Finding Gratitude

Here it is, a Sunday afternoon off at the Salvation Army ARC. Little to do but meditate and write - both good things for the soul - at least for awhile. I've always had some difficulty with unstructured time (a favorite pastime, of course, being to drink). Funny thing, boredom - a wise person once told me that there's no such thing as "being bored" - only "being boring" - I cannot but agree).

I used to equate boredom with loneliness, and though they are certainly close bedfellows, I now know they're not the same - for my "boredom" today is merely circumstantial (and actually, rather appreciated, in a weary introvert sort of way). My life these days is (for the most part) filled with such structure, and ever-increasing "busy-ness" (including much valued socializing), that I could hardly categorize myself as lonely - my connections to numerous other people being quite strong, secure, safe, pleasant; all those loneliness banishing qualities felt even as I write this. This, a gift of my recovery, engenders a deep sense of gratitude for the people in my life, and for the removal of the social fears that my working those 12 steps has brought me so far.

I sit today in what I can only characterize as a strange "phase" of my ongoing life-transformation. I know, with a certainty that pervades my being, that I'm poised to dive into a quality of living (or will I just slowly glide into same?) that is profoundly better than anything I've experienced before. It's not that I expect to have money, a home, or any of my materialistic desires (I'm normal in that sense); rather, I expect my recent discovery of me - the person I am when I'm in "fit spiritual condition" - to increase in depth (so long as I continue my investment in my recovery), bringing me serenity in any circumstance. The promises of recovery occur on the inside - that the "outside promises" (material) should happen also as a result isn't surprising, but neither are they a given. They turn out to be somewhat irrelevant next to the internally felt gifts I've already received.

Case in point; I'm currently enmeshed in a job search which is definitely going slower than I'd like - both in terms of my ability to engage it (somewhat held back by my continued presence here at the SA-ARC), and the tenuous results of said engagement. Remarkably (for me, compared to my "old" thinking style and feelings), my only worries about my situation come in the form of being slightly annoyed with so many people asking me repeatedly "how's the job search going?" I usually tell them something to the effect that "It's going... the same... slow..." and that I'm not worried about the 'when' and 'what' of it. And that's true - because I'm really not - and that's as amazing to me as it might be to anyone.

And no, I haven't missed the point that my annoyance with the question, slight though it may be, is reflective of my own unfinished state of recovery - I know that everyone who asks me that question is well-meaning, and in reality, I wouldn't have them stop asking for the world, for it reflects their concern, identification, and compassion for me as a recovering alcoholic searching for employment. So my annoyance, like my trouble with alcohol, is of my own making. The cure for it is the same: the spiritual solution I've been given through my recovery program.

So my focus now is on gratitude for that program, and for all the people in my life who are encouraging me, supporting me and my recovery, and even working, in some cases, behind the scenes (think of L in my previous post) to help me in this process. Gratitude is something that, as an alcoholic, with a self-centered, egotistical ("...maladjusted to life, ...full flight from reality, ...outright mental defectives.") alcoholic brain, I must practice every day if I am to stay in fit spiritual condition and maintain my recovery. My natural reaction to life (and people) is the cynical one - where there's something wrong with you and your motives. That reaction is soundly grounded in fear. And fear is the opposite of faith - and is one of the character defects I've asked the God of my understanding to remove.

And the God of my understanding definitely wants me to concentrate on my gratitude today - he's got a good sense of humor - in both of the speaker meetings I attended yesterday, the speakers chose "gratitude" as the topic for discussion. And it was yesterday I realized that gratitude is indeed something I have to practice - it's a new style of thinking for this alcoholic, and since we've already established above that it isn't natural for me, I have to approach it as a structured mental activity, to be practice daily if I want it to stick (and I do, because I know it's a cornerstone of my continued recovery). Prayer and meditation are good for this, and so are lots of meetings - being regularly reminded of just how bad my condition was, and how much worse it could easily be (because it's so easy for my broken alcoholic brain to forget those things) is a key part of my gratitude: that I don't have to drink today.

If you, the reader, feel like commenting, please share what you're grateful for today - whether you're in recovery, or just plain grateful. I'm grateful in advance for your thoughts.

Paul S