While I'm at it:
Is your cell phone secure?
Latest Activities/Musings
I've actually received my first unemployment check from EDD! It was a long time coming, and a lot of bureaucratic effort, but it paid off. CASHING said checks is quite another story for yours truly - due to my being blacklisted from normal banking services. So far, holding my breath on a two-party check ATM deposit at my sister's bank.
I've so far had two telephone job interviews - a week apart; one for the company I'd worked for previously, one for another large healthcare organization - both for quite reasonable positions, and both with moderately promising results. No resting on the daily push though - I'm still responding to unrelated posts as they come in from the many job search engines I'm subscribed to. I'm also ramping up on a free 3 month trial of UpMo - a rather unique "Intelligent Job Hunt" and networking site. It's a bit of a learning curve to use their unique style of explicitly networked job seeking, but it does look quite interesting and rich in helpful info. With that in mind...
The Job is Networking (Writing)
Landing squarely on the last day of 2009, it occurs to me that my primary job for at least the first few days of 2010 (I can always hope for less "free" time) is Networking - the traditional meaning of that word, not specifically the technical; though for me, of course, the primary medium is the via the latter. Going a bit deeper still, it seems my focus needs to shift slightly from my prior technically oriented career pursuits to the related pursuit of my first passion - the very activity I'm engaged in - writing (any and every mode).
Look for increasing activity on this blog, and hopefully some of my other social networking domains as well.
A Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Old Tech
Yesterday, digging through some of my old stuff that my sister stashed for me, I encountered a gadget (I never owned - some of their stuff is mixed in with mine) that rather fascinated me; an old (but new looking) Psion PDA. Being always the techno-curious sort, I plumbed the thing together with its battery charger, and fooled around with it this morning to see what tricks it could do. I also downloaded a PDF user manual for it - noting that the manufacturer (Psion) is now defunct.
Silly thing actually works fine, and noting that its original retail price was probably in excess of $100 (way back when non-cellular PDAs were "nifty"), I did my very best to try to figure out what this gizmo might add to my life/routine. Sadly, the answer, after much fiddling, was zilch. My current (near bottom of the line) cell phone is more capable overall in terms of life management (it has many PDA style organizer functions embedded). Between that and the notebook PC I'm writing this on, the (then) snazzy little PDA is 100% obsolete. I'll be putting it in the donations bag along with all the other electronic "junk" we've come across.
Those of you who know me can likely predict where this leads me - to the philosophical (yet strangely practical) issue of "whither thou goest, latest and greatest technology - aye, to the junk heap!"
Certainly, the junking of old technology is nothing new in itself - no doubt the very first plough got tossed into the then equivalent of the backyard junk pile when a new and better version came along. What's astounding to me today is the exponentially accelerating pace of this process I've seen in my own lifetime. Witness the very cell phone that trumped the PDA above; guess how many "junk" cell phones go through the Salvation Army electronics section in a week? I can tell you from my stint there, it's a literal pile - we counted them into boxes of 50 or so, and they got shipped to an (unknown to me) cell phone recycler (one can only hope/imagine what that "recycling" process looks like). For something like cell phones, it's sales shelf to junk bin in far less than a year on average. And how many people in our society carry cell phones?
I'm a trend-bucker, to some degree, in that process. My current cell phone is actually several years old, and rather "minimalist" in terms of features - and it suits me just fine with the new SIM card I bought for it so I could have the pay-as-you-go plan I need currently (at zero income without help, I can't afford to pay for even one minute I don't use). I'll probably keep that phone until it breaks (or I do, or it becomes useless on the latest wireless network) - because I've never had much use for tiny objects that pretense to run my life for me.
Same thing with this notebook - it's a refurbished machine (a pretty decent one even for today), shipped to me with Vista on it (which I hate with a passion - apparently not alone), and outside of upgrading the OS with a "downgrade" to XP if I can ever afford it, I'm not liable to change a thing or want anything new for quite awhile - as long as it still works.
I'm also a "late adopter" of technology, as the OS enlightened realized in reading the paragraph above - yes, I've heard of Windows 7. No, you won't see me going near that one (unless it's dumped on me, like Vista was) until it has a track record of stability equaling or rivaling XP. Meanwhile, here comes (maybe) Google Chrome, and a whole new paradigm of network embedded computing - which likewise will prove itself to me when it does. Am I stodgy? Probably. Then again, everything "new and improved" (Google "oxymoron") has a cost - and personally, I'm broke, and even though that will no doubt change radically in the future, I've meanwhile gotten a hold of some pretty deep values in terms of personal economics. I need what I need, and that can be very different from eye candy (technical or otherwise).
Silly thing actually works fine, and noting that its original retail price was probably in excess of $100 (way back when non-cellular PDAs were "nifty"), I did my very best to try to figure out what this gizmo might add to my life/routine. Sadly, the answer, after much fiddling, was zilch. My current (near bottom of the line) cell phone is more capable overall in terms of life management (it has many PDA style organizer functions embedded). Between that and the notebook PC I'm writing this on, the (then) snazzy little PDA is 100% obsolete. I'll be putting it in the donations bag along with all the other electronic "junk" we've come across.
Those of you who know me can likely predict where this leads me - to the philosophical (yet strangely practical) issue of "whither thou goest, latest and greatest technology - aye, to the junk heap!"
Certainly, the junking of old technology is nothing new in itself - no doubt the very first plough got tossed into the then equivalent of the backyard junk pile when a new and better version came along. What's astounding to me today is the exponentially accelerating pace of this process I've seen in my own lifetime. Witness the very cell phone that trumped the PDA above; guess how many "junk" cell phones go through the Salvation Army electronics section in a week? I can tell you from my stint there, it's a literal pile - we counted them into boxes of 50 or so, and they got shipped to an (unknown to me) cell phone recycler (one can only hope/imagine what that "recycling" process looks like). For something like cell phones, it's sales shelf to junk bin in far less than a year on average. And how many people in our society carry cell phones?
I'm a trend-bucker, to some degree, in that process. My current cell phone is actually several years old, and rather "minimalist" in terms of features - and it suits me just fine with the new SIM card I bought for it so I could have the pay-as-you-go plan I need currently (at zero income without help, I can't afford to pay for even one minute I don't use). I'll probably keep that phone until it breaks (or I do, or it becomes useless on the latest wireless network) - because I've never had much use for tiny objects that pretense to run my life for me.
Same thing with this notebook - it's a refurbished machine (a pretty decent one even for today), shipped to me with Vista on it (which I hate with a passion - apparently not alone), and outside of upgrading the OS with a "downgrade" to XP if I can ever afford it, I'm not liable to change a thing or want anything new for quite awhile - as long as it still works.
I'm also a "late adopter" of technology, as the OS enlightened realized in reading the paragraph above - yes, I've heard of Windows 7. No, you won't see me going near that one (unless it's dumped on me, like Vista was) until it has a track record of stability equaling or rivaling XP. Meanwhile, here comes (maybe) Google Chrome, and a whole new paradigm of network embedded computing - which likewise will prove itself to me when it does. Am I stodgy? Probably. Then again, everything "new and improved" (Google "oxymoron") has a cost - and personally, I'm broke, and even though that will no doubt change radically in the future, I've meanwhile gotten a hold of some pretty deep values in terms of personal economics. I need what I need, and that can be very different from eye candy (technical or otherwise).
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Joy of Text
A personal blessing that occurred to me recently is that I swim freely through a world that few of my peers know, except in passing. It's a world I dived into decades ago, when most of our society was oblivious to its existence; many thought the whole concept (and probably me) nuts. It's a world that's since been molded into the very fabric of our modern culture, in the very specific ways that suit the current generation. It's a world that has been superseded by technology enhancements like the World Wide Web, camera phones, and video on demand - yet carries on as if nothing happened. It's a world that comes naturally to writers (avocation) like me. It's the world of electronic plain text communication (I'll shorten it to "text" for this post), in its various forms.
In recent times, the power I tap from my experience in this world has come home to me in a big way, due to my hearing loss. When one loses one's hearing (even partially), the most profound effect I've noticed is the social isolation it causes. Things like hearing aids and other assistive audio technologies help (though not the Deaf), but they can't fully replace a working pair of ears for the day to day social experience every person needs to thrive - and sure, there are lots of folks who are deprived said social experience for a variety of reasons, not just hearing issues. Naturally, those of us who are able turn to the next best thing - writing (text). The key issues there, of course, are ability and availability. And as I'm so frequently discovering for myself lately, the "next best thing" often turns out to be just that - better, in some ways, than the speech ability it replaces.
Ability as an issue reared its ugly head before me the other day when I was volunteer tutoring computer skills for a bunch of Salvation Army beneficiaries in an ad-hoc computer lab there. Though some of these folks have computer skills, most have relatively little knowledge or experience in this realm. What's worse for them, though, is that many of them also have quite limited literacy (reading and writing skills using English - or any language, for that matter). In helping them learn to do things like set up and use email accounts, create resumes, etc., I've had to check myself often that I'm not putting undue expectations of literacy on any given student. These students are highly motivated - they volunteer for this class (and many are also taking a GED course). They know that computer skills are an essential component of most jobs today; and also that said skills can greatly enhance their search for employment when they graduate the program.
I wrote the above paragraph because I want to point out my gratitude that I am both highly literate and live in an age when my literacy, combined with the available technologies, can enable me to thrive, even in the absence of good hearing. This wasn't always so (historically), and it certainly isn't so for those who have limited or no functional literacy. Hence I have also volunteered (yet to fulfill) to tutor literacy at the same facility (something I have prior experience in elsewhere) - for that very reason: gratitude.
What really drove me to this post today was my re-growing social experience through real-time text media; most specifically, my participation in chat rooms through Internet Relay Chat (IRC). IRC is a predominantly text based medium that's been around literally for decades (just like me), and is as crazy and full of mindless nonsense as it has always been. Mired in the process though, are real people who, for a variety of reasons, find this method of socializing to be ideal - either in tandem with more natural means, or as one of their primary social outlets. The power of text in this mode comes out for me in the "purity" of communication with others - I can't see them, and that's actually a good thing; I'm not distracted by visual cues. It's easier to be "real" and efficient when you're not so distracted - witness the (still) entrenchment of the voice telephone (for the hearing-abled) over (now easily available) video conferencing.
IRC is just one example of the power of text for me. Another is the availability of SMS (cell phone) text messaging - something I use many times a day to coordinate my activities in my local social circle. In many instances, a simple "dead-end" (no response required) text message can be more effective than a long, drawn out (and for me, sometimes difficult to understand) phone call. Ability, again, plays a major role - some of us are more skilled and patient with cell phone "keyboarding" than others; I'm not bad at it, but I'm still known to revert to a (happily available!) SMS via Internet service when I'm near my computer.
Text is a limited form of communication, certainly, but hidden in its limitations (for me, anyway) are freedom and power and depth of experience. It's the "power of the pen" literally accelerated by computer technology. This blog is one example. Text doesn't globally replace any other form of communication any more than computers have made printed books obsolete (they haven't come close). For those who have access to it, it's potentially world-expanding; for those who don't, it's another difference to challenge our compassion.
In recent times, the power I tap from my experience in this world has come home to me in a big way, due to my hearing loss. When one loses one's hearing (even partially), the most profound effect I've noticed is the social isolation it causes. Things like hearing aids and other assistive audio technologies help (though not the Deaf), but they can't fully replace a working pair of ears for the day to day social experience every person needs to thrive - and sure, there are lots of folks who are deprived said social experience for a variety of reasons, not just hearing issues. Naturally, those of us who are able turn to the next best thing - writing (text). The key issues there, of course, are ability and availability. And as I'm so frequently discovering for myself lately, the "next best thing" often turns out to be just that - better, in some ways, than the speech ability it replaces.
Ability as an issue reared its ugly head before me the other day when I was volunteer tutoring computer skills for a bunch of Salvation Army beneficiaries in an ad-hoc computer lab there. Though some of these folks have computer skills, most have relatively little knowledge or experience in this realm. What's worse for them, though, is that many of them also have quite limited literacy (reading and writing skills using English - or any language, for that matter). In helping them learn to do things like set up and use email accounts, create resumes, etc., I've had to check myself often that I'm not putting undue expectations of literacy on any given student. These students are highly motivated - they volunteer for this class (and many are also taking a GED course). They know that computer skills are an essential component of most jobs today; and also that said skills can greatly enhance their search for employment when they graduate the program.
I wrote the above paragraph because I want to point out my gratitude that I am both highly literate and live in an age when my literacy, combined with the available technologies, can enable me to thrive, even in the absence of good hearing. This wasn't always so (historically), and it certainly isn't so for those who have limited or no functional literacy. Hence I have also volunteered (yet to fulfill) to tutor literacy at the same facility (something I have prior experience in elsewhere) - for that very reason: gratitude.
