? I probably will, at some point. Resistance? I hate reminding myself of my limitations, let alone reminding other people when my limitations don't even apply - again, the button is a shotgun where a scalpel is the preferred instrument. I just can't figure out where to find the scalpel. Or the scalpel is simply me saying "please... I'm hard of hearing... slow down." But I won't always say it - (got assertiveness?) - so the button is the thing.

So the whole thing, as always, boils down to my attitude. To the extent that I'm willing to assert the truth of who I am without shame or fear to the people who matter (that's everybody I meet or interact with), I will be effectively moving forward in a life worth living. Same as everyone else. Same as you.

With gratitude.

The Dog Disaster

"You could just put them outside or in their kennels, but if you leave them in, be sure to close all the doors inside the house."

Dog sitting for only about half the day, these were the instructions given me by my sister regarding her two (very pampered) dogs under my care; Arti, a medium-big brown shepherd/lab/something mix, and Diego, a medium-tiny black chihuahua (see suspects photos below).

So off I went to a meeting, only to be gone for a couple hours, but remembering my instructions, I dutifully closed all inner doors, leaving the pups in their usual spot - the main living area - even checking for obvious dog-attractors (Diego has a known chewing addiction).

On return (great meeting), well, I'll let the photo tell the rest of the story:

Here are the suspects mug shots:

The Likely Culprit

The Silent Witness/Accomplice

Estimate of Items Destroyed/Eaten:

1 Box Kleenex Tissue
1 Roll Scotch Tape
1 Containment Box (holiday light strings - cardboard, fortunately, is a favorite)
1 Containment Bag (small wood kindling)

Other Notable Items (disarray):

1 Table Lamp (overturned)
1 Compact Fluorescent Bulb (not associated with previous - apparently undamaged)

All told, some rollicking good fun was had in my absence (I'm envious). Punishment (of pets) at that time being pointless, I simply took pictures, and cleaned up the mess (the house had been cleaned thoroughly only two days before).

I knew there's a reason I have a blog.

Got any of your own home pet disaster stories? Feel free to comment.

Moon Watcher Chronicles - The Old and the New

Happily resigning myself to my chronomical fate, 12:40 a.m., I'm not still up, I'm 5 hours rested, and ready to write. The striking thing about this is the powerlessness of the (still present) voices of the committee - the ones that test and judge my every thought to see if it meets the stringent criteria of anxious conformance to a long dead standard of perfection. Chronomical probably isn't a word - see?

Their powerlessness is in direct contrast with the serene voice of that power I've connected with in my recovery - reference your God (the one that gives you serenity); you understand in principle if not particular.

The strangest place to find fear today is in the melding of my old patterns of thinking, feeling, relating, with the new ones. First, that somewhere in the echos of those old patterns lies a trap set by my enemy - the dark hole I fell into before (that hole - the trap; my enemy - me and the committee).

But there's joyous adventure in rediscovering my path around the fears - turns out the committee has a benign role in reminding me to pay attention where I walk; when adjudicated by my Higher Power, with calm acceptance of the good parts of the path - where friendship and love reside - the sharp, observant voices become a gift to share. I'm guessing that the the actual sentence above is before and after the two hyphens (but it's only a guess).

Since I can haz my own blog (I love lol cats), I can start posts with mind-numbing monologue like that above and get away with it (here).


I ran across an old friend (the friendship, not the person) on YM yesterday, and though I only had a few minutes, I was happy re-connecting after about a year. My old friends (the sober ones) are the jewels I'm finding in my adventure today - even as I'm making new friends in my recovery. And who knew, I have a past in recovery too - I ran into another old (this time the person qualifies, somewhat) friend yesterday as well. This person had known me in the earliest part of my nearly 12 months of sobriety, back in December/January - before I went into the Salvation Army ARC. Nice to reconnect all around.

My first few days out are a mix of reconnecting, connecting, staying connected, and doing job/housing search. I'm also beginning to put together the curriculum for a beginning computer class I've volunteered to teach at the SA-ARC. Part of giving back in gratitude. This weekend I'm keeping a new pattern, with lots of meetings planned - some back in Oakland (a reasonable transit ride from Richmond). All of this represents a momentum I don't want to lose in my recovery, and so far, so good.

Happy Black Friday! (USA)

Greetings Shoppers! This is the annual day of your greatest influence on American society! While on other days you may be maligned, misunderstood, (taken to the cleaners), and called all manner of ugly names like "capitalist pawn", today (and only today) you are revered and worshiped by the mightiest leaders of American (and international!) business and finance. You are king/queen(/other) for the day! You alone (well, alone en masse) impact the profitability (for the whole year!) of businesses from the largest to the smallest. Even your tiniest contribution to this great commercial enterprise counts, so please do your part - for the good of merchandising everywhere!

Unfortunately, I, as your faithful cheerleader, can only stand on the sidelines today, and watch you perform your magic with pride and longing in my heart. If only I could stand with you, my heroes, on the sales floor, bustling and bargaining with plastic and paper - nay, even with bits and bytes, would I attack and slay the dragons of overpricing with online shopping! But alas, I have neither plastic, nor paper today, and all of my bits and bytes have leaked out of the holes I shamefully ignored for so long in my (now defunct) bank accounts and credit rating.

-----------------------------------------------------------

No, but really - it's quite the interesting perspective, to actually be unable to participate in America's favorite shopping day; given that I've always had a "philosophical" resistance to doing so (as evidenced in sarcasm above). I'd be hypocritical if I gloated from some "moral" hilltop, when I know perfectly well I'd be in the fray myself if I could - and I'm out of the fray by my own hand. What I recognize today is that - good or bad - I am, and have always been, a part of the process, and have reaped all of the benefits thereof. That (commercial/industrial/financial) process is one reason I can sit here online in comfort and rail against its excesses.

So once again, the watchword for today is gratitude. Appreciating the good things that life (even the rampant commercialism embedded in our holidays) brings me - my connections with other people, and with God, who calls me to accept, with serenity, the way life is, rather than how I would make it. Realizing that a world designed by Paul, though that control would please him for a bit, would most likely be a nightmare beyond all reckoning (for example, my self-designed alcoholic nightmare). And that this "two-sided" blog post represents a personal paradigm shift for my built-in cynicism; turns out my cynicism (a character defect when used unwisely) can be a valuable thing when I turn it over with humility. Who'da thunk?

So shop if you will (and can), but do it with love and wisdom - I think that might just work.

Speaking of charities - Happy Thanksgiving!

This is a response to a post on a favorite list of mine, that after I wrote it, really feel it belongs on my blog, because it speaks to the wider community of readers (I like to believe I have). The referenced story link (and thanks to the poster for this) is:

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/24/homeless-organization-called-fraud/?8au&emc=au


To all who celebrate it (and hey, to all that don't as well - it's a day, isn't it?) Happy Thanksgiving!

The subject of giving (or not) to the homeless (be it random or organized) is certainly near to me these days, as I'm TECHNICALLY homeless today, and lived in a homeless shelter for a couple weeks in January of this year (today I'm thankful to celebrate Thanksgiving while living temporarily in the home of my dear sister).

You might not believe this, but my adamant urging to anyone is do not give money to beggars or allegedly homeless people on the street! Regardless of the truth or falsehood of their status, you are not helping them (please don't buy their newspapers either).

You can absolutely give money, time, or anything else to the well known reputable organized charities that continuously (not just at holiday times) provide all manner of services to the homeless and indigent in your community (if it's of any notable size). The Salvation Army (dear to my heart now, of course) is an obvious example, and there are many, many others.

I write this from experience - having lived in a shelter myself and spoken with many people who've done the homeless gig (some for a very long time) for all manner of different reasons - some that would meet with "social approval" and some that would certainly not - all in the "same boat" together.

The reason you are not helping the homeless by giving money to them directly is because you are unintentionally supporting the indigent lifestyle - and no, it doesn't always involve substance abuse, but it does involve what I struggle to describe as the "attitude of indigence." Everyone's got their own story, complex or simple, and I've had mine too. When, for whatever reason, you don't have a place to stay/sleep/eat, etc., you go wherever you can and do whatever (and I mean whatever) you need to do to survive another day - and things like conscience, healthy shame, self-respect, all that stuff that knits our society together become secondary priorities, if even that. For myself, I actually turned down one offer by a new friend in the shelter to learn to "hustle" by joining them in front of a store, but I have to say it was it was tempting at that time.