What really drove me to this post today was my re-growing social experience through real-time text media; most specifically, my participation in chat rooms through Internet Relay Chat (IRC). IRC is a predominantly text based medium that's been around literally for decades (just like me), and is as crazy and full of mindless nonsense as it has always been. Mired in the process though, are real people who, for a variety of reasons, find this method of socializing to be ideal - either in tandem with more natural means, or as one of their primary social outlets. The power of text in this mode comes out for me in the "purity" of communication with others - I can't see them, and that's actually a good thing; I'm not distracted by visual cues. It's easier to be "real" and efficient when you're not so distracted - witness the (still) entrenchment of the voice telephone (for the hearing-abled) over (now easily available) video conferencing.
IRC is just one example of the power of text for me. Another is the availability of SMS (cell phone) text messaging - something I use many times a day to coordinate my activities in my local social circle. In many instances, a simple "dead-end" (no response required) text message can be more effective than a long, drawn out (and for me, sometimes difficult to understand) phone call. Ability, again, plays a major role - some of us are more skilled and patient with cell phone "keyboarding" than others; I'm not bad at it, but I'm still known to revert to a (happily available!) SMS via Internet service when I'm near my computer.
Text is a limited form of communication, certainly, but hidden in its limitations (for me, anyway) are freedom and power and depth of experience. It's the "power of the pen" literally accelerated by computer technology. This blog is one example. Text doesn't globally replace any other form of communication any more than computers have made printed books obsolete (they haven't come close). For those who have access to it, it's potentially world-expanding; for those who don't, it's another difference to challenge our compassion.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
One Year
Yesterday, I celebrated one year of sobriety from my last dry date of 12/12/2008. And what a year it has been!
First, an inscription from a gift my sister gave me to mark this milestone:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Press on: Nothing in the world can take the place of perseverance.
Talent will not: Nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not: Unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education will not: The world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
Press on!
- Calvin Coolidge
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I like to assume that the genotype is the obvious explanation for the appreciation of values my eldest sister and I share. The best science says that plays a big part, but isn't everything. Perhaps because over the years we've swapped roles as anchors in our various life storms; perhaps the vision wrought by hard experience is indistinguishable from person to person (acknowledging cynicism as the counterpoint view).
Whatever the reason, my sister (as so frequently happens) nailed it.
The key gift that brought me to this point in my recovery was the persistence embodied in the (short form) Serenity Prayer - "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." In my struggle to explain the reason I'm sober today when so many of my peers in "recovery" are not; indeed, in comparing my own failed attempts (relapses) prior to this "...phase of my development...", the only words that come to mind are persistence and dogged determination - not of my own making, but consistent gifts of a Higher Power I neither fully understand nor need to. And that speaks sharply to the intellect that failed me.
Make no mistake - I'm grateful for that intellect that lets me plumb the depths of both the real and the imaginary worlds. But it's a tool - not a god - and therein lies my failure, because I made it the latter. Coolidge could so easily point to me and my life so far as his template for the quote above. I fully believed that my talents, "genius" (intellect), and education made me invincible - with them, I'd solve any problem that cropped up (even alcoholism). But I forgot there is one problem these things couldn't solve - that problem is me. Left to my own devices, I drink, or find myriad other ways to avoid my reality - and in so doing, destroy all hope for my own happiness.
So it is that a year ago yesterday I was hopeless, and finally able to surrender control of my life to an unknown power - with the certitude that no matter the outcome of doing so, it couldn't be worse than my situation at that time. This is the "bottom" that many recovering addicts/alcoholics refer to - the place of complete surrender - and it's different for everyone; some need to be far worse off (materially) than others - but it always represents a complete failure of self-will. We give up, we just can't figure life out.
Today, I still can't figure life out - but I know I no longer need to. I have ever growing faith in a power, far greater than my own talents, intellect, or education that can "figure my life out" for me - and guide me, when I have the humility to ask for guidance, to solutions that give me serenity and peace with the world as it is, and with my fellows. For that, and for them, I am grateful as I begin this, my second year of sobriety - one day at a time.
First, an inscription from a gift my sister gave me to mark this milestone:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Press on: Nothing in the world can take the place of perseverance.
Talent will not: Nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not: Unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education will not: The world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
Press on!
- Calvin Coolidge
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I like to assume that the genotype is the obvious explanation for the appreciation of values my eldest sister and I share. The best science says that plays a big part, but isn't everything. Perhaps because over the years we've swapped roles as anchors in our various life storms; perhaps the vision wrought by hard experience is indistinguishable from person to person (acknowledging cynicism as the counterpoint view).
Whatever the reason, my sister (as so frequently happens) nailed it.
The key gift that brought me to this point in my recovery was the persistence embodied in the (short form) Serenity Prayer - "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." In my struggle to explain the reason I'm sober today when so many of my peers in "recovery" are not; indeed, in comparing my own failed attempts (relapses) prior to this "...phase of my development...", the only words that come to mind are persistence and dogged determination - not of my own making, but consistent gifts of a Higher Power I neither fully understand nor need to. And that speaks sharply to the intellect that failed me.
Make no mistake - I'm grateful for that intellect that lets me plumb the depths of both the real and the imaginary worlds. But it's a tool - not a god - and therein lies my failure, because I made it the latter. Coolidge could so easily point to me and my life so far as his template for the quote above. I fully believed that my talents, "genius" (intellect), and education made me invincible - with them, I'd solve any problem that cropped up (even alcoholism). But I forgot there is one problem these things couldn't solve - that problem is me. Left to my own devices, I drink, or find myriad other ways to avoid my reality - and in so doing, destroy all hope for my own happiness.
So it is that a year ago yesterday I was hopeless, and finally able to surrender control of my life to an unknown power - with the certitude that no matter the outcome of doing so, it couldn't be worse than my situation at that time. This is the "bottom" that many recovering addicts/alcoholics refer to - the place of complete surrender - and it's different for everyone; some need to be far worse off (materially) than others - but it always represents a complete failure of self-will. We give up, we just can't figure life out.
Today, I still can't figure life out - but I know I no longer need to. I have ever growing faith in a power, far greater than my own talents, intellect, or education that can "figure my life out" for me - and guide me, when I have the humility to ask for guidance, to solutions that give me serenity and peace with the world as it is, and with my fellows. For that, and for them, I am grateful as I begin this, my second year of sobriety - one day at a time.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Blessed Incompetence
First, a short distraction, courtesy of my hero, Weird Al Yankovic:
The nightmare of every job seeker:
Skipper Dan
Above is not captioned (sorry, my HOH friends) - here are the lyrics:
Skipper Dan Lyrics
On another note, I had an appointment today with a hearing aid dispenser, courtesy the California Department of Rehabilitation - to get an updated hearing evaluation. My wizened HOH friends will smell something funny with that last statement, I know - but there's an amazing, blessed surprise in the story, and though the names must be changed to protect the guilty, innocent, and just plain crazy (me), the ending has me stoned on gratitude to/for everyone involved.
Bus person that I am, I walked an extra couple blocks to catch the "rapid" version of the bus that would take me most of the way to my appointment, leaving me with about a half-mile walk at the far end; easy for my well-toned walking legs. It took a little hunting through a boardwalk mall to find the actual office. I was almost exactly 1/2 hour early (the natural M/O of this experienced public transit user), and that turned out to be involved in the first big payoff that was cleverly disguised as ineptitude.
A sign on the door read (paraphrase)...
"We're remodeling, and our current location is now... [a backtrack location about 1.5 miles and 1/2 hour walk away]". This was an appointment I'd made by phone the day prior in response to a DOR letter that included the phone number and address (where I was) - and I racked my brain for any recollection of being told this new address on the phone. Either I had been in a flashback blackout (doubtful), or the receptionist/appointment person had forgotten to tell me (most likely). Humility alert!
I absolutely felt (heh) I had to call these folks on my cell phone to let them know I might be late. I know I was angry, but apparently (I'd be told later) I didn't let it show much; I was very sure to let the lady know I was walking. To her credit, she apologized profusely, both on the phone, and in person. Before she could get to the in-person part, I got to do my humility stint by being utterly unable to find the place without repeated guidance over the cell phone - she even had to go out front and wave me down. But I got there, and managed a good performance of humility with gratitude - which garnered me the comment that I was a lot better than some of the other folks she'd encountered (same problem! heh).
Now to the actual "hearing test" - all told, the setup was about what I'd expect from a dispenser (not an audiologist office). I was actually resigned to my fate already, but the technician wasn't! She looked at the letter the DOR sent me and declared "[she] must have goofed - I'm pretty sure they want a state licensed audioligist - they weren't supposed to send you to us!" - I couldn't but agree in principle, but, you see, I had worked so very hard to get there! I must have looked something like the rabbit right before the fox pounces, because the technician decided to ask her supervisor (who figures more prominently later), and he OK'd the test anyway [lest the reader forget, I'm "indigent" and these people know it - they won't be getting a dime anytime soon that doesn't come from the DOR].
So into their portable soundproof booth I went, and did the beepy button thing. The tech lady tried to get fancy and do the bone conduction thing, but she was having trouble getting her (unfamiliar - recall they'd relocated - the office was a disaster) machine to do the requisite narrow-band masking noise for the non-test side [the experienced HOH people just got their revenge for my slights above]. So she called back her supervisor (fuzzy relationship detection) and he twaddled around with it a bit - then declared it functionally useless, along with the speech recognition test, which wasn't happening today. He let me know I needed to reschedule to get the complete test, because the equipment they needed was at their other office. I think I surprised him by being utterly tractable - I just wanted out of there, at that point. I remember thinking "this will make a long blog post" - so right I was.
In talking to me, this supervisor (I know his name, but I'll call him Bill), queried me about my hearing aids, which I'd mentioned on the intake form, and which, in fact, I had with me. I wound up telling Bill the summary version of my "story", and apparently I twanged a couple of his heart strings in the process. He had some trouble believing the reported behavior of my capricious left HA, and wanted a look at it, so I let him look and play with his stethoscope rig. My issue had been that the aid would "fade out to dead" after a few minutes of usage, battery be damned. He couldn't repeat that scenario on his rig, but I got the effect immediately upon mounting the aid in my ear. It was "intermittent". Bill's eyes lit up then - he was sure I had a "tube problem" - not a problem with the electronics. I let him fiddle with the tube, and then he cleaned it.
It had been at least 6 months, probably closer to 9, since I'd walked around "aided". Though my right (ear) aid was assistive in the pair, it was almost useless alone, so without a functional left, I'd never bothered. You've no doubt guessed my outcome above. Bill said he thought the tube probably had some water in it, and that didn't sound wrong to me, as I'd remembered a rainy day as one of the last good ones. I couldn't do anything but shake Bill's hand and thank him profusely before walking out into the world fully aided again.
Incompetence, ineptitude - this story is full of both, isn't it? Everyone else's - and mine. My whole point in writing about this is that those features of humanity have always driven me nuts, and still can, from time to time. But this time I came home from the circus with a grateful heart. Vive la difference? It's the promises, again. I was able to walk through my crazy world without panic or even any serious high blood pressure. And nobody (including me) needed to have a bad day. Life on life's terms - acceptance. It's a wonderful way to live.
The nightmare of every job seeker:
Skipper Dan
Above is not captioned (sorry, my HOH friends) - here are the lyrics:
Skipper Dan Lyrics
On another note, I had an appointment today with a hearing aid dispenser, courtesy the California Department of Rehabilitation - to get an updated hearing evaluation. My wizened HOH friends will smell something funny with that last statement, I know - but there's an amazing, blessed surprise in the story, and though the names must be changed to protect the guilty, innocent, and just plain crazy (me), the ending has me stoned on gratitude to/for everyone involved.
Bus person that I am, I walked an extra couple blocks to catch the "rapid" version of the bus that would take me most of the way to my appointment, leaving me with about a half-mile walk at the far end; easy for my well-toned walking legs. It took a little hunting through a boardwalk mall to find the actual office. I was almost exactly 1/2 hour early (the natural M/O of this experienced public transit user), and that turned out to be involved in the first big payoff that was cleverly disguised as ineptitude.
A sign on the door read (paraphrase)...
"We're remodeling, and our current location is now... [a backtrack location about 1.5 miles and 1/2 hour walk away]". This was an appointment I'd made by phone the day prior in response to a DOR letter that included the phone number and address (where I was) - and I racked my brain for any recollection of being told this new address on the phone. Either I had been in a flashback blackout (doubtful), or the receptionist/appointment person had forgotten to tell me (most likely). Humility alert!
I absolutely felt (heh) I had to call these folks on my cell phone to let them know I might be late. I know I was angry, but apparently (I'd be told later) I didn't let it show much; I was very sure to let the lady know I was walking. To her credit, she apologized profusely, both on the phone, and in person. Before she could get to the in-person part, I got to do my humility stint by being utterly unable to find the place without repeated guidance over the cell phone - she even had to go out front and wave me down. But I got there, and managed a good performance of humility with gratitude - which garnered me the comment that I was a lot better than some of the other folks she'd encountered (same problem! heh).