And as for the organized evil described by the linked story, that's life on life's terms - the sharks are everywhere, and not just on the street, BTW (look at what's come to light recently in the name of the Deaf and HOH communities - nothing new under the sun).

This is NOT a cynical rant - I am utterly unable to express my gratitude for the people and organizations who have assisted me (and continue to do so) as I've struggled up from the pit of my self-made despair. And my hope for my future resides entirely in my giving back- time, service, skills, money, you name it - to my community. That is the real Thanksgiving, and it's not a holiday, it's every moment of every day.

Be blessed, all.

Remembering Freedom

One o'clock in the morning, and I'm (more or less) wide awake.

Not a gripe, honestly, just a fact, and a flood of remembering/realizations.

This is called Freedom.

Two days ago, I was physically released from a (mental) prison. The Salvation Army ARC is not a prison - the door is always open (for exit), as they say. Addiction (alcoholism, etc.), and its consequences, are a prison, with chains and bars as strong as any physical cell.

Today, I am free to sit in a soft chair at 1 am, in a quiet, dark room, a computer on my lap; attempting to capture with words the gratitude I'm feeling for the seemingly smallest freedom (really, the most profound freedom there is). One of the 9th step promises (typically read to close AA meetings) says "That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear." It's really true. It really does disappear, replaced by a calm (serenity) realization that nothing is wrong or out of order in my life today - though "rational" judgment (old thinking pattern) would scream otherwise.

I'm reminded of a person I love who's clearly having a bad time of things, and can't help (and I understand the feeling) being bitter (and complaining). I really do understand, and there's something I really want to tell that person (who knows? perhaps it's you!) from where I'm sitting - outside the prison.

That thing is this: To get out of that prison, nothing has to change except your mind.

There aren't any words that describe adequately what serenity (gratitude - flip the coin) feels like. I notice people on the street (strangers) wanting to talk to me - we're all attracted by serenity (amid the gaggle of less productive attractions, admittedly).

I want to drive home that message (the one-liner above) with rational comparison (you do the math):

- hard of hearing
- sometimes (rarely, really) dizzy enough to barf
- unemployed
- homeless (technically - I love that word, spoken from the comfort of this rocker)
- 50 (by that I mean not 25 - the physical annoyances)
- alcoholic (an incurable, fatal illness)

Serene, grateful.

- I really appreciate what it means to listen
- with rare exceptions, I walk absolutely anywhere I need to be (and hardly ever barf)
- I have the opportunity to choose and do my real work thoughtfully
- I am home wherever I am (right here, right now)
- I know and understand so many (helpful) things today that I couldn't possibly understand at 25
- I have a daily reprieve based on the maintenance of my spiritual condition (12 steps) - and I have serenity

The first list is appearance - outside.
The second list is reality - inside.

The cynic (old me) will say I don't know their pain. You're right, I don't. I only know mine. Pain is fear distilled to its hopeless essence. Being drunk on pain is the loneliest place in the world. But no amount of pity (self or otherwise) can cure it - nor can cynicism (I tried that for most of my life).

What cures it is conscious contact with God (whatever that means to you) - something that replaces fear with serenity. That serenity isn't situational or circumstantial. It isn't found by thinking (and definitely not found by thinking with a broken alcoholic brain). Situations and circumstances are adventures now. Pain is still annoying, but that's life on life's terms. When I appreciate that, I can appreciate you. And appreciation (gratitude) is the opposite of loneliness.

I'm Paul, and I'm going back to bed. :)

Life Approaches...

A Thursday evening here at "Sally" (Salvation Army Oakland ARC), and I have no (in-house) program activities scheduled (a busy night for most beneficiaries) - I'll likely catch an outside meeting later.

Today, I'd say I've officially begun the "wrap up" process before my final exit this coming Monday, the 23rd.

I started my day with a trip to the EDD (since I couldn't raise them on the phone) to try getting my unemployment insurance situation on track - successfully; it'll be a while before I see anything from it, but a coming phone interview will likely qualify me for payments within about 30 days - if I'm not actually working by then.

I'm still in active job & housing search, of course (and thanks to family, I don't expect to land on the street), but will be surprised if I see any serious movement on either before my exit from here on Monday. I spoke with Larry today on details of my exit plan - several documentation items I need for EDD, SS/GA, DOR, and various loose ends to tie up here. Nothing monumental, and it sounds like it will go smoothly.

I've been noting a number of "lasts" as they go by. I attended my last (required) Bible Study - Tuesday, and Wed Chapel service (there's one more Sunday service). I'll do my last "work therapy" stint tomorrow (Friday) afternoon (I'm taking the morning on pass, but want to be there for the closing buzzer in the afternoon) - and will receive my last "gratuity" allowance after work (I'll likely have some extra "canteen cards" to give away Sunday night - or keep for alumni visits).

My feelings right now are a combination of relief, excitement, and sadness (again, very little worry - an amazing gift of recovery). A fact I've learned (and accepted) about myself is that I'm one of those people who feel "leavings" pretty deeply - whether it's me or someone else doing the leaving - and it doesn't seem to matter much about "pros vs. cons" of same. No drama here, just a real feeling that I get to actually experience sober - and I'm grateful for that. Of course, I'm not breaking contact with this place or these people; I'll be back (when possible) as an alumnus (volunteer/participant), and I'll be leaving my contact info posted for both staff & beneficiaries who care to follow my exploits.

What better time to turn to poetry - something I penned on 10/20/2009, no doubt in response to my graduation one day hence (and yes, I forget the triggers behind many of my poetic endeavors)...

----------------------------------

Leaving Again

Tell me of tomorrow
Before I leave today
Tell me you remember well
A place we cannot stay

I could grieve the embers
The fire that stole my home
Home is but another place
Where embers die alone

The longer that I tarry
The more bereft it seems
Those travelers with smiling eyes
Sail by as in a dream

Now it's I who have to go
A space where once I stood
A silent voice, an empty chair
A hopeful thought for good

But we'll be there together
And time will gently ease
The sorrows of our parting
With memories like these

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Life approaches, and I await my next adventure with serenity and enthusiasm.

Current State of Affairs

Monday, 11/16/2009

Per Larry/Priscilla (Reentry Coordinator/Director of Rehabilitation Services) I have permission to stay here at Salvation Army (SA) through the weekend of Nov 21,22. I am quite sure I must leave after that.

I have applied for General Assistance (GA, aka Welfare) a the Department of Social Services (SS). I saw an eligibility counselor today and qualified for the Welfare to Work program. They still need three documents from me (financial evidence), two of which I have as of today, one I'm still working on getting (below).

I spoke today to a man who is opening a transitional home in Oakland that sounds just perfect for me - however I don't qualify right now because I don't have a job; he says GA doesn't pay enough. The rent is only $450/mo with a $150 deposit for the smallest room he has - but they're single bed rooms, which is certainly appealing. I told him I'd check back with him when I do find employment (or get unemployment - again, below).

I tried to get a hold of EDD by phone today to find out how to handle the situation; I applied for unemployment back in November 2008, when I lost my job. I did qualify, but didn't collect any checks. The SS/GA folks think I can probably still get it, but may have to re-file. I lack a lot of information I need (my end) to do so. Their phone lines are nuts - due to some benefits extension legislation, they're flooded with calls, and only open the phones from 5 p.m. to 6 p.m. on weekdays. I tried calling for that whole hour today, and never got through. I'll be looking at alternatives (buried somewhere, I hope) on their web page. I also need evidence of application for the SS/GA folks (see above).

I got a very promising lead on a job in downtown San Francisco via e-mail today. I called immediately, and spoke to the tech recruiter. He seemed very convinced I'm a "good fit" (I agree), and he's passing my resume along.

Monday, November 23rd will be a very busy day for me. I have another GA/FSET (food stamps) information meeting (mandatory for GA participation) down at Social Services. My DOR (Department of Rehab - disability) contact has also e-mailed me requesting I call her on the 23rd to set up a meeting (she's out of office this week). This, of course, also happens to be the day I leave the SA.

I'm still applying for every posting/lead I get (from anywhere, anyone) that seems even near reasonable - and a few that are far fetched. Lots of hopeful signs - the movement today was good - but no interviews scheduled as yet.

I'm in a pretty serene place overall - thanks to the program & fellowship of AA and SA.