Now to the actual "hearing test" - all told, the setup was about what I'd expect from a dispenser (not an audiologist office). I was actually resigned to my fate already, but the technician wasn't! She looked at the letter the DOR sent me and declared "[she] must have goofed - I'm pretty sure they want a state licensed audioligist - they weren't supposed to send you to us!" - I couldn't but agree in principle, but, you see, I had worked so very hard to get there! I must have looked something like the rabbit right before the fox pounces, because the technician decided to ask her supervisor (who figures more prominently later), and he OK'd the test anyway [lest the reader forget, I'm "indigent" and these people know it - they won't be getting a dime anytime soon that doesn't come from the DOR].
So into their portable soundproof booth I went, and did the beepy button thing. The tech lady tried to get fancy and do the bone conduction thing, but she was having trouble getting her (unfamiliar - recall they'd relocated - the office was a disaster) machine to do the requisite narrow-band masking noise for the non-test side [the experienced HOH people just got their revenge for my slights above]. So she called back her supervisor (fuzzy relationship detection) and he twaddled around with it a bit - then declared it functionally useless, along with the speech recognition test, which wasn't happening today. He let me know I needed to reschedule to get the complete test, because the equipment they needed was at their other office. I think I surprised him by being utterly tractable - I just wanted out of there, at that point. I remember thinking "this will make a long blog post" - so right I was.
In talking to me, this supervisor (I know his name, but I'll call him Bill), queried me about my hearing aids, which I'd mentioned on the intake form, and which, in fact, I had with me. I wound up telling Bill the summary version of my "story", and apparently I twanged a couple of his heart strings in the process. He had some trouble believing the reported behavior of my capricious left HA, and wanted a look at it, so I let him look and play with his stethoscope rig. My issue had been that the aid would "fade out to dead" after a few minutes of usage, battery be damned. He couldn't repeat that scenario on his rig, but I got the effect immediately upon mounting the aid in my ear. It was "intermittent". Bill's eyes lit up then - he was sure I had a "tube problem" - not a problem with the electronics. I let him fiddle with the tube, and then he cleaned it.
It had been at least 6 months, probably closer to 9, since I'd walked around "aided". Though my right (ear) aid was assistive in the pair, it was almost useless alone, so without a functional left, I'd never bothered. You've no doubt guessed my outcome above. Bill said he thought the tube probably had some water in it, and that didn't sound wrong to me, as I'd remembered a rainy day as one of the last good ones. I couldn't do anything but shake Bill's hand and thank him profusely before walking out into the world fully aided again.
Incompetence, ineptitude - this story is full of both, isn't it? Everyone else's - and mine. My whole point in writing about this is that those features of humanity have always driven me nuts, and still can, from time to time. But this time I came home from the circus with a grateful heart. Vive la difference? It's the promises, again. I was able to walk through my crazy world without panic or even any serious high blood pressure. And nobody (including me) needed to have a bad day. Life on life's terms - acceptance. It's a wonderful way to live.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Life in the Modern World - Job Applications Online
For many weeks now, I've been seeking employment; in the process, submitting applications by what has become the most common method for most companies of significant size - and many smaller ones as well: online via a corporate website, or via email.
Let me say at the outset that this is quite a welcome change from past methods, with the huge advantage being that I can submit many applications in a single day - greatly improving my odds in the currently horrific job market.
Needless to say, submitting by email is by far the easiest method in general - assuming one has all the information the job posting requests (e.g., cover letter, resume, and other requested details in "electronic" format). Occasionally I've encountered limitations (like "text only" resume requests) that complicate matters somewhat, but with my personal (technology) background, said complications are minor nuisances rather than show-stoppers.
The real inspiration for this post is the online application process via corporate or institutional websites. Again, one is best off to be prepared with all the details in electronic form - and most (but not all!) company websites will accept uploads of resumes and (in some cases) cover letters, etc. Some really snazzy websites will even do a pretty good job of parsing an uploaded resume into an online application - (like the "real" world, both are normally required) filling out some of the application fields for you. Those, of course, are the "snazzy" ones - as you might guess, it's some of the not-so-snazzy ones that drive this applicant nuts.
Not very often, but too often for a dedicated job seeker, one of these "Webby Apps" (as I call them - computer programs run on a server, and presented via the Internet) fails miserably to complete the (employment) application process. Either the website will take a major "Internal Server Error" - shutting down the whole application process - or what I call the "play through" of the designed application procedure will be so fraught with glitches and limitations (e.g., maximum text lengths), that creating an effective application is virtually impossible. In these situations, I'm led to wonder if the company in question is serious about taking employment applications online at all.
I've even encountered a situation where I successfully submitted an application for a job I neither desired nor was qualified for - because the website had the job posting number cross-referenced with two entirely different positions! In other words, I applied for one job, and was congratulated for applying for the other. I may never find out which position I actually applied for in that case.
All told, it's a good thing I consider my daily online job search process as part of "my current job" - meaning I expect to work at it; meaning (like all work) there are challenges and frustrations as a matter of course, along with the successes. I also consider this process (along with my entire lifestyle right now) an adventure - turning over rocks (be they heavy or light) to see what wriggles out - knowing that eventually I'll get rewarded with a prize catch.
Ever hopeful, and still blessed...
Let me say at the outset that this is quite a welcome change from past methods, with the huge advantage being that I can submit many applications in a single day - greatly improving my odds in the currently horrific job market.
Needless to say, submitting by email is by far the easiest method in general - assuming one has all the information the job posting requests (e.g., cover letter, resume, and other requested details in "electronic" format). Occasionally I've encountered limitations (like "text only" resume requests) that complicate matters somewhat, but with my personal (technology) background, said complications are minor nuisances rather than show-stoppers.
The real inspiration for this post is the online application process via corporate or institutional websites. Again, one is best off to be prepared with all the details in electronic form - and most (but not all!) company websites will accept uploads of resumes and (in some cases) cover letters, etc. Some really snazzy websites will even do a pretty good job of parsing an uploaded resume into an online application - (like the "real" world, both are normally required) filling out some of the application fields for you. Those, of course, are the "snazzy" ones - as you might guess, it's some of the not-so-snazzy ones that drive this applicant nuts.
Not very often, but too often for a dedicated job seeker, one of these "Webby Apps" (as I call them - computer programs run on a server, and presented via the Internet) fails miserably to complete the (employment) application process. Either the website will take a major "Internal Server Error" - shutting down the whole application process - or what I call the "play through" of the designed application procedure will be so fraught with glitches and limitations (e.g., maximum text lengths), that creating an effective application is virtually impossible. In these situations, I'm led to wonder if the company in question is serious about taking employment applications online at all.
I've even encountered a situation where I successfully submitted an application for a job I neither desired nor was qualified for - because the website had the job posting number cross-referenced with two entirely different positions! In other words, I applied for one job, and was congratulated for applying for the other. I may never find out which position I actually applied for in that case.
All told, it's a good thing I consider my daily online job search process as part of "my current job" - meaning I expect to work at it; meaning (like all work) there are challenges and frustrations as a matter of course, along with the successes. I also consider this process (along with my entire lifestyle right now) an adventure - turning over rocks (be they heavy or light) to see what wriggles out - knowing that eventually I'll get rewarded with a prize catch.
Ever hopeful, and still blessed...
Monday, November 30, 2009
HOH Awareness - Forgetting my Disability
I've always resisted calling myself "disabled" (oh, I know all the culturally sensitive versions of that word - but they all amount to the same concept: the need to be either excluded or accommodated for an ability that most people take for granted). Now that I'm (technically) homeless and "unemployed" (meaning I don't currently get a paycheck), I've had to rethink my attitude about that - particularly since a disabled status (coupled with my zero income) can get me assistance that would be unavailable to me otherwise.
What's remarkable about the "disability" that I and a lot of you who read this share, is that in many situations, it's entirely (or nearly) invisible to others - since either "aided" or not, many of us can function effectively in many areas of our life. My vertigo symptoms (related) fall into that same category, since (again, like many) I'm not dizzy all the time (and I'm blessed lately with huge periods of remission), so nobody who isn't in constant contact with me is going to notice a thing. Strangely enough, neither will I.
That brings me to the point of this post - I often forget my personal limitations until they're thrust full-force into my face. Examples are conversing with a speed-talker, understanding across a big meeting room, and answering the inevitable question about why I don't drive. I cruise through most of my day and - surprise! - slam into my "disabled" wall. How I handle that speaks both to my overall serenity, and my experience/acceptance of my limitations.
First and foremost in that acceptance process is the understanding that I'm hardly unique - even among "normal" people (notwithstanding my dear friends who share my specific trials). I'm trying to remember a person I know or have known who doesn't have some limitation(s) that would count as disability if they were challenged to use that "feature" in their livelihood (larger meaning than "work") - and I can't. The reason is easy - the human condition applies to everybody (human).
So what drives the difference - because there is a difference - for those of us who by necessity must cross over the "disability" line? Looking at the way the public service sector (wherever you are) defines that line doesn't help answer that question. The range is too broad; I'm "mildly" disabled at worst (by local standards), and I (stand?) in the same line with people who need far greater accommodations than I. In fact, one of the issues I've struggled with most is in that comparison of limitations. It's pretty humbling to ask for help along with people I very well could be helping myself.
There's a divide (my perception) between overt standards of ability (e.g., a job description) and the routine assumptions we all make about the abilities of people we interact with daily. Hearing ability is an obvious example (I can do the job - but whoops! - I need accommodation to fully function at meetings - that question can't even be asked legally in the U.S.) I'm reminded of recent job applications I've submitted (for jobs that don't involve driving - for a large, "culturally sensitive" company) in which an actual requirement in the job description is "A valid California drivers license and a vehicle." Well, that's an overt standard, anyway.
"Why don't you wear a button?" ("Hard of Hearing...") - asked by a wise and well-meaning counselor at my (alcohol) recovery program. Well, why don't I? I probably will, at some point. Resistance? I hate reminding myself of my limitations, let alone reminding other people when my limitations don't even apply - again, the button is a shotgun where a scalpel is the preferred instrument. I just can't figure out where to find the scalpel. Or the scalpel is simply me saying "please... I'm hard of hearing... slow down." But I won't always say it - (got assertiveness?) - so the button is the thing.
So the whole thing, as always, boils down to my attitude. To the extent that I'm willing to assert the truth of who I am without shame or fear to the people who matter (that's everybody I meet or interact with), I will be effectively moving forward in a life worth living. Same as everyone else. Same as you.
With gratitude.
What's remarkable about the "disability" that I and a lot of you who read this share, is that in many situations, it's entirely (or nearly) invisible to others - since either "aided" or not, many of us can function effectively in many areas of our life. My vertigo symptoms (related) fall into that same category, since (again, like many) I'm not dizzy all the time (and I'm blessed lately with huge periods of remission), so nobody who isn't in constant contact with me is going to notice a thing. Strangely enough, neither will I.
That brings me to the point of this post - I often forget my personal limitations until they're thrust full-force into my face. Examples are conversing with a speed-talker, understanding across a big meeting room, and answering the inevitable question about why I don't drive. I cruise through most of my day and - surprise! - slam into my "disabled" wall. How I handle that speaks both to my overall serenity, and my experience/acceptance of my limitations.
First and foremost in that acceptance process is the understanding that I'm hardly unique - even among "normal" people (notwithstanding my dear friends who share my specific trials). I'm trying to remember a person I know or have known who doesn't have some limitation(s) that would count as disability if they were challenged to use that "feature" in their livelihood (larger meaning than "work") - and I can't. The reason is easy - the human condition applies to everybody (human).
So what drives the difference - because there is a difference - for those of us who by necessity must cross over the "disability" line? Looking at the way the public service sector (wherever you are) defines that line doesn't help answer that question. The range is too broad; I'm "mildly" disabled at worst (by local standards), and I (stand?) in the same line with people who need far greater accommodations than I. In fact, one of the issues I've struggled with most is in that comparison of limitations. It's pretty humbling to ask for help along with people I very well could be helping myself.
There's a divide (my perception) between overt standards of ability (e.g., a job description) and the routine assumptions we all make about the abilities of people we interact with daily. Hearing ability is an obvious example (I can do the job - but whoops! - I need accommodation to fully function at meetings - that question can't even be asked legally in the U.S.) I'm reminded of recent job applications I've submitted (for jobs that don't involve driving - for a large, "culturally sensitive" company) in which an actual requirement in the job description is "A valid California drivers license and a vehicle." Well, that's an overt standard, anyway.
"Why don't you wear a button?" ("Hard of Hearing...") - asked by a wise and well-meaning counselor at my (alcohol) recovery program. Well, why don't I? I probably will, at some point. Resistance? I hate reminding myself of my limitations, let alone reminding other people when my limitations don't even apply - again, the button is a shotgun where a scalpel is the preferred instrument. I just can't figure out where to find the scalpel. Or the scalpel is simply me saying "please... I'm hard of hearing... slow down." But I won't always say it - (got assertiveness?) - so the button is the thing.
So the whole thing, as always, boils down to my attitude. To the extent that I'm willing to assert the truth of who I am without shame or fear to the people who matter (that's everybody I meet or interact with), I will be effectively moving forward in a life worth living. Same as everyone else. Same as you.
With gratitude.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
The Dog Disaster
"You could just put them outside or in their kennels, but if you leave them in, be sure to close all the doors inside the house."
Dog sitting for only about half the day, these were the instructions given me by my sister regarding her two (very pampered) dogs under my care; Arti, a medium-big brown shepherd/lab/something mix, and Diego, a medium-tiny black chihuahua (see suspects photos below).
So off I went to a meeting, only to be gone for a couple hours, but remembering my instructions, I dutifully closed all inner doors, leaving the pups in their usual spot - the main living area - even checking for obvious dog-attractors (Diego has a known chewing addiction).
On return (great meeting), well, I'll let the photo tell the rest of the story:
Here are the suspects mug shots:
Estimate of Items Destroyed/Eaten:
1 Box Kleenex Tissue
1 Roll Scotch Tape
1 Containment Box (holiday light strings - cardboard, fortunately, is a favorite)
1 Containment Bag (small wood kindling)
Other Notable Items (disarray):
1 Table Lamp (overturned)
1 Compact Fluorescent Bulb (not associated with previous - apparently undamaged)
All told, some rollicking good fun was had in my absence (I'm envious). Punishment (of pets) at that time being pointless, I simply took pictures, and cleaned up the mess (the house had been cleaned thoroughly only two days before).
I knew there's a reason I have a blog.
Got any of your own home pet disaster stories? Feel free to comment.
Dog sitting for only about half the day, these were the instructions given me by my sister regarding her two (very pampered) dogs under my care; Arti, a medium-big brown shepherd/lab/something mix, and Diego, a medium-tiny black chihuahua (see suspects photos below).
So off I went to a meeting, only to be gone for a couple hours, but remembering my instructions, I dutifully closed all inner doors, leaving the pups in their usual spot - the main living area - even checking for obvious dog-attractors (Diego has a known chewing addiction).
On return (great meeting), well, I'll let the photo tell the rest of the story:
Here are the suspects mug shots:
The Likely Culprit
The Silent Witness/Accomplice
Estimate of Items Destroyed/Eaten:
1 Box Kleenex Tissue
1 Roll Scotch Tape
1 Containment Box (holiday light strings - cardboard, fortunately, is a favorite)
1 Containment Bag (small wood kindling)
Other Notable Items (disarray):
1 Table Lamp (overturned)
1 Compact Fluorescent Bulb (not associated with previous - apparently undamaged)
All told, some rollicking good fun was had in my absence (I'm envious). Punishment (of pets) at that time being pointless, I simply took pictures, and cleaned up the mess (the house had been cleaned thoroughly only two days before).
I knew there's a reason I have a blog.
Got any of your own home pet disaster stories? Feel free to comment.
Moon Watcher Chronicles - The Old and the New
Happily resigning myself to my chronomical fate, 12:40 a.m., I'm not still up, I'm 5 hours rested, and ready to write. The striking thing about this is the powerlessness of the (still present) voices of the committee - the ones that test and judge my every thought to see if it meets the stringent criteria of anxious conformance to a long dead standard of perfection. Chronomical probably isn't a word - see?
Their powerlessness is in direct contrast with the serene voice of that power I've connected with in my recovery - reference your God (the one that gives you serenity); you understand in principle if not particular.
The strangest place to find fear today is in the melding of my old patterns of thinking, feeling, relating, with the new ones. First, that somewhere in the echos of those old patterns lies a trap set by my enemy - the dark hole I fell into before (that hole - the trap; my enemy - me and the committee).
But there's joyous adventure in rediscovering my path around the fears - turns out the committee has a benign role in reminding me to pay attention where I walk; when adjudicated by my Higher Power, with calm acceptance of the good parts of the path - where friendship and love reside - the sharp, observant voices become a gift to share. I'm guessing that the the actual sentence above is before and after the two hyphens (but it's only a guess).
Since I can haz my own blog (I love lol cats), I can start posts with mind-numbing monologue like that above and get away with it (here).
I ran across an old friend (the friendship, not the person) on YM yesterday, and though I only had a few minutes, I was happy re-connecting after about a year. My old friends (the sober ones) are the jewels I'm finding in my adventure today - even as I'm making new friends in my recovery. And who knew, I have a past in recovery too - I ran into another old (this time the person qualifies, somewhat) friend yesterday as well. This person had known me in the earliest part of my nearly 12 months of sobriety, back in December/January - before I went into the Salvation Army ARC. Nice to reconnect all around.
My first few days out are a mix of reconnecting, connecting, staying connected, and doing job/housing search. I'm also beginning to put together the curriculum for a beginning computer class I've volunteered to teach at the SA-ARC. Part of giving back in gratitude. This weekend I'm keeping a new pattern, with lots of meetings planned - some back in Oakland (a reasonable transit ride from Richmond). All of this represents a momentum I don't want to lose in my recovery, and so far, so good.
Their powerlessness is in direct contrast with the serene voice of that power I've connected with in my recovery - reference your God (the one that gives you serenity); you understand in principle if not particular.
The strangest place to find fear today is in the melding of my old patterns of thinking, feeling, relating, with the new ones. First, that somewhere in the echos of those old patterns lies a trap set by my enemy - the dark hole I fell into before (that hole - the trap; my enemy - me and the committee).
But there's joyous adventure in rediscovering my path around the fears - turns out the committee has a benign role in reminding me to pay attention where I walk; when adjudicated by my Higher Power, with calm acceptance of the good parts of the path - where friendship and love reside - the sharp, observant voices become a gift to share. I'm guessing that the the actual sentence above is before and after the two hyphens (but it's only a guess).
Since I can haz my own blog (I love lol cats), I can start posts with mind-numbing monologue like that above and get away with it (here).
I ran across an old friend (the friendship, not the person) on YM yesterday, and though I only had a few minutes, I was happy re-connecting after about a year. My old friends (the sober ones) are the jewels I'm finding in my adventure today - even as I'm making new friends in my recovery. And who knew, I have a past in recovery too - I ran into another old (this time the person qualifies, somewhat) friend yesterday as well. This person had known me in the earliest part of my nearly 12 months of sobriety, back in December/January - before I went into the Salvation Army ARC. Nice to reconnect all around.
My first few days out are a mix of reconnecting, connecting, staying connected, and doing job/housing search. I'm also beginning to put together the curriculum for a beginning computer class I've volunteered to teach at the SA-ARC. Part of giving back in gratitude. This weekend I'm keeping a new pattern, with lots of meetings planned - some back in Oakland (a reasonable transit ride from Richmond). All of this represents a momentum I don't want to lose in my recovery, and so far, so good.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Happy Black Friday! (USA)
Greetings Shoppers! This is the annual day of your greatest influence on American society! While on other days you may be maligned, misunderstood, (taken to the cleaners), and called all manner of ugly names like "capitalist pawn", today (and only today) you are revered and worshiped by the mightiest leaders of American (and international!) business and finance. You are king/queen(/other) for the day! You alone (well, alone en masse) impact the profitability (for the whole year!) of businesses from the largest to the smallest. Even your tiniest contribution to this great commercial enterprise counts, so please do your part - for the good of merchandising everywhere!
Unfortunately, I, as your faithful cheerleader, can only stand on the sidelines today, and watch you perform your magic with pride and longing in my heart. If only I could stand with you, my heroes, on the sales floor, bustling and bargaining with plastic and paper - nay, even with bits and bytes, would I attack and slay the dragons of overpricing with online shopping! But alas, I have neither plastic, nor paper today, and all of my bits and bytes have leaked out of the holes I shamefully ignored for so long in my (now defunct) bank accounts and credit rating.
-----------------------------------------------------------
No, but really - it's quite the interesting perspective, to actually be unable to participate in America's favorite shopping day; given that I've always had a "philosophical" resistance to doing so (as evidenced in sarcasm above). I'd be hypocritical if I gloated from some "moral" hilltop, when I know perfectly well I'd be in the fray myself if I could - and I'm out of the fray by my own hand. What I recognize today is that - good or bad - I am, and have always been, a part of the process, and have reaped all of the benefits thereof. That (commercial/industrial/financial) process is one reason I can sit here online in comfort and rail against its excesses.
So once again, the watchword for today is gratitude. Appreciating the good things that life (even the rampant commercialism embedded in our holidays) brings me - my connections with other people, and with God, who calls me to accept, with serenity, the way life is, rather than how I would make it. Realizing that a world designed by Paul, though that control would please him for a bit, would most likely be a nightmare beyond all reckoning (for example, my self-designed alcoholic nightmare). And that this "two-sided" blog post represents a personal paradigm shift for my built-in cynicism; turns out my cynicism (a character defect when used unwisely) can be a valuable thing when I turn it over with humility. Who'da thunk?
So shop if you will (and can), but do it with love and wisdom - I think that might just work.
Unfortunately, I, as your faithful cheerleader, can only stand on the sidelines today, and watch you perform your magic with pride and longing in my heart. If only I could stand with you, my heroes, on the sales floor, bustling and bargaining with plastic and paper - nay, even with bits and bytes, would I attack and slay the dragons of overpricing with online shopping! But alas, I have neither plastic, nor paper today, and all of my bits and bytes have leaked out of the holes I shamefully ignored for so long in my (now defunct) bank accounts and credit rating.
-----------------------------------------------------------
No, but really - it's quite the interesting perspective, to actually be unable to participate in America's favorite shopping day; given that I've always had a "philosophical" resistance to doing so (as evidenced in sarcasm above). I'd be hypocritical if I gloated from some "moral" hilltop, when I know perfectly well I'd be in the fray myself if I could - and I'm out of the fray by my own hand. What I recognize today is that - good or bad - I am, and have always been, a part of the process, and have reaped all of the benefits thereof. That (commercial/industrial/financial) process is one reason I can sit here online in comfort and rail against its excesses.
So once again, the watchword for today is gratitude. Appreciating the good things that life (even the rampant commercialism embedded in our holidays) brings me - my connections with other people, and with God, who calls me to accept, with serenity, the way life is, rather than how I would make it. Realizing that a world designed by Paul, though that control would please him for a bit, would most likely be a nightmare beyond all reckoning (for example, my self-designed alcoholic nightmare). And that this "two-sided" blog post represents a personal paradigm shift for my built-in cynicism; turns out my cynicism (a character defect when used unwisely) can be a valuable thing when I turn it over with humility. Who'da thunk?
So shop if you will (and can), but do it with love and wisdom - I think that might just work.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Speaking of charities - Happy Thanksgiving!
This is a response to a post on a favorite list of mine, that after I wrote it, really feel it belongs on my blog, because it speaks to the wider community of readers (I like to believe I have). The referenced story link (and thanks to the poster for this) is:
http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/24/homeless-organization-called-fraud/?8au&emc=au
To all who celebrate it (and hey, to all that don't as well - it's a day, isn't it?) Happy Thanksgiving!
The subject of giving (or not) to the homeless (be it random or organized) is certainly near to me these days, as I'm TECHNICALLY homeless today, and lived in a homeless shelter for a couple weeks in January of this year (today I'm thankful to celebrate Thanksgiving while living temporarily in the home of my dear sister).
You might not believe this, but my adamant urging to anyone is do not give money to beggars or allegedly homeless people on the street! Regardless of the truth or falsehood of their status, you are not helping them (please don't buy their newspapers either).
You can absolutely give money, time, or anything else to the well known reputable organized charities that continuously (not just at holiday times) provide all manner of services to the homeless and indigent in your community (if it's of any notable size). The Salvation Army (dear to my heart now, of course) is an obvious example, and there are many, many others.
I write this from experience - having lived in a shelter myself and spoken with many people who've done the homeless gig (some for a very long time) for all manner of different reasons - some that would meet with "social approval" and some that would certainly not - all in the "same boat" together.
The reason you are not helping the homeless by giving money to them directly is because you are unintentionally supporting the indigent lifestyle - and no, it doesn't always involve substance abuse, but it does involve what I struggle to describe as the "attitude of indigence." Everyone's got their own story, complex or simple, and I've had mine too. When, for whatever reason, you don't have a place to stay/sleep/eat, etc., you go wherever you can and do whatever (and I mean whatever) you need to do to survive another day - and things like conscience, healthy shame, self-respect, all that stuff that knits our society together become secondary priorities, if even that. For myself, I actually turned down one offer by a new friend in the shelter to learn to "hustle" by joining them in front of a store, but I have to say it was it was tempting at that time.
And as for the organized evil described by the linked story, that's life on life's terms - the sharks are everywhere, and not just on the street, BTW (look at what's come to light recently in the name of the Deaf and HOH communities - nothing new under the sun).
This is NOT a cynical rant - I am utterly unable to express my gratitude for the people and organizations who have assisted me (and continue to do so) as I've struggled up from the pit of my self-made despair. And my hope for my future resides entirely in my giving back- time, service, skills, money, you name it - to my community. That is the real Thanksgiving, and it's not a holiday, it's every moment of every day.
Be blessed, all.
http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/24/homeless-organization-called-fraud/?8au&emc=au
To all who celebrate it (and hey, to all that don't as well - it's a day, isn't it?) Happy Thanksgiving!