I did have a couple spiritual victories today, in addition to the good job lead. The first was an opportunity to share a testimony about the SA program with my very friendly eligibility counselor at SS. I told her of my situation, my alcoholism, my recovery, and my gratitude to SA. She said she'd heard it was a good program, though difficult, and I confirmed both. My second small victory was when I stopped at Wells Fargo Bank to get evidence of account closure or zero balance (I knew not which) for my (our) old account with them - unused and empty for almost a year. I found myself easily able to share information about my alcoholism and recovery program with the account representative (an honest explanation of the reason for account inactivity). Though the rep seemed to know little about the disease (she flashed on the passing of my wife - joint account, I had to tell - as a possible factor in my alcoholism - NOT - but I didn't press), she cheerfully got me what I needed, and it didn't cost a dime (which surprised me). She also swallowed without a burp the information I freely offered that I owe them one HOAL of money (though I couldn't say exactly). Dang, there might be something to this honesty stuff after all. It's still a huge future 9th step, but it's a lot less scary now.

As always, my watchwords, and prayers, are patience and perseverance. I'm really seeing the benefits of recovery ala the AA program, as I slog through the process of finding job and home, and though aware of the future, and planning as best I can, "worrying" these days only about doing the right things I can do today, and leaving the worries of tomorrow where they belong instead of inviting them over the time barrier for a visit. Not that I always get it perfect, but I do get it.

How Telling Your Product From Far Eastern

Thank you for proudly puchase of RocketTech(tm) 600 Can Opener/Knife Sharpener.
Product design many years happy usage.

Operation Instruction
---------------------

Warning!!! Important Safety Instruction!

Mis-use of product not labeled death or serious injury.
Never frayed or broken power cord use.
Keep fingers from sharp edges.
Young children not use please - important supervise children.

Quick Instruction
-----------------

Choose can or knife sharpen function switch (top of unit).

Can

Press handle firmly down.Important: Hold down until cycle complete. Other hand catch can prevent spillage.

Careful lid - sharp edge!

Knife

No serrated!
Never children sharpen unsuperv.
Pull knife toward you - don't push.
3 or 4 times.
Only clean washed knive please.

Detail Instruction
------------------


Warranty Service
----------------

30 days - Return place of purchase along with receipt. Not responsible for mis-use.

Finding Gratitude

Here it is, a Sunday afternoon off at the Salvation Army ARC. Little to do but meditate and write - both good things for the soul - at least for awhile. I've always had some difficulty with unstructured time (a favorite pastime, of course, being to drink). Funny thing, boredom - a wise person once told me that there's no such thing as "being bored" - only "being boring" - I cannot but agree).

I used to equate boredom with loneliness, and though they are certainly close bedfellows, I now know they're not the same - for my "boredom" today is merely circumstantial (and actually, rather appreciated, in a weary introvert sort of way). My life these days is (for the most part) filled with such structure, and ever-increasing "busy-ness" (including much valued socializing), that I could hardly categorize myself as lonely - my connections to numerous other people being quite strong, secure, safe, pleasant; all those loneliness banishing qualities felt even as I write this. This, a gift of my recovery, engenders a deep sense of gratitude for the people in my life, and for the removal of the social fears that my working those 12 steps has brought me so far.

I sit today in what I can only characterize as a strange "phase" of my ongoing life-transformation. I know, with a certainty that pervades my being, that I'm poised to dive into a quality of living (or will I just slowly glide into same?) that is profoundly better than anything I've experienced before. It's not that I expect to have money, a home, or any of my materialistic desires (I'm normal in that sense); rather, I expect my recent discovery of me - the person I am when I'm in "fit spiritual condition" - to increase in depth (so long as I continue my investment in my recovery), bringing me serenity in any circumstance. The promises of recovery occur on the inside - that the "outside promises" (material) should happen also as a result isn't surprising, but neither are they a given. They turn out to be somewhat irrelevant next to the internally felt gifts I've already received.

Case in point; I'm currently enmeshed in a job search which is definitely going slower than I'd like - both in terms of my ability to engage it (somewhat held back by my continued presence here at the SA-ARC), and the tenuous results of said engagement. Remarkably (for me, compared to my "old" thinking style and feelings), my only worries about my situation come in the form of being slightly annoyed with so many people asking me repeatedly "how's the job search going?" I usually tell them something to the effect that "It's going... the same... slow..." and that I'm not worried about the 'when' and 'what' of it. And that's true - because I'm really not - and that's as amazing to me as it might be to anyone.