The subject of giving (or not) to the homeless (be it random or organized) is certainly near to me these days, as I'm TECHNICALLY homeless today, and lived in a homeless shelter for a couple weeks in January of this year (today I'm thankful to celebrate Thanksgiving while living temporarily in the home of my dear sister).
You might not believe this, but my adamant urging to anyone is do not give money to beggars or allegedly homeless people on the street! Regardless of the truth or falsehood of their status, you are not helping them (please don't buy their newspapers either).
You can absolutely give money, time, or anything else to the well known reputable organized charities that continuously (not just at holiday times) provide all manner of services to the homeless and indigent in your community (if it's of any notable size). The Salvation Army (dear to my heart now, of course) is an obvious example, and there are many, many others.
I write this from experience - having lived in a shelter myself and spoken with many people who've done the homeless gig (some for a very long time) for all manner of different reasons - some that would meet with "social approval" and some that would certainly not - all in the "same boat" together.
The reason you are not helping the homeless by giving money to them directly is because you are unintentionally supporting the indigent lifestyle - and no, it doesn't always involve substance abuse, but it does involve what I struggle to describe as the "attitude of indigence." Everyone's got their own story, complex or simple, and I've had mine too. When, for whatever reason, you don't have a place to stay/sleep/eat, etc., you go wherever you can and do whatever (and I mean whatever) you need to do to survive another day - and things like conscience, healthy shame, self-respect, all that stuff that knits our society together become secondary priorities, if even that. For myself, I actually turned down one offer by a new friend in the shelter to learn to "hustle" by joining them in front of a store, but I have to say it was it was tempting at that time.
And as for the organized evil described by the linked story, that's life on life's terms - the sharks are everywhere, and not just on the street, BTW (look at what's come to light recently in the name of the Deaf and HOH communities - nothing new under the sun).
This is NOT a cynical rant - I am utterly unable to express my gratitude for the people and organizations who have assisted me (and continue to do so) as I've struggled up from the pit of my self-made despair. And my hope for my future resides entirely in my giving back- time, service, skills, money, you name it - to my community. That is the real Thanksgiving, and it's not a holiday, it's every moment of every day.
Be blessed, all.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Remembering Freedom
One o'clock in the morning, and I'm (more or less) wide awake.
Not a gripe, honestly, just a fact, and a flood of remembering/realizations.
This is called Freedom.
Two days ago, I was physically released from a (mental) prison. The Salvation Army ARC is not a prison - the door is always open (for exit), as they say. Addiction (alcoholism, etc.), and its consequences, are a prison, with chains and bars as strong as any physical cell.
Today, I am free to sit in a soft chair at 1 am, in a quiet, dark room, a computer on my lap; attempting to capture with words the gratitude I'm feeling for the seemingly smallest freedom (really, the most profound freedom there is). One of the 9th step promises (typically read to close AA meetings) says "That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear." It's really true. It really does disappear, replaced by a calm (serenity) realization that nothing is wrong or out of order in my life today - though "rational" judgment (old thinking pattern) would scream otherwise.
I'm reminded of a person I love who's clearly having a bad time of things, and can't help (and I understand the feeling) being bitter (and complaining). I really do understand, and there's something I really want to tell that person (who knows? perhaps it's you!) from where I'm sitting - outside the prison.
That thing is this: To get out of that prison, nothing has to change except your mind.
There aren't any words that describe adequately what serenity (gratitude - flip the coin) feels like. I notice people on the street (strangers) wanting to talk to me - we're all attracted by serenity (amid the gaggle of less productive attractions, admittedly).
I want to drive home that message (the one-liner above) with rational comparison (you do the math):
- hard of hearing
- sometimes (rarely, really) dizzy enough to barf
- unemployed
- homeless (technically - I love that word, spoken from the comfort of this rocker)
- 50 (by that I mean not 25 - the physical annoyances)
- alcoholic (an incurable, fatal illness)
Serene, grateful.
- I really appreciate what it means to listen
- with rare exceptions, I walk absolutely anywhere I need to be (and hardly ever barf)
- I have the opportunity to choose and do my real work thoughtfully
- I am home wherever I am (right here, right now)
- I know and understand so many (helpful) things today that I couldn't possibly understand at 25
- I have a daily reprieve based on the maintenance of my spiritual condition (12 steps) - and I have serenity
The first list is appearance - outside.
The second list is reality - inside.
The cynic (old me) will say I don't know their pain. You're right, I don't. I only know mine. Pain is fear distilled to its hopeless essence. Being drunk on pain is the loneliest place in the world. But no amount of pity (self or otherwise) can cure it - nor can cynicism (I tried that for most of my life).
What cures it is conscious contact with God (whatever that means to you) - something that replaces fear with serenity. That serenity isn't situational or circumstantial. It isn't found by thinking (and definitely not found by thinking with a broken alcoholic brain). Situations and circumstances are adventures now. Pain is still annoying, but that's life on life's terms. When I appreciate that, I can appreciate you. And appreciation (gratitude) is the opposite of loneliness.
I'm Paul, and I'm going back to bed. :)
Not a gripe, honestly, just a fact, and a flood of remembering/realizations.
This is called Freedom.
Two days ago, I was physically released from a (mental) prison. The Salvation Army ARC is not a prison - the door is always open (for exit), as they say. Addiction (alcoholism, etc.), and its consequences, are a prison, with chains and bars as strong as any physical cell.
Today, I am free to sit in a soft chair at 1 am, in a quiet, dark room, a computer on my lap; attempting to capture with words the gratitude I'm feeling for the seemingly smallest freedom (really, the most profound freedom there is). One of the 9th step promises (typically read to close AA meetings) says "That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear." It's really true. It really does disappear, replaced by a calm (serenity) realization that nothing is wrong or out of order in my life today - though "rational" judgment (old thinking pattern) would scream otherwise.
I'm reminded of a person I love who's clearly having a bad time of things, and can't help (and I understand the feeling) being bitter (and complaining). I really do understand, and there's something I really want to tell that person (who knows? perhaps it's you!) from where I'm sitting - outside the prison.
That thing is this: To get out of that prison, nothing has to change except your mind.
There aren't any words that describe adequately what serenity (gratitude - flip the coin) feels like. I notice people on the street (strangers) wanting to talk to me - we're all attracted by serenity (amid the gaggle of less productive attractions, admittedly).
I want to drive home that message (the one-liner above) with rational comparison (you do the math):
- hard of hearing
- sometimes (rarely, really) dizzy enough to barf
- unemployed
- homeless (technically - I love that word, spoken from the comfort of this rocker)
- 50 (by that I mean not 25 - the physical annoyances)
- alcoholic (an incurable, fatal illness)
Serene, grateful.
- I really appreciate what it means to listen
- with rare exceptions, I walk absolutely anywhere I need to be (and hardly ever barf)
- I have the opportunity to choose and do my real work thoughtfully
- I am home wherever I am (right here, right now)
- I know and understand so many (helpful) things today that I couldn't possibly understand at 25
- I have a daily reprieve based on the maintenance of my spiritual condition (12 steps) - and I have serenity
The first list is appearance - outside.
The second list is reality - inside.
The cynic (old me) will say I don't know their pain. You're right, I don't. I only know mine. Pain is fear distilled to its hopeless essence. Being drunk on pain is the loneliest place in the world. But no amount of pity (self or otherwise) can cure it - nor can cynicism (I tried that for most of my life).
What cures it is conscious contact with God (whatever that means to you) - something that replaces fear with serenity. That serenity isn't situational or circumstantial. It isn't found by thinking (and definitely not found by thinking with a broken alcoholic brain). Situations and circumstances are adventures now. Pain is still annoying, but that's life on life's terms. When I appreciate that, I can appreciate you. And appreciation (gratitude) is the opposite of loneliness.
I'm Paul, and I'm going back to bed. :)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Life Approaches...
A Thursday evening here at "Sally" (Salvation Army Oakland ARC), and I have no (in-house) program activities scheduled (a busy night for most beneficiaries) - I'll likely catch an outside meeting later.
Today, I'd say I've officially begun the "wrap up" process before my final exit this coming Monday, the 23rd.
I started my day with a trip to the EDD (since I couldn't raise them on the phone) to try getting my unemployment insurance situation on track - successfully; it'll be a while before I see anything from it, but a coming phone interview will likely qualify me for payments within about 30 days - if I'm not actually working by then.
I'm still in active job & housing search, of course (and thanks to family, I don't expect to land on the street), but will be surprised if I see any serious movement on either before my exit from here on Monday. I spoke with Larry today on details of my exit plan - several documentation items I need for EDD, SS/GA, DOR, and various loose ends to tie up here. Nothing monumental, and it sounds like it will go smoothly.
I've been noting a number of "lasts" as they go by. I attended my last (required) Bible Study - Tuesday, and Wed Chapel service (there's one more Sunday service). I'll do my last "work therapy" stint tomorrow (Friday) afternoon (I'm taking the morning on pass, but want to be there for the closing buzzer in the afternoon) - and will receive my last "gratuity" allowance after work (I'll likely have some extra "canteen cards" to give away Sunday night - or keep for alumni visits).
My feelings right now are a combination of relief, excitement, and sadness (again, very little worry - an amazing gift of recovery). A fact I've learned (and accepted) about myself is that I'm one of those people who feel "leavings" pretty deeply - whether it's me or someone else doing the leaving - and it doesn't seem to matter much about "pros vs. cons" of same. No drama here, just a real feeling that I get to actually experience sober - and I'm grateful for that. Of course, I'm not breaking contact with this place or these people; I'll be back (when possible) as an alumnus (volunteer/participant), and I'll be leaving my contact info posted for both staff & beneficiaries who care to follow my exploits.
What better time to turn to poetry - something I penned on 10/20/2009, no doubt in response to my graduation one day hence (and yes, I forget the triggers behind many of my poetic endeavors)...
----------------------------------
Leaving Again
Tell me of tomorrow
Before I leave today
Tell me you remember well
A place we cannot stay
I could grieve the embers
The fire that stole my home
Home is but another place
Where embers die alone
The longer that I tarry
The more bereft it seems
Those travelers with smiling eyes
Sail by as in a dream
Now it's I who have to go
A space where once I stood
A silent voice, an empty chair
A hopeful thought for good
But we'll be there together
And time will gently ease
The sorrows of our parting
With memories like these
----------------------------------
Life approaches, and I await my next adventure with serenity and enthusiasm.
Today, I'd say I've officially begun the "wrap up" process before my final exit this coming Monday, the 23rd.
I started my day with a trip to the EDD (since I couldn't raise them on the phone) to try getting my unemployment insurance situation on track - successfully; it'll be a while before I see anything from it, but a coming phone interview will likely qualify me for payments within about 30 days - if I'm not actually working by then.
I'm still in active job & housing search, of course (and thanks to family, I don't expect to land on the street), but will be surprised if I see any serious movement on either before my exit from here on Monday. I spoke with Larry today on details of my exit plan - several documentation items I need for EDD, SS/GA, DOR, and various loose ends to tie up here. Nothing monumental, and it sounds like it will go smoothly.
I've been noting a number of "lasts" as they go by. I attended my last (required) Bible Study - Tuesday, and Wed Chapel service (there's one more Sunday service). I'll do my last "work therapy" stint tomorrow (Friday) afternoon (I'm taking the morning on pass, but want to be there for the closing buzzer in the afternoon) - and will receive my last "gratuity" allowance after work (I'll likely have some extra "canteen cards" to give away Sunday night - or keep for alumni visits).
My feelings right now are a combination of relief, excitement, and sadness (again, very little worry - an amazing gift of recovery). A fact I've learned (and accepted) about myself is that I'm one of those people who feel "leavings" pretty deeply - whether it's me or someone else doing the leaving - and it doesn't seem to matter much about "pros vs. cons" of same. No drama here, just a real feeling that I get to actually experience sober - and I'm grateful for that. Of course, I'm not breaking contact with this place or these people; I'll be back (when possible) as an alumnus (volunteer/participant), and I'll be leaving my contact info posted for both staff & beneficiaries who care to follow my exploits.
What better time to turn to poetry - something I penned on 10/20/2009, no doubt in response to my graduation one day hence (and yes, I forget the triggers behind many of my poetic endeavors)...
----------------------------------
Leaving Again
Tell me of tomorrow
Before I leave today
Tell me you remember well
A place we cannot stay
I could grieve the embers
The fire that stole my home
Home is but another place
Where embers die alone
The longer that I tarry
The more bereft it seems
Those travelers with smiling eyes
Sail by as in a dream
Now it's I who have to go
A space where once I stood
A silent voice, an empty chair
A hopeful thought for good
But we'll be there together
And time will gently ease
The sorrows of our parting
With memories like these
----------------------------------
Life approaches, and I await my next adventure with serenity and enthusiasm.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Current State of Affairs
Monday, 11/16/2009
Per Larry/Priscilla (Reentry Coordinator/Director of Rehabilitation Services) I have permission to stay here at Salvation Army (SA) through the weekend of Nov 21,22. I am quite sure I must leave after that.
I have applied for General Assistance (GA, aka Welfare) a the Department of Social Services (SS). I saw an eligibility counselor today and qualified for the Welfare to Work program. They still need three documents from me (financial evidence), two of which I have as of today, one I'm still working on getting (below).
I spoke today to a man who is opening a transitional home in Oakland that sounds just perfect for me - however I don't qualify right now because I don't have a job; he says GA doesn't pay enough. The rent is only $450/mo with a $150 deposit for the smallest room he has - but they're single bed rooms, which is certainly appealing. I told him I'd check back with him when I do find employment (or get unemployment - again, below).
I tried to get a hold of EDD by phone today to find out how to handle the situation; I applied for unemployment back in November 2008, when I lost my job. I did qualify, but didn't collect any checks. The SS/GA folks think I can probably still get it, but may have to re-file. I lack a lot of information I need (my end) to do so. Their phone lines are nuts - due to some benefits extension legislation, they're flooded with calls, and only open the phones from 5 p.m. to 6 p.m. on weekdays. I tried calling for that whole hour today, and never got through. I'll be looking at alternatives (buried somewhere, I hope) on their web page. I also need evidence of application for the SS/GA folks (see above).
I got a very promising lead on a job in downtown San Francisco via e-mail today. I called immediately, and spoke to the tech recruiter. He seemed very convinced I'm a "good fit" (I agree), and he's passing my resume along.
Monday, November 23rd will be a very busy day for me. I have another GA/FSET (food stamps) information meeting (mandatory for GA participation) down at Social Services. My DOR (Department of Rehab - disability) contact has also e-mailed me requesting I call her on the 23rd to set up a meeting (she's out of office this week). This, of course, also happens to be the day I leave the SA.
I'm still applying for every posting/lead I get (from anywhere, anyone) that seems even near reasonable - and a few that are far fetched. Lots of hopeful signs - the movement today was good - but no interviews scheduled as yet.
I'm in a pretty serene place overall - thanks to the program & fellowship of AA and SA.
I did have a couple spiritual victories today, in addition to the good job lead. The first was an opportunity to share a testimony about the SA program with my very friendly eligibility counselor at SS. I told her of my situation, my alcoholism, my recovery, and my gratitude to SA. She said she'd heard it was a good program, though difficult, and I confirmed both. My second small victory was when I stopped at Wells Fargo Bank to get evidence of account closure or zero balance (I knew not which) for my (our) old account with them - unused and empty for almost a year. I found myself easily able to share information about my alcoholism and recovery program with the account representative (an honest explanation of the reason for account inactivity). Though the rep seemed to know little about the disease (she flashed on the passing of my wife - joint account, I had to tell - as a possible factor in my alcoholism - NOT - but I didn't press), she cheerfully got me what I needed, and it didn't cost a dime (which surprised me). She also swallowed without a burp the information I freely offered that I owe them one HOAL of money (though I couldn't say exactly). Dang, there might be something to this honesty stuff after all. It's still a huge future 9th step, but it's a lot less scary now.
As always, my watchwords, and prayers, are patience and perseverance. I'm really seeing the benefits of recovery ala the AA program, as I slog through the process of finding job and home, and though aware of the future, and planning as best I can, "worrying" these days only about doing the right things I can do today, and leaving the worries of tomorrow where they belong instead of inviting them over the time barrier for a visit. Not that I always get it perfect, but I do get it.
Per Larry/Priscilla (Reentry Coordinator/Director of Rehabilitation Services) I have permission to stay here at Salvation Army (SA) through the weekend of Nov 21,22. I am quite sure I must leave after that.
I have applied for General Assistance (GA, aka Welfare) a the Department of Social Services (SS). I saw an eligibility counselor today and qualified for the Welfare to Work program. They still need three documents from me (financial evidence), two of which I have as of today, one I'm still working on getting (below).
I spoke today to a man who is opening a transitional home in Oakland that sounds just perfect for me - however I don't qualify right now because I don't have a job; he says GA doesn't pay enough. The rent is only $450/mo with a $150 deposit for the smallest room he has - but they're single bed rooms, which is certainly appealing. I told him I'd check back with him when I do find employment (or get unemployment - again, below).
I tried to get a hold of EDD by phone today to find out how to handle the situation; I applied for unemployment back in November 2008, when I lost my job. I did qualify, but didn't collect any checks. The SS/GA folks think I can probably still get it, but may have to re-file. I lack a lot of information I need (my end) to do so. Their phone lines are nuts - due to some benefits extension legislation, they're flooded with calls, and only open the phones from 5 p.m. to 6 p.m. on weekdays. I tried calling for that whole hour today, and never got through. I'll be looking at alternatives (buried somewhere, I hope) on their web page. I also need evidence of application for the SS/GA folks (see above).
I got a very promising lead on a job in downtown San Francisco via e-mail today. I called immediately, and spoke to the tech recruiter. He seemed very convinced I'm a "good fit" (I agree), and he's passing my resume along.
Monday, November 23rd will be a very busy day for me. I have another GA/FSET (food stamps) information meeting (mandatory for GA participation) down at Social Services. My DOR (Department of Rehab - disability) contact has also e-mailed me requesting I call her on the 23rd to set up a meeting (she's out of office this week). This, of course, also happens to be the day I leave the SA.
I'm still applying for every posting/lead I get (from anywhere, anyone) that seems even near reasonable - and a few that are far fetched. Lots of hopeful signs - the movement today was good - but no interviews scheduled as yet.
I'm in a pretty serene place overall - thanks to the program & fellowship of AA and SA.
I did have a couple spiritual victories today, in addition to the good job lead. The first was an opportunity to share a testimony about the SA program with my very friendly eligibility counselor at SS. I told her of my situation, my alcoholism, my recovery, and my gratitude to SA. She said she'd heard it was a good program, though difficult, and I confirmed both. My second small victory was when I stopped at Wells Fargo Bank to get evidence of account closure or zero balance (I knew not which) for my (our) old account with them - unused and empty for almost a year. I found myself easily able to share information about my alcoholism and recovery program with the account representative (an honest explanation of the reason for account inactivity). Though the rep seemed to know little about the disease (she flashed on the passing of my wife - joint account, I had to tell - as a possible factor in my alcoholism - NOT - but I didn't press), she cheerfully got me what I needed, and it didn't cost a dime (which surprised me). She also swallowed without a burp the information I freely offered that I owe them one HOAL of money (though I couldn't say exactly). Dang, there might be something to this honesty stuff after all. It's still a huge future 9th step, but it's a lot less scary now.
As always, my watchwords, and prayers, are patience and perseverance. I'm really seeing the benefits of recovery ala the AA program, as I slog through the process of finding job and home, and though aware of the future, and planning as best I can, "worrying" these days only about doing the right things I can do today, and leaving the worries of tomorrow where they belong instead of inviting them over the time barrier for a visit. Not that I always get it perfect, but I do get it.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
How Telling Your Product From Far Eastern
Thank you for proudly puchase of RocketTech(tm) 600 Can Opener/Knife Sharpener.
Product design many years happy usage.
Operation Instruction
---------------------
Warning!!! Important Safety Instruction!
Mis-use of product not labeled death or serious injury.
Never frayed or broken power cord use.
Keep fingers from sharp edges.
Young children not use please - important supervise children.
Quick Instruction
-----------------
Choose can or knife sharpen function switch (top of unit).
Can
Press handle firmly down.Important: Hold down until cycle complete. Other hand catch can prevent spillage.Careful lid - sharp edge!
Knife
No serrated!
Never children sharpen unsuperv.
Pull knife toward you - don't push.
3 or 4 times.
Only clean washed knive please.
Detail Instruction
------------------
Warranty Service
----------------
30 days - Return place of purchase along with receipt. Not responsible for mis-use.
Product design many years happy usage.
Operation Instruction
---------------------
Warning!!! Important Safety Instruction!
Mis-use of product not labeled death or serious injury.
Never frayed or broken power cord use.
Keep fingers from sharp edges.
Young children not use please - important supervise children.
Quick Instruction
-----------------
Choose can or knife sharpen function switch (top of unit).
Can
Press handle firmly down.Important: Hold down until cycle complete. Other hand catch can prevent spillage.Careful lid - sharp edge!
Knife
No serrated!
Never children sharpen unsuperv.
Pull knife toward you - don't push.
3 or 4 times.
Only clean washed knive please.
Detail Instruction
------------------
Warranty Service
----------------
30 days - Return place of purchase along with receipt. Not responsible for mis-use.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Finding Gratitude
Here it is, a Sunday afternoon off at the Salvation Army ARC. Little to do but meditate and write - both good things for the soul - at least for awhile. I've always had some difficulty with unstructured time (a favorite pastime, of course, being to drink). Funny thing, boredom - a wise person once told me that there's no such thing as "being bored" - only "being boring" - I cannot but agree).
I used to equate boredom with loneliness, and though they are certainly close bedfellows, I now know they're not the same - for my "boredom" today is merely circumstantial (and actually, rather appreciated, in a weary introvert sort of way). My life these days is (for the most part) filled with such structure, and ever-increasing "busy-ness" (including much valued socializing), that I could hardly categorize myself as lonely - my connections to numerous other people being quite strong, secure, safe, pleasant; all those loneliness banishing qualities felt even as I write this. This, a gift of my recovery, engenders a deep sense of gratitude for the people in my life, and for the removal of the social fears that my working those 12 steps has brought me so far.
I sit today in what I can only characterize as a strange "phase" of my ongoing life-transformation. I know, with a certainty that pervades my being, that I'm poised to dive into a quality of living (or will I just slowly glide into same?) that is profoundly better than anything I've experienced before. It's not that I expect to have money, a home, or any of my materialistic desires (I'm normal in that sense); rather, I expect my recent discovery of me - the person I am when I'm in "fit spiritual condition" - to increase in depth (so long as I continue my investment in my recovery), bringing me serenity in any circumstance. The promises of recovery occur on the inside - that the "outside promises" (material) should happen also as a result isn't surprising, but neither are they a given. They turn out to be somewhat irrelevant next to the internally felt gifts I've already received.
Case in point; I'm currently enmeshed in a job search which is definitely going slower than I'd like - both in terms of my ability to engage it (somewhat held back by my continued presence here at the SA-ARC), and the tenuous results of said engagement. Remarkably (for me, compared to my "old" thinking style and feelings), my only worries about my situation come in the form of being slightly annoyed with so many people asking me repeatedly "how's the job search going?" I usually tell them something to the effect that "It's going... the same... slow..." and that I'm not worried about the 'when' and 'what' of it. And that's true - because I'm really not - and that's as amazing to me as it might be to anyone.
And no, I haven't missed the point that my annoyance with the question, slight though it may be, is reflective of my own unfinished state of recovery - I know that everyone who asks me that question is well-meaning, and in reality, I wouldn't have them stop asking for the world, for it reflects their concern, identification, and compassion for me as a recovering alcoholic searching for employment. So my annoyance, like my trouble with alcohol, is of my own making. The cure for it is the same: the spiritual solution I've been given through my recovery program.
So my focus now is on gratitude for that program, and for all the people in my life who are encouraging me, supporting me and my recovery, and even working, in some cases, behind the scenes (think of L in my previous post) to help me in this process. Gratitude is something that, as an alcoholic, with a self-centered, egotistical ("...maladjusted to life, ...full flight from reality, ...outright mental defectives.") alcoholic brain, I must practice every day if I am to stay in fit spiritual condition and maintain my recovery. My natural reaction to life (and people) is the cynical one - where there's something wrong with you and your motives. That reaction is soundly grounded in fear. And fear is the opposite of faith - and is one of the character defects I've asked the God of my understanding to remove.
And the God of my understanding definitely wants me to concentrate on my gratitude today - he's got a good sense of humor - in both of the speaker meetings I attended yesterday, the speakers chose "gratitude" as the topic for discussion. And it was yesterday I realized that gratitude is indeed something I have to practice - it's a new style of thinking for this alcoholic, and since we've already established above that it isn't natural for me, I have to approach it as a structured mental activity, to be practice daily if I want it to stick (and I do, because I know it's a cornerstone of my continued recovery). Prayer and meditation are good for this, and so are lots of meetings - being regularly reminded of just how bad my condition was, and how much worse it could easily be (because it's so easy for my broken alcoholic brain to forget those things) is a key part of my gratitude: that I don't have to drink today.
If you, the reader, feel like commenting, please share what you're grateful for today - whether you're in recovery, or just plain grateful. I'm grateful in advance for your thoughts.
Paul S
I used to equate boredom with loneliness, and though they are certainly close bedfellows, I now know they're not the same - for my "boredom" today is merely circumstantial (and actually, rather appreciated, in a weary introvert sort of way). My life these days is (for the most part) filled with such structure, and ever-increasing "busy-ness" (including much valued socializing), that I could hardly categorize myself as lonely - my connections to numerous other people being quite strong, secure, safe, pleasant; all those loneliness banishing qualities felt even as I write this. This, a gift of my recovery, engenders a deep sense of gratitude for the people in my life, and for the removal of the social fears that my working those 12 steps has brought me so far.