And no, I haven't missed the point that my annoyance with the question, slight though it may be, is reflective of my own unfinished state of recovery - I know that everyone who asks me that question is well-meaning, and in reality, I wouldn't have them stop asking for the world, for it reflects their concern, identification, and compassion for me as a recovering alcoholic searching for employment. So my annoyance, like my trouble with alcohol, is of my own making. The cure for it is the same: the spiritual solution I've been given through my recovery program.

So my focus now is on gratitude for that program, and for all the people in my life who are encouraging me, supporting me and my recovery, and even working, in some cases, behind the scenes (think of L in my previous post) to help me in this process. Gratitude is something that, as an alcoholic, with a self-centered, egotistical ("...maladjusted to life, ...full flight from reality, ...outright mental defectives.") alcoholic brain, I must practice every day if I am to stay in fit spiritual condition and maintain my recovery. My natural reaction to life (and people) is the cynical one - where there's something wrong with you and your motives. That reaction is soundly grounded in fear. And fear is the opposite of faith - and is one of the character defects I've asked the God of my understanding to remove.

And the God of my understanding definitely wants me to concentrate on my gratitude today - he's got a good sense of humor - in both of the speaker meetings I attended yesterday, the speakers chose "gratitude" as the topic for discussion. And it was yesterday I realized that gratitude is indeed something I have to practice - it's a new style of thinking for this alcoholic, and since we've already established above that it isn't natural for me, I have to approach it as a structured mental activity, to be practice daily if I want it to stick (and I do, because I know it's a cornerstone of my continued recovery). Prayer and meditation are good for this, and so are lots of meetings - being regularly reminded of just how bad my condition was, and how much worse it could easily be (because it's so easy for my broken alcoholic brain to forget those things) is a key part of my gratitude: that I don't have to drink today.

If you, the reader, feel like commenting, please share what you're grateful for today - whether you're in recovery, or just plain grateful. I'm grateful in advance for your thoughts.

Paul S

And On It Goes...

This past Tuesday, I had my long-awaited appointment with a counselor at the California Department of Rehabilitation (DOR). My purpose was to get advice on how to handle my dual disability (Meniere's) - sporadic vertigo and hard of hearing (HOH).

I'm happy to report a good experience with a very professional and knowledgeable counselor (L). L was very thorough in conducting our interview, and asking all the right questions about my disabilities - and also in figuring out which boxes to check on the standardized forms to shoehorn me into a good fit for the DOR services. To my slight surprise, she also categorized my alcoholism as a disability - honoring the "disease" model of alcoholism, which I hadn't really expected from a public agency. That being said, I still don't personally press that point in my own view of my limitations and needed accommodations - since my ongoing experiences of the promises from working the 12 steps of AA seem more like an empowerment to me than any sort of disability.

At the end of our interview, L informed me that I very likely qualify to receive DOR services, which could include things like transit passes, and certainly assistance in placement with an employer who will accommodate me - though, of course, my application is still being processed. To my question "How should I address my disabilities to prospective employers?", L gave a clear and firm answer - "YOU DON'T! - you'll just get yourself written off before you can even apply." Better, she told me, to apply and interview on my professional merits only, and deal with disability issues as they crop up once I'm hired.

One thing L did do for me that flies slightly in the face of that advice was to hook me up with a web-based staffing agency for the disabled called AbiliCorp. L even went so far as to e-mail me a job-posting list for my area of experience she'd recently gotten from them. I was then able to log into the AbiliCorp site, post my resume, and apply for several positions in the San Francisco Bay Area (where I am at present). As an addendum, today I visited the office of the Employment Development Department, who, among other services, are providing me with a message phone number (written message posted on the EDD bulletin board) to use on my resume/application. After only two days, I saw today a message posted for me from an AbiliCorp representative who'd found and spoken with a prospective employer who was impressed by my resume. Though I haven't got an interview yet, the representative says he's pressing for that - all good news.

In addition to that, I still have many other "irons in the fire" - and am consistently submitting applications as I almost daily receive relevant job listings through Monster and elsewhere. I'm still living (post graduate extension) at the Salvation Army ARC - my last day here will be Nov 17th. Though my housing situation after that is still uncertain, I've got leads I'm working there also.

As always, my thanks to all of you who have sent words of encouragement and good advice.

Paul S

PS: I now have a blog strictly dedicated to my resume and job search: Paul L Schneider - feel free to visit, and pass it along!