I sit today in what I can only characterize as a strange "phase" of my ongoing life-transformation. I know, with a certainty that pervades my being, that I'm poised to dive into a quality of living (or will I just slowly glide into same?) that is profoundly better than anything I've experienced before. It's not that I expect to have money, a home, or any of my materialistic desires (I'm normal in that sense); rather, I expect my recent discovery of me - the person I am when I'm in "fit spiritual condition" - to increase in depth (so long as I continue my investment in my recovery), bringing me serenity in any circumstance. The promises of recovery occur on the inside - that the "outside promises" (material) should happen also as a result isn't surprising, but neither are they a given. They turn out to be somewhat irrelevant next to the internally felt gifts I've already received.
Case in point; I'm currently enmeshed in a job search which is definitely going slower than I'd like - both in terms of my ability to engage it (somewhat held back by my continued presence here at the SA-ARC), and the tenuous results of said engagement. Remarkably (for me, compared to my "old" thinking style and feelings), my only worries about my situation come in the form of being slightly annoyed with so many people asking me repeatedly "how's the job search going?" I usually tell them something to the effect that "It's going... the same... slow..." and that I'm not worried about the 'when' and 'what' of it. And that's true - because I'm really not - and that's as amazing to me as it might be to anyone.
And no, I haven't missed the point that my annoyance with the question, slight though it may be, is reflective of my own unfinished state of recovery - I know that everyone who asks me that question is well-meaning, and in reality, I wouldn't have them stop asking for the world, for it reflects their concern, identification, and compassion for me as a recovering alcoholic searching for employment. So my annoyance, like my trouble with alcohol, is of my own making. The cure for it is the same: the spiritual solution I've been given through my recovery program.
So my focus now is on gratitude for that program, and for all the people in my life who are encouraging me, supporting me and my recovery, and even working, in some cases, behind the scenes (think of L in my previous post) to help me in this process. Gratitude is something that, as an alcoholic, with a self-centered, egotistical ("...maladjusted to life, ...full flight from reality, ...outright mental defectives.") alcoholic brain, I must practice every day if I am to stay in fit spiritual condition and maintain my recovery. My natural reaction to life (and people) is the cynical one - where there's something wrong with you and your motives. That reaction is soundly grounded in fear. And fear is the opposite of faith - and is one of the character defects I've asked the God of my understanding to remove.
And the God of my understanding definitely wants me to concentrate on my gratitude today - he's got a good sense of humor - in both of the speaker meetings I attended yesterday, the speakers chose "gratitude" as the topic for discussion. And it was yesterday I realized that gratitude is indeed something I have to practice - it's a new style of thinking for this alcoholic, and since we've already established above that it isn't natural for me, I have to approach it as a structured mental activity, to be practice daily if I want it to stick (and I do, because I know it's a cornerstone of my continued recovery). Prayer and meditation are good for this, and so are lots of meetings - being regularly reminded of just how bad my condition was, and how much worse it could easily be (because it's so easy for my broken alcoholic brain to forget those things) is a key part of my gratitude: that I don't have to drink today.
If you, the reader, feel like commenting, please share what you're grateful for today - whether you're in recovery, or just plain grateful. I'm grateful in advance for your thoughts.
Paul S
Friday, November 6, 2009
And On It Goes...
This past Tuesday, I had my long-awaited appointment with a counselor at the California Department of Rehabilitation (DOR). My purpose was to get advice on how to handle my dual disability (Meniere's) - sporadic vertigo and hard of hearing (HOH).
I'm happy to report a good experience with a very professional and knowledgeable counselor (L). L was very thorough in conducting our interview, and asking all the right questions about my disabilities - and also in figuring out which boxes to check on the standardized forms to shoehorn me into a good fit for the DOR services. To my slight surprise, she also categorized my alcoholism as a disability - honoring the "disease" model of alcoholism, which I hadn't really expected from a public agency. That being said, I still don't personally press that point in my own view of my limitations and needed accommodations - since my ongoing experiences of the promises from working the 12 steps of AA seem more like an empowerment to me than any sort of disability.
At the end of our interview, L informed me that I very likely qualify to receive DOR services, which could include things like transit passes, and certainly assistance in placement with an employer who will accommodate me - though, of course, my application is still being processed. To my question "How should I address my disabilities to prospective employers?", L gave a clear and firm answer - "YOU DON'T! - you'll just get yourself written off before you can even apply." Better, she told me, to apply and interview on my professional merits only, and deal with disability issues as they crop up once I'm hired.
One thing L did do for me that flies slightly in the face of that advice was to hook me up with a web-based staffing agency for the disabled called AbiliCorp. L even went so far as to e-mail me a job-posting list for my area of experience she'd recently gotten from them. I was then able to log into the AbiliCorp site, post my resume, and apply for several positions in the San Francisco Bay Area (where I am at present). As an addendum, today I visited the office of the Employment Development Department, who, among other services, are providing me with a message phone number (written message posted on the EDD bulletin board) to use on my resume/application. After only two days, I saw today a message posted for me from an AbiliCorp representative who'd found and spoken with a prospective employer who was impressed by my resume. Though I haven't got an interview yet, the representative says he's pressing for that - all good news.
In addition to that, I still have many other "irons in the fire" - and am consistently submitting applications as I almost daily receive relevant job listings through Monster and elsewhere. I'm still living (post graduate extension) at the Salvation Army ARC - my last day here will be Nov 17th. Though my housing situation after that is still uncertain, I've got leads I'm working there also.
As always, my thanks to all of you who have sent words of encouragement and good advice.
Paul S
PS: I now have a blog strictly dedicated to my resume and job search: Paul L Schneider - feel free to visit, and pass it along!
I'm happy to report a good experience with a very professional and knowledgeable counselor (L). L was very thorough in conducting our interview, and asking all the right questions about my disabilities - and also in figuring out which boxes to check on the standardized forms to shoehorn me into a good fit for the DOR services. To my slight surprise, she also categorized my alcoholism as a disability - honoring the "disease" model of alcoholism, which I hadn't really expected from a public agency. That being said, I still don't personally press that point in my own view of my limitations and needed accommodations - since my ongoing experiences of the promises from working the 12 steps of AA seem more like an empowerment to me than any sort of disability.
At the end of our interview, L informed me that I very likely qualify to receive DOR services, which could include things like transit passes, and certainly assistance in placement with an employer who will accommodate me - though, of course, my application is still being processed. To my question "How should I address my disabilities to prospective employers?", L gave a clear and firm answer - "YOU DON'T! - you'll just get yourself written off before you can even apply." Better, she told me, to apply and interview on my professional merits only, and deal with disability issues as they crop up once I'm hired.
One thing L did do for me that flies slightly in the face of that advice was to hook me up with a web-based staffing agency for the disabled called AbiliCorp. L even went so far as to e-mail me a job-posting list for my area of experience she'd recently gotten from them. I was then able to log into the AbiliCorp site, post my resume, and apply for several positions in the San Francisco Bay Area (where I am at present). As an addendum, today I visited the office of the Employment Development Department, who, among other services, are providing me with a message phone number (written message posted on the EDD bulletin board) to use on my resume/application. After only two days, I saw today a message posted for me from an AbiliCorp representative who'd found and spoken with a prospective employer who was impressed by my resume. Though I haven't got an interview yet, the representative says he's pressing for that - all good news.
In addition to that, I still have many other "irons in the fire" - and am consistently submitting applications as I almost daily receive relevant job listings through Monster and elsewhere. I'm still living (post graduate extension) at the Salvation Army ARC - my last day here will be Nov 17th. Though my housing situation after that is still uncertain, I've got leads I'm working there also.
As always, my thanks to all of you who have sent words of encouragement and good advice.
Paul S
PS: I now have a blog strictly dedicated to my resume and job search: Paul L Schneider - feel free to visit, and pass it along!
Friday, October 30, 2009
Life, The Universe, and Everything
Greetings All,
High time I updated you on what's going on with me, so here's the latest.
On October 21st, I graduated from Phase II of the Salvation Army Oakland Adult Rehabilitation Program (I now have a "prestigious plaque" stating same). I am, however, still a resident/beneficiary for a few weeks (at my own request) while I conduct my job and housing search. Said job search is going moderately well, given that as a resident, I'm still required to participate in program activities here, including "work therapy". Today I'm on a pass, and waiting (as I write) for things here in downtown Oakland to open up so I can continue my search.
I also have an appointment next week (finally) with a counselor at the California Department of Rehabilitation to discuss ways/options to manage my search and ultimately employment on the bases of my dual (but related) disabilities (HOH and Vertigo - Meniere's). I've already encountered in my job search some rather nonsensical (unrelated to job descriptions) requirements for "valid CA driver's license and a vehicle" (I have neither, nor do I intend to drive again). I'll be pressing my counselor for how to handle such situations when I'm obviously otherwise qualified.
While I haven't had any interviews yet, I've got several irons in the fire (applications in, and contacts made, followed up) that look very promising - but I'm not resting on these; continuing to flood the market with "me" as best I can. Meanwhile, of course, being on Monster.com and other job search engines with my resume, I'm getting plenty of "noise" from the aggressive insurance sales industry, etc. - I have neither the interest nor the qualifications to be an insurance agent, but having "reviewed" my resume (sure, ha ha), I'm a "perfect candidate" for same. I also got an interesting e-mail from a "company" whose "esteem client" is seeking (and this is the entirety of the "job description") a data analyst (I do possess such label on my resume). Being ever the diligent job seeker, I replied with minimal information myself. I suspect an information gathering scam (they wanted reference contact information before even providing a detailed job description, let alone offering an application). The sharks are out there, circling for easy prey (the hungry fish).
What follows, for posterity's sake, is an edited version of my "testimony" speech that I delivered at my graduation on October 21st, 2009. I've omitted a fairly large section of personal thanks to people most of you wouldn't know. The remainder of my testimony expresses pretty well how I feel about a program and a process that has very literally saved my life...
Testimony
Paul Schneider
October 21, 2009
My name is Paul, and I'm an alcoholic of the hopeless variety.
I categorize myself that way, because hard experience has shown me that I am incapable of managing my life on my own self-will and thinking. My attempts to do that are what brought me to the Salvation Army - with no home, no job, a failed marriage, and no power to recover any of these. I was broken and desperate, and I had little will to live. I could see no hope for my future. When I came to this program, I was just over 30 days from my last drink, and I was very sure that my abstinence couldn't possibly survive another 30 - since I was constantly obsessed with the idea of drinking, and had nearly succumbed several times. Alcohol was my master. I was hopeless against its fury.
I am not going to tell you that this program is easy, because it definitely wasn't easy for me, especially in the first few months. I struggled painfully with the structure and rules of the program, many of which I could make no sense of. Many of my run-ins with those rules, and the consequences I faced from them, brought me frustration, and thoughts of leaving to escape what I saw as unjust punishments. But amid that struggle, there was one thing I couldn't escape, and that was the hopeless state I was in when I came to the program. As frustrated as I was, I knew that I was unqualified to judge anything or anyone - because without help, I was lost to my addiction, and would certainly only face the three well known options every alcoholic/addict ultimately faces - jails, institutions, and death.
I thank God for one feature of this program that, when I embraced it fully, began to effect a change in me that over the long term has replaced my hopelessness with a real hope, and a real serenity. That feature is the emphasis this program places on the 12 steps of AA and NA. I was no stranger to Alcoholics Anonymous, having attended many meetings in the years prior to my arrival here. What I hadn't done, though, was work those 12 steps in earnest. I had never had a sponsor, nor had I ever even tried to work any of the steps beyond step 3 - and today I know that I really hadn't worked even the first three steps honestly. What little wise mind I had left decided that I would throw myself full-force into the 12 steps while I was living in this sanctuary where I was both required and encouraged to do so.
One of the biggest spiritual changes that happened for me was when I actually took steps 4 and 5 with my sponsor. I was able to make a thorough and honest 4th step inventory, and shared the details with my sponsor in my 5th step. My spiritual experience didn't happen all at once, but I gradually began learning - down in my bones - acceptance; the acceptance of life on life's terms. That spiritual gift, which I didn't earn, but which was given to me through this process, has made a huge difference in my level of frustration with the program and changes that I've gone through since. I still ran up against rules and structure sometimes, but I now had a powerful connection with the God of my understanding, and a willingness to turn my frustrations at the things I can't control over to Him.
Having done so now, time and time again, it becomes easier every time, and I now have a new voice in my head to challenge the twisted thinking that sometimes still crops up - it's a quiet voice of peace and serenity which simply tells me to relax and let go of outcomes - I need only do the next right thing, and let God handle all the outcomes. I recently had a powerful test of this new serenity when I did a 9th step amends with my former employer and some co-workers at the work site. I still stand amazed at the serenity I carried into and throughout that process - knowing that it was the right thing to do, and no matter what the outcome, I could have peace with it, because the outcome wasn't mine to control.
To you, my brothers in this program, I can only state honestly, that this serenity I've experienced is far better and more powerful than any feeling I've chased in my alcoholic addiction. This serenity lasts, never produces a hangover, and spurs me forward to greater health; physical, emotional, and spiritual. Get this serenity yourselves, by working this program - as I have - as though your life depends on it. You'll be rewarded with amazing changes from the inside out.
It occurs to me as I write this testimony, that it is pitifully easy for this alcoholic to take for granted the real compassion that I've received from all of my friends, family, staff, and others in the fellowship of the AA program.
I have so many people to thank for this process that has brought me a new hope. If I omit anyone, please know that it's because of the frailty of my broken alcoholic brain - and that I daily stand in awe of the true friends that God has placed in my life.
My first thanks, of course, is to that God of my understanding, who, though he may not look exactly like anyone else's, is a God of love and forgiveness. I thank him for leading me into the safety and sanctuary of this Salvation Army ARC - and for the staff here who clearly have a deep concern for the physical, emotional, and spiritual well being of all of the beneficiaries.
...
To my Phase I brothers, thank you for the friendship and the laughter you've shared with me every day. I stand before you today as an example of what you can do if you stick and stay, one more day. This recovery program really works, and the daily struggles are worth the effort - expect to be changed from the inside out.
To my Phase II brothers, thank you also for your friendship and encouragement. Remember that your Phase I brothers are watching you for signs of hope. Your leadership can demonstrate to them that change really is possible if we work for it.
I want to close with something very familiar to most of you, but I want you in this moment to understand that it's not just a bunch of words we read at meetings. I testify here and now that this is actually happening for me, even as I speak.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.*
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.*
I'm Paul, and I'm an alcoholic.
* Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th ed., pp. 83, 84
High time I updated you on what's going on with me, so here's the latest.
On October 21st, I graduated from Phase II of the Salvation Army Oakland Adult Rehabilitation Program (I now have a "prestigious plaque" stating same). I am, however, still a resident/beneficiary for a few weeks (at my own request) while I conduct my job and housing search. Said job search is going moderately well, given that as a resident, I'm still required to participate in program activities here, including "work therapy". Today I'm on a pass, and waiting (as I write) for things here in downtown Oakland to open up so I can continue my search.
I also have an appointment next week (finally) with a counselor at the California Department of Rehabilitation to discuss ways/options to manage my search and ultimately employment on the bases of my dual (but related) disabilities (HOH and Vertigo - Meniere's). I've already encountered in my job search some rather nonsensical (unrelated to job descriptions) requirements for "valid CA driver's license and a vehicle" (I have neither, nor do I intend to drive again). I'll be pressing my counselor for how to handle such situations when I'm obviously otherwise qualified.
While I haven't had any interviews yet, I've got several irons in the fire (applications in, and contacts made, followed up) that look very promising - but I'm not resting on these; continuing to flood the market with "me" as best I can. Meanwhile, of course, being on Monster.com and other job search engines with my resume, I'm getting plenty of "noise" from the aggressive insurance sales industry, etc. - I have neither the interest nor the qualifications to be an insurance agent, but having "reviewed" my resume (sure, ha ha), I'm a "perfect candidate" for same. I also got an interesting e-mail from a "company" whose "esteem client" is seeking (and this is the entirety of the "job description") a data analyst (I do possess such label on my resume). Being ever the diligent job seeker, I replied with minimal information myself. I suspect an information gathering scam (they wanted reference contact information before even providing a detailed job description, let alone offering an application). The sharks are out there, circling for easy prey (the hungry fish).
What follows, for posterity's sake, is an edited version of my "testimony" speech that I delivered at my graduation on October 21st, 2009. I've omitted a fairly large section of personal thanks to people most of you wouldn't know. The remainder of my testimony expresses pretty well how I feel about a program and a process that has very literally saved my life...
Testimony
Paul Schneider
October 21, 2009
My name is Paul, and I'm an alcoholic of the hopeless variety.
I categorize myself that way, because hard experience has shown me that I am incapable of managing my life on my own self-will and thinking. My attempts to do that are what brought me to the Salvation Army - with no home, no job, a failed marriage, and no power to recover any of these. I was broken and desperate, and I had little will to live. I could see no hope for my future. When I came to this program, I was just over 30 days from my last drink, and I was very sure that my abstinence couldn't possibly survive another 30 - since I was constantly obsessed with the idea of drinking, and had nearly succumbed several times. Alcohol was my master. I was hopeless against its fury.
I am not going to tell you that this program is easy, because it definitely wasn't easy for me, especially in the first few months. I struggled painfully with the structure and rules of the program, many of which I could make no sense of. Many of my run-ins with those rules, and the consequences I faced from them, brought me frustration, and thoughts of leaving to escape what I saw as unjust punishments. But amid that struggle, there was one thing I couldn't escape, and that was the hopeless state I was in when I came to the program. As frustrated as I was, I knew that I was unqualified to judge anything or anyone - because without help, I was lost to my addiction, and would certainly only face the three well known options every alcoholic/addict ultimately faces - jails, institutions, and death.
I thank God for one feature of this program that, when I embraced it fully, began to effect a change in me that over the long term has replaced my hopelessness with a real hope, and a real serenity. That feature is the emphasis this program places on the 12 steps of AA and NA. I was no stranger to Alcoholics Anonymous, having attended many meetings in the years prior to my arrival here. What I hadn't done, though, was work those 12 steps in earnest. I had never had a sponsor, nor had I ever even tried to work any of the steps beyond step 3 - and today I know that I really hadn't worked even the first three steps honestly. What little wise mind I had left decided that I would throw myself full-force into the 12 steps while I was living in this sanctuary where I was both required and encouraged to do so.
One of the biggest spiritual changes that happened for me was when I actually took steps 4 and 5 with my sponsor. I was able to make a thorough and honest 4th step inventory, and shared the details with my sponsor in my 5th step. My spiritual experience didn't happen all at once, but I gradually began learning - down in my bones - acceptance; the acceptance of life on life's terms. That spiritual gift, which I didn't earn, but which was given to me through this process, has made a huge difference in my level of frustration with the program and changes that I've gone through since. I still ran up against rules and structure sometimes, but I now had a powerful connection with the God of my understanding, and a willingness to turn my frustrations at the things I can't control over to Him.
Having done so now, time and time again, it becomes easier every time, and I now have a new voice in my head to challenge the twisted thinking that sometimes still crops up - it's a quiet voice of peace and serenity which simply tells me to relax and let go of outcomes - I need only do the next right thing, and let God handle all the outcomes. I recently had a powerful test of this new serenity when I did a 9th step amends with my former employer and some co-workers at the work site. I still stand amazed at the serenity I carried into and throughout that process - knowing that it was the right thing to do, and no matter what the outcome, I could have peace with it, because the outcome wasn't mine to control.
To you, my brothers in this program, I can only state honestly, that this serenity I've experienced is far better and more powerful than any feeling I've chased in my alcoholic addiction. This serenity lasts, never produces a hangover, and spurs me forward to greater health; physical, emotional, and spiritual. Get this serenity yourselves, by working this program - as I have - as though your life depends on it. You'll be rewarded with amazing changes from the inside out.
It occurs to me as I write this testimony, that it is pitifully easy for this alcoholic to take for granted the real compassion that I've received from all of my friends, family, staff, and others in the fellowship of the AA program.
I have so many people to thank for this process that has brought me a new hope. If I omit anyone, please know that it's because of the frailty of my broken alcoholic brain - and that I daily stand in awe of the true friends that God has placed in my life.
My first thanks, of course, is to that God of my understanding, who, though he may not look exactly like anyone else's, is a God of love and forgiveness. I thank him for leading me into the safety and sanctuary of this Salvation Army ARC - and for the staff here who clearly have a deep concern for the physical, emotional, and spiritual well being of all of the beneficiaries.
...
To my Phase I brothers, thank you for the friendship and the laughter you've shared with me every day. I stand before you today as an example of what you can do if you stick and stay, one more day. This recovery program really works, and the daily struggles are worth the effort - expect to be changed from the inside out.
To my Phase II brothers, thank you also for your friendship and encouragement. Remember that your Phase I brothers are watching you for signs of hope. Your leadership can demonstrate to them that change really is possible if we work for it.
I want to close with something very familiar to most of you, but I want you in this moment to understand that it's not just a bunch of words we read at meetings. I testify here and now that this is actually happening for me, even as I speak.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.*
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.*
I'm Paul, and I'm an alcoholic.
* Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th ed., pp. 83, 84
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Rescue and Recovery
With the slow, groaning thunder of splintering wood and shearing metal, the ship struck ground on the rocks. With a final shudder, it listed about 45 degrees and came to rest. The crew that hadn't fallen into the sea jumped in, lest the heavy weight of the broken hull give way and swallow them or crush them.
The miracle to be known later was that no hands were lost - though many were battered and bruised. And if it were not apparent then, it would become known that a crew who'd weathered such a storm - and ultimate wreck - together, would remain a crew in spirit forever.
And so it was that a new ship would sail, with a crew seasoned by water and fire - ready to take on whatever new adventures beckoned on the horizon. The open seas would know the steadfast hope of sailors undaunted by calamity.
The voyage begins again...
To all my friends and colleagues, and especially to those of you who loved me when I could not love myself.
It is with humility, love, and joy that I make my first post to this blog since January of 2009 (somewhat amazed that it's still here (blog) and that I've been able to recall/regain my access to it).
I want to thank all of you who have been regular readers here, as well as the friends and colleagues who have helped me, for your patience and kindness, both before and during my long absence while I've been gaining recovery from my alcoholism.
I owe many of you significant amends - not least for my vanishing from and dismissal of your care and concern. This post can hardly be sufficient to the making of such amends. Within the next few months, I'm hopeful that I can talk with many of you (those who wish) more directly. I am doing very well in my my recovery program, and have great hope for a bright future in sobriety. This post is meant to re-open contact with those of you who wish to be in touch.
I am, at this writing, a beneficiary of The Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center (ARC) in Oakland, California. I have been in this residential treatment program for just over 7 months (entered on 1/16/09) - a graduate of their 6-month recovery program (7/19/09), now one month into their optional "Phase II" Life-Skills/Reentry program (90 days). I am writing this from my sister's home - I am on a 48 hour pass from the program for a visit to same.
I will not likely have the opportunity to post here again for at least several weeks. As a beneficiary, I am quite limited in terms of communication (a good program design, really - allowing focus on recovery) - though I do now have limited access to e-mail at:
pschneiderarc@live.com
Readers who wish to are welcome to contact me there.
I have missed all of you very much. One of my personal projects (as I have/had time) has been writing about the process I've gone through in my addiction and recovery at the ARC. My long-range goal is to compile this into a book. As I'm able, I'll post some of that material here as well. Eventually, this blog will take on a new look and "feel" - as it reflects the the history of my recovery, and the positive changes that have taken place in me.
Yours in gratitude,
Paul S
(AKA: LifeWrecked - in recovery)
The miracle to be known later was that no hands were lost - though many were battered and bruised. And if it were not apparent then, it would become known that a crew who'd weathered such a storm - and ultimate wreck - together, would remain a crew in spirit forever.
And so it was that a new ship would sail, with a crew seasoned by water and fire - ready to take on whatever new adventures beckoned on the horizon. The open seas would know the steadfast hope of sailors undaunted by calamity.
The voyage begins again...
To all my friends and colleagues, and especially to those of you who loved me when I could not love myself.
It is with humility, love, and joy that I make my first post to this blog since January of 2009 (somewhat amazed that it's still here (blog) and that I've been able to recall/regain my access to it).
I want to thank all of you who have been regular readers here, as well as the friends and colleagues who have helped me, for your patience and kindness, both before and during my long absence while I've been gaining recovery from my alcoholism.
I owe many of you significant amends - not least for my vanishing from and dismissal of your care and concern. This post can hardly be sufficient to the making of such amends. Within the next few months, I'm hopeful that I can talk with many of you (those who wish) more directly. I am doing very well in my my recovery program, and have great hope for a bright future in sobriety. This post is meant to re-open contact with those of you who wish to be in touch.
I am, at this writing, a beneficiary of The Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center (ARC) in Oakland, California. I have been in this residential treatment program for just over 7 months (entered on 1/16/09) - a graduate of their 6-month recovery program (7/19/09), now one month into their optional "Phase II" Life-Skills/Reentry program (90 days). I am writing this from my sister's home - I am on a 48 hour pass from the program for a visit to same.
I will not likely have the opportunity to post here again for at least several weeks. As a beneficiary, I am quite limited in terms of communication (a good program design, really - allowing focus on recovery) - though I do now have limited access to e-mail at:
pschneiderarc@live.com
Readers who wish to are welcome to contact me there.
I have missed all of you very much. One of my personal projects (as I have/had time) has been writing about the process I've gone through in my addiction and recovery at the ARC. My long-range goal is to compile this into a book. As I'm able, I'll post some of that material here as well. Eventually, this blog will take on a new look and "feel" - as it reflects the the history of my recovery, and the positive changes that have taken place in me.
Yours in gratitude,
Paul S
(AKA: LifeWrecked - in recovery)
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December 2009
Vertigo - Meniere's
.jpg)
Credit: http://djembeslappin.blogspot.com/2007/10/menieres-hell.html